University of Virginia Library

22. XXII.
The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country
upon the Result of the Memphis Outbreak.
— The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger,
and runs against a Snag.

THE news from Memphis filled the soles uv the
Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with undilooted joy.
There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to
him, at least, the spellin book is a seeled volume,
and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it
filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic
preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify
over the brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I
wuz the speeker. I addressed them on the subjick
uv the nigger, — his wants, needs, and capacities, —
a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez

given the nigger more study, or devoted more time
to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the
brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated
him sittin and standin, sleepin and wakin,
at labor and in idleness, — in every shape, in fact,
ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin
for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and
when he ariz before my mind's eye in that shape, I
alluz turned shuddrin away.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin
sale. It's easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence
wants to beleeve, and wich their interest lies in.
For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz
somewhat wedded to sin, generally lean toward Universalism;
men heavily developed in the back uv
the neck are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv
free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money
to rest on the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to
whether the observance uv the Sabbath is bindin
onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm
beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood
get start enuff to own a nigger.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a
comparison uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin
and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz a beast, and
not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a

perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose
him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this
hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a history
uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust
Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his
brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an indubitable
warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. “Behold, my
brethren, the beginnin uv Dimocrasy,” I sed. “Fust,
the wine (which wuz the antetype of our whisky)
wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary
to the foundation uv the party, and it wuz
forthcomin. But the thing was not complete. It
did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin
void. There was no Nigger in the world, and
without nigger there could be no Dimocracy.
Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet,
and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not
be a slave. Whisky wuz the instrument to bring
him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon
his father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled.
There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon
them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad
and deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham
went out from the presence uv his father, black in
the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed

to yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens
Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity,
that Democracy, then in the womb uv the future,
kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a
nigger to enslave, and whisky to bring men down
to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz whisky to
make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany
horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational
amoosements, and a nigger cust especially
that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe
the fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren,
for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there
could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker
mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a
votin the whig ticket to-day.”

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz
a sittin quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he
mite ask a question. Thinkin what a splendid opportoonity
there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority
uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I
answered “Yes,” gladly.

“Well, Mas'r,” sed the old imbecile, “is I a
beest?”

“My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt
uv it.”

“Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?”

“Indubitably,” replied I.

“And my children — is they little beasts and
beastesses?”

“Onquestionably.”

“Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast,
is he?”

“My friend,” sed I, “that question is —”

“Hold on,” sed he; “wat I wanted to git at is
dis: dere's a heap uv yaller fellers in dis section,
whose fadders must hev bin white men; and, ez
der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know
whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin —”

“Put him out!” “Kill the black wretch!”
shouted a majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest
slave owners under the good old patriarkle system,
and they went for the old reprobate. At this
pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who we
hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin with laughter, remarked
that his venerable friend shood have a
chance to be heerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly
ez the officers generally hev a hundred or
two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath,
permitted ourselves to be further insulted by the
cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and
perceeded.

“My white friends,” sed he, “dar pears to be an
objection to my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin
with beasts, so I won't press de matter. But I ask
yoo, did Noer hev three sons?”

“He did,” sed I.

“Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?”

“Uv course.”

“Ham come from the same fadder and mudder
as the odder two?”

“C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.”

“Well, den, it seems to me — not fully understandin
the skripters — dat if we is beasts and beastesses,
dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and dat,
after all, we is brudders.” And the disgustin old
wretch threw his arms around my neck, and kissed
me, callin me his “long lost brudder.”

The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously,
and so did a dozen or two soljers in the
crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk out without
adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly,
that he had notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz
extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend
itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd
done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because
he cood wallop em, and make em do his work without
payin em, wich he coodent do with white men.

I left the meetin house convinst that the South,
who worked the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats
to defend the system, hed the best end uv the
bargain.