University of Virginia Library

4. IV.
A Change of Base — Kentucky. — A Sermon which
was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued
Confederate.

HERE in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last
hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent,
and here I propose to lay these old bones when
Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see
fit to 4close. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
luv it for its memories. Here stands the Capitol
where the President makes his appintments; there
is the Post Offis Department, where all the Postmasters
is appinted. Here it was that Jaxon rooled.
I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him,
for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs
ez bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated
him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez
fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the compliment
he paid me. Jest after his election I presented
myself afore him with my papers, an applicant

for a place. He read em, and scanned me with
a critic's eye.

“Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?”
sez I, inquirinly.

“Certinly,” sez he; “I kin and alluz hev. Its
sich ez yoo I use to beet the whigs with, and I am
continyooally astonished to see how much work I
accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir,” sed
he, pintin to the door, “when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin
be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic.”

I didn't get the office I wantid.

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced
to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth
is, the planks uv that city and the pavements are
harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any
other city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congressmen,
but that cood only last a short time, there not
bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I
had gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it
wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the Senit.
Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich
the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore
me, and I drank. “Put it down with the rest uv
mine,” sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.

“Yoor name?” sez he.

Assoomin a intellectual look, I retorted, “Do you
know Charles Sumner?”

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped
herself. Hed I sed “Saulsbury,” it mite
have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink
uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't
account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the
street. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein
kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on them
terms; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. The
gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv the Pennsylvania
Central passed me over their road. They did
it with the assistance uv two gentlemanly and urbane
brakesmen, wich dropped me tenderly across
the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.

I found here a church buildin, uv wich the congregation
had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin
expeditions, and announsin myself ez a constooshnel
preacher from Noo Gersey, succeeded in drawin
together a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.

Takin for a text the passage, “The wagis uv sin
is death,” I opened out ez follows: —

“Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any
deviashen from yer normal condishen. Yoor beloved
pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in

close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed,
that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work its been for many
years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv
a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allowance,
more than his stumick absolootely demands,
and his head swells with indignashen. The excess
is sin, and the ache is the penalty.

“The wagis uv sin is death! Punishment and sin
is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man —
one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is
to kum around — ez nite is to foller day. The
Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez
experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin
wuz elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel.
When —”

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the
back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me.
He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which
must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got
through he'd punch my hed; whereupon I let him
go on.

“Trooly,” sez he, “the wages of sin is deth. I
I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy
hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and

the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is
trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence better.
Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that righteousnis
wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died,
and a host uv tuppenny politicians, with his great
name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, an
undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
coold hev elected a honist man every fourth or fifth
term, they mite hev ground along for a longer
period, but alars! Jaxon wuz the last of that style
we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in
the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv
them.

“The fust installment uv deth we reseeved wuz
when Harrison beet us. The old pollytishens in
our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, `The Treasurey
woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow
after the suckin it has experienced for 12 years; it
needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected Poke, and here
it wuz that Sin got a complete hold uv us. Anshent
compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in
blud. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and
that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in Mexico.
Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to
the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
sence prove the trooth uv the text, `The wages uv

sin is deth?' O, my frends! in wat hevy installments,
and how regularly, hez these wages bin
pade us.

“Our men uv character commenst leavin us. Silas
Write kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us
hed he not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv
uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse
wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), whom
we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
skatterin ensood.

“Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradually
but shoorly the work uv deth went on. Bookannon
wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us.
After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat
wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin follered,
and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon
hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to
wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off with
this, however. `The wages uv sin is deth,' and
we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated
South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other
Democratic States to foller; he forced the Northern
Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz
the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix,
and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and wun by wun
the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the

Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone,
and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.

“Oh, how true it is! We served sin faithfully,
and where are we? We went to war for slavery,
and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and
the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites,
and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied herself
to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.

“Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and
whar is Kentucky? We sent our men to the confedrit
army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the
skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we
wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to
hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em.
We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are
taken from us with nary a compensate. In short,
whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix
hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plantashen
here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they
cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait,
my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to
show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is
a very dead article uv death. I know not what the
venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to
say, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heritage,

and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text,
he aint much on the preach. I'm dun.”

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn't
go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedickshun,
hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced
men aint present.