University of Virginia Library

73. LXXIII.
TAKES A RETROSPECTIVE VIEW.

Retrospex is profitable. By castin a prophetic
eye backards, a massive intellek kin dissern errors
wich hev bin made, and kin dodge em in the
dim and misty fucher.

The old Dimokrasy was wopt in the larst campane,
solely and entirely becoz uv its own stoopidity
and cowardis. I say it boldly. We did n't
bleeve in the war—we wuz opposed to it in the
beginnin; we wantid the guvment revolooshnizd
to keep Noo Ingland, wich is spredin herself all
over the West, frum submergin the entire Dimekratik
party. Our bark wuz on the sea—slaivry
wuz its anker, its jib-boom, its rite forrerd mast,
its bow-sperit, its keel, its all. Slaivry wuz our
best and only holt. The Suthners wantid controle
uv the nashen, that they mite yoose the
sed nashen for the excloosive benefit uv slaivry.
Werry good. They held all the big orfisis for
them purpus; but, thank Hevin, the slaveholders
coodent hold all the orfisis! Ther was n't enuff

uv em, halleloogy! They could n't come up North
and hold the post-orfisis, glory! O them good ole
times! They wuz libral and eezy to pleeze. They
allowed us 2 hev a President occasionally, ef we
presentid a man who cood give bonds to em 2
perform ez they desired. Peerse wuz wun uv
this kind, and Bookannon wuz another, and the
larst. Ther labor wuz complikatid and severe.
Peerse hed to establish the immaculate consepshun
uv Popler Suvrinty, against all Dimekratik
presedent, and poor ole Bookannon wuz forced 2
strangle the noo-born baby, and give birth 2 the
Lecompton bill, wich wuz a severe operashen for
wun so old and frale.

Noo Ingland rebeld, and elektid Linkin. The
South appeled 2 arms. Then wuz our golden opportoonity.
We shood hev took up arms, druv
the yooserper frum his seet, and installd in his
place a sound, conservativ, constooshnel Dimekrat.
Uv coorse, the Ablishnists wood hev resistid.
Ah! I shood want em to. Doth the majestik
eegle appeze his royal appetight on bare
bones? He dothent. The fat and joosy karkis
is wat his hart desires. O how I wood hev liked
to hev led a regiment uv sich braves ez them
frends uv the lait Governor Seemer, who killed
the niggers in Noo York, last yeer, thro the rich

towns uv Massychusitts! Wher the karkis is,
ther the buzzerds will be also.

We did n't do this. What wuz the next best
thing? Cleerly 2 elect ez President a Dimekrat
who hed Dimokrasy enuff to turn the guvment
over to its legitimit owners ez soon ez he got it.
A uncondishnel peese man wuz wat we wantid,
and on a uncondishnel peese platform. We hed
hed 3 yeers uv war, uv taxis, uv drafts, and a
whalin draft wuz a hangin over us at the time.
We wuz shoor uv 6 classis, to-wit, viz:

The Dimekrat proper, who got his pollytix by
inheritanse.

The casheerd army orfisers, dismist becoz they
disapproved uv the manner in wich the war wuz
bein conduktid.

The gentlemanly contracters, who hed furnisht
hoss-beef and shoddy cloth 2 the soljers, and hed
bin caught at it.

The cowardly cusses, who wuz afeerd uv drafts.

The cappytalists, who hed investid in Confedrit
bonds.

The miserly cusses, who groaned at taxes.

Heer wuz a array—a phalanks that coodent be
broken; for wen a man is mean from interest, argument
won't tetch him. It 's shootin paper wads
aginst a iron-clad. Yoo mite ez well whisper

Gray's Elegy in2 the ear uv a ded guvment mule,
wich is sed 2 be the dedest thing on earth.

But Micklellan wuz nominated. O, wat stoopidity!
It wuz dun 2 ketch the War Dimekrats,
they sed. The War Dimekrats lifted up the
General's kote-tale and found Pendleton there,
and they skatterd. The anti-draft and anti-tax
Ablishnists thought they 'd ruther be taxt and
draftid and taxt by Linkin, who hed alluz drawd
it mild, than by Micklellan. The soljers remembered
Chickahominy swamps. The shoddy theeves
knowd they 'd stand no chance agin sech expert
practishners ez the Woods, and Toucey, and sich,
and so we wuz beeten.

I hev hopes that we will yet kum out rite.
Geff'son Davis is armin the niggers; the Dimokrasy
hev seed the folly uv philanderin after war,
and wun good Confedrit victry will set us up agin.

Let the Dimekratik virgins keep their lamps
full uv ile and trimmed.