56. LVI.
ON THE RETURN OF VALLANDIGHAM.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
June the 21st, 1864.
Goy to the world—Vallandigum is cum! The
grate exel, in defianse uv the edix uv a usurpin
despot, hez returnd to his naytiv sile! Glory!
My buzm swells with emoshun, and I leep for
goy. Welkum, Vallandigum!
Overgoyd ez I am, my sensashens air not all
plesherable. The return uv the distingisht champion
uv Suthrin rites is sumwat embarrassin.
The trooth is, Vallandigum wuz not jest the man
we wantid for a leeder. He hez tung, without
discreshun, wich qwalitis hez ruind menny buddin
genuses. Sech men kin alluz succeed in kickin
up a dust, but, forchunately, they alluz git smothered
in it. Vallandigum's weeknis is—Vallandigum.
Shet him up in a sekloodid spot, wher he
hed noboddy 2 blather to about hisself, and he 'd
expire in disgust in a week. 2 resoom.
His return is unfortunit, becoz—
What will we do with him? Under his leedership,
we wuz bein redoost 2 a wery small pint, so
small indeed that we wuz jest reddy to berry. At
this crisis Linkin he ups and arrests him. Wat a
turn that wuz for us! It wuz a dubble-actin leever
that lifted us 2 ways, to-wit: we got shet uv
Vallandigum, who wuz a unmixt noosance here.
It convertid a noosance into a marter, wich wuz
wat we wantid, and give us ground to go on.
Vallandigum ort 2 hev bin more grateful than
2 hev bustid this arrangement by cumin back.
Hed he stayd, a poor exel on a furrin shoar, a
strainin uv his ize to git even a faint glimpse uv
his nativ land, until the campane wuz ⅔ds over,
and then committed sooiside jest afore eleckshun,
in a fit uv temprary insanity brot on by greef,
and sorrer, and wo, and sich, it wood hev bin
hunky. His funeral wood hev bin profitable 2
us, for he is like the jentle hog, a hevy expense
to his owner wile livin, and uv no earthly profit
2 him till he dies.
Agin. Ther 's no call for takin up coleckshuns,
enny more, for his benefit, and—away goze the
cheef inkum not only uv myself, but uv haff uv
the Dimokratik politishns uv the Stait. I shel hev
2 deny myself uv all luxooris frum this time out.
Wat kin we do with him? He heznt the nack
uv sayin 2 things at wun say, and nuthin else
will do us. Wen the party was a settin its face
mildly aginst slaivry, to fool the Free-silers, he wuz
for eraddykatin the evil. Now, wen we air pintin
mildly Southward, he 's declarin for em openly,
in his usual loonattik stile.
2 konklood. I luv Vallandigum; but ef Linkin
wood arrest him and immure him in the
darkest dunjun in Fort Warin, or hang him, or
marter him in enny manner, he wood trooly confer
a faver on the undersined, and the entire Dimekratik
party. Then wood we carry his deceest
karkis thro the North, with suthin to show on our
chargis uv tiranny. But with Vallandigum at liberty
and in good helth, the fust, last, and only victim
uv unconstooshnel usurpashen air gone, and
with it our cappytal.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
