University of Virginia Library

68. LXVIII.
HAS A DREAM.

I am no bleever in gosts or dreems, or sich, nor
never wuz. Ef the tyrant Linkin, (wich is a
ape,) shood draft me, and I shood be dragged to
the tentid feeld, a unwillin marter, I know I shood
much prefer meetin the gost uv a rebel soljer,
wich is a shadder, than 2 enkounter wun in the
flesh, with a muskit and baynet, wich is no shadder.
Dreems is likewise unsubstanshel, and result,
9 cases out uv 10, frum aboose uv the stumick. I
dreem but seldom, and wen I do, I alluz attribit
it 2 eatin a pound or two more sassij, or drinkin
a quart or two more whisky, than I reely need,
late at nite; and I never bleevd they wuz prophetik,

becoz I don't allow that the seat uv prophesy
is located in the stumick. These is my theory
uv gosts, dreems, and sich.

I hed a dreem last nite, wich left a impreshn on
my mind. I hed bin preparin a sermon, provin
that “Servants, obey yoor masters,” justified the
ketchin uv niggers with dorgs, wen I fell asleep
and dreemed. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid
in that stait 200 yeers, and hed awoken, and found
myself agin on earth. I saw nothin pekoolyer.
There wuz more ralerodes, and more skool-houses,
and in2 wun uv the latter I went.

The skool-marm wuz eggsaminin a class uv
youngsters in histry.

“Who wuz the greatist and goodest men the
Yoonitid Staits ever prodoost?”

“George Washington and Aberham Linkin.”

“What did they do?”

“Washington foundid the government, and Linkin
preservd it.”

“Who wuz the wust men the country prodoost?”

A little gurl anserd:

“Joodath Ithcariot, Benedict Arnold, Jeff Davith
and Vallandigum.”

“Yoo air wrong, my child,” retortid the skool-marm.
“Judas lived in another country, and be4

the others. They were so simler, however, that
the errer is excoosible. What did Arnold, and
Davis, and Vallandigum do?”

“Arnold betrayed his country, and took up arms
agin it; Davis rebelled agin his government, and
Vallandigum helped him all he cood without gettin
hisself into danger.”

“What names were given them ez opposed the
government, in '76 and '61?”

“Tories and Copperheds.”

“Which wuz the wust, the Tories or Copperheds?”

“That pint hez bin much discust, but no konkloosion
hez ever bin arriv at.”

“How menny times wuz Linkin electid President?”

“Two.”

“Had he enny opposition for the sekkund
term?”

“Nun 2 speek uv. The rebels and Copperheds
run a disgracd soljer, whose name sum historyans
giv ez Mickfadden, uthers ez Micknellan, and
uthers ez Micklellan; but ez he reseevd no votes
in the elektoral collij, the eleckshun wuz considderd
unanimus. The Copperhed candidate sunk
in2 obskoority after the war, and he wuz forgotten,
wich wuz lucky for his children.”

I notist about haff the childern hed on bloo
ribbin; one-fourth wuz drest ordinary, and the
balence hed a white rag pinned to ther bax. I
asked the skool-marm wat this indikatid. She
askt me ef I wuz a furriner; to wich I anserd, I
wuz, a furrin prince in disgise, on a tower uv observashen.
She replied:

“Them ez hez bloo ribbins is the descendants
uv the soljers uv the grate rebellion; them with
no dekorations is desendid frum loyal men who
wuz not soljers; and them poor things who hev
the white rag, [she bustid in2 teers and wept perfoosely,]
are the unforchnit desendance uv—Copperheds!”

I visitid a court-house. The case they wuz
tryin wuz slander. One man hed asserted that the
great-great-grandfather uv another, who wuz a
opposin candidate for Gustis uv the Peese, hed
bin a Copperhed. Plaintiff brot into court a old
paper printed in 1864, wich showd that sed ancester
wuz on a Linkin sentrel komity. Goory
brot in a verdick uv $10,000 for plaintiff.

I awoke frum this dreem in a cold swet. “Is
it possible,” thot I, “that posterity will so regard
us?” and for a minnit I wuz almost persuadid to
be a Christian. But I thot uv the post-offisis, and
sed 2 myself, “What is posterity to a ded man?

Let me hev offis, and the menes uv keepin my
skin full uv whisky without work, and posterity
may think wot it pleezis.” And I resoomed laber
on my sermon.