University of Virginia Library

30. XXX.
The Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb
of Douglas. — An Account of the Ride of the
Modern John Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring
and came Home with nothing but the Necks of
His Bottles: by His Chaplain. — From Washington
to Detroit.

STEP by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame;
step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence.
Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton
by that eminently grate and good man, Androo
Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed
Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the
purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a
sence uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in
case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the
Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv
diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich
is Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the

first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed
everything settled cepting the appintment uv a
Chaplain for the excursion. The President insisted
upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected.
He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibly
agin him. “I am determined,” sez he, “to carry
out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beecher
hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got.
No, no! he shel be spared this trip; indeed he
shel.”

“Very good,” said Seward; “but at least find
some clergyman who endorses us without hevin
P. M. to his honored name. It wood look better.”

“I know it wood,” replied Johnson; “but where
kin we find sich a one? I hev swung around the
entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby it
must be.”

There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety,
before the procession started, of removin all
the Federal offis-holders on the proposed route, and
appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher,
and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable
recepshun at each pint at wich we wuz to stop.
The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, “Them
ez won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and
butter.” Randall and Doolittle chimed in, for it's

got to be a part of their religion to assent to whatever
the President sez, but I mildly protested. I
owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to
do it.

“Most High,” sez I, “a settin hen wich is lazy
makes no fuss; cut its head off, and it flops about,
for a while, lively. Lincoln's office-holders are
settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy,
but while they are on their nests, they will keep
moderitly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will
spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord
of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin.
Calkerlatin moderately, there are at least twenty-five
or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis
in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them
offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they
don't know wich is to git em, yoo may depend upon
the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individyooally and
collectively. In short, ef there's 4 offises in a town,
and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored
4 supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo
hev the hundred who expect to get em.”

The President agreed with me that until after the
trip the gullotine shood stop.

Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood
improve my personal appearance, and akkordingly

a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the Departments,
assessin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez
refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly dismissed
for disloyalty.

At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up
in a highly conciliatory style. Every wun of the
civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, et settry,
wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates
to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz
made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed
fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partiklerly
valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the
bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at Bull Run.

The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I
never saw His Imperial Highness in better spirits,
and he delivered his speech to better advantage than
I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've
heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly.
Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that
perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers
around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in
my mouth. But we hed to go. We hed a mishn
to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.

Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the
Czar uv all the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech

here. The Governor welcomed him, but he welcomed
him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen,
and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That
struck a chill over the party, and the President got
out uv it ez soon ez possible. Bein reseeved ez
Chief Magistrate, and not ez the great Pacificator,
ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It wuz unkind uv
Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers,
he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one
speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception
ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We
shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in
disgust.

Skenactady. — The people uv this delightfull
little village wuz awake when the Imperial train arrived.
The changes hadn't bin made in the offices
here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recepshun.
I didn't suppose there wuz so many patriots
along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one
ez the President's private adviser — a sort uv private
Secretary uv State; and after the train started, I
found jest 211 petitions for the Post Offis in Skenaktedy
in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots who
hed hurrahed so vocifferously hed dexterously deposited
there. The incident wuz a movin one.
“Thank God!” thought I. “So long ez we hev

the post offiees to give, we kin alluz hev a party.
The Sultan swung around the cirkle wunst here,
and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.

Utica. — The President spoke here with greater
warmth, and jerked more originality than I hed
before observed. He introdoost here the remark
that he didn't come to make a speech; that he wuz
goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv Douglas; that,
in swingin around the circle, he hed fought traitors
on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood
leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr
wuz wanted, he wuz ready to die with neetness and
dispatch.

Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and
I never heard His Majesty speek more felicitously.
He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung
around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz
now swingin around the Northern side uv it, and
that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the
Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye.
I received at this pint only 130 petitions for the post
office, wich I took ez a bad omen for the comin
election.

Lockport. — The President is improvin wonderfully.
He rises with the occasion. At this pint he

mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country
wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn
wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin Alderman,
Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator,
Military Governor, Vice-President, and President.
He hed swung around the entire circle uv offises,
and all he wanted now wuz to heal the wounds uv
the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn
in their hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle —

At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that
he hed swung around the cirkle wunst in this town,
and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might spile by
too much yoose.

At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water.
Here is the post to which the devil uv Ablishnism
is chained, and his chain is long enough to let him
rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to
state that the President wuzn't treated here with the
respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his
speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture.
Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around
the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled
“Veto!” and another vocifferated “Noo Orleens!”
and another remarked “Memphis!” and one after
another interruption occurred until His Highness
wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild.

He forgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the
starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant,
wich we hed taken along to draw the crowds,
played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a boat for
Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who
tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely prevented.
The President recovered his ekanimity,
and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin the
Constooshn in their hands, retired.

At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but
one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a
sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with
wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the
other, and playin “Hail to the Chief!” on a mouth
organ, all to wunst.

“Who are you, my gentle friend?” sez I.

“I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir,” sez he.
“I'm a perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our
Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There wuz twenty
Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir; but when the commishn
came for me, the other nineteen wuz soured,
and sed they didn't care a d—n for him nor his
policy, sir. Where is the President?”

Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for
this one man, and leave the Constooshn in his hands,
but Seward checked him.

At Fremont we hed a handsome recepshun, for
the offises hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo
didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer Androo
much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave
him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the
Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in
bein respected.

Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Democratic
city, the President wuz hisself agin. His
speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered
together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he
had used from Washington to this point, and shot
em one by one. He swung around the cirkle; he
didn't come to make a speech; he hed bin Alderman
uv his native town; he mite hev been Dicktater,
but woodent; and ended with a poetickal cotashun
wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I
cood understand, wuz, —

Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we
start onward, and shel continue swingin around the
cirkle till we reach Chicago.