University of Virginia Library

118. CXVIII.
A FEW LAST WORDS.

Dimekrats uv the Yoonited States! My
task is finisht. I hev throwd together the views,
opinyuns, and prophecies contained in the 4going
pages, ez so many finger-posts to guide yoo along
the road to success; ez so many bekon-lites to
warn yoo agin the quicksands and quagmires that
dot sed road here and there, and into wich so
many uv our most promisin travelers hev bin engulfed.
Alars! how many who set out when I
did, and stepped ez high ez a $1400 hoss, with
plated harness on, hev fallen into em. Free-soilism
wuz the fust wun, and into that Van Booren
and Chase drowndid theirselves. Popler sovereignty
wuz another, and into that Duglis swamped.
War, bloody war agin our Suthern brethrin, wuz
another, and into that nearly the entire party who
wuz wat the world calls decent enuff to soot the
aristocratic Ablishnist, plunged headlong, leavin
travelin in gloomy silence only a few, who, like
myself, can't change their habits enuff to git into
any other organization.

It is well for us that we can't. We shoodent

be comfortable anywhere else. Nacher never
wastes nothin—she gives us all we kin enjoy.
The bird that soars into the bloo empyrium wuz
made to soar into the bloo empyrium, and consekently
wuz provided with holler bones, and wings.
Spozn the elefant shood hev a cravin to soar into
the bloo empyrium, (I like that word—its hefty,)
woodent it be continyooally mizable becoz it coodent
sore into the bloo empyrium?

Likewise. Nacher alluz makes a stingy man
lean and thin. Why? Becoz. Spozn nacher
shood give a mean man the entrales and stumick
uv a liberal man and a good liver. Don't you see
that his hevin the sed entrales and stumick, and
the desires appertainin, and the meanness that
prevented his fillin em, wood make him mizable?
So, ez nacher did n't give him the disposition to
fill stumick and entrales, she did n't also give him
the stumick and entrales to fill.

All uv wich goes to show that we hev jest ez
much sense and decency ez we are capable uv enjoyin.

I am a old man, whose sands uv life hev neerly
run out, and, therefore, my words are entitled to
weight. In these pages I hev laid down rools
that must be follered religiously, ef we ever expect
to succeed. To recapitulate:

1. Skools are agin us. Compare stanch Virginia,

with nary a skool-house, and Ablishn Massychusitts,
dotted with em. When a man learns
to read he alluz gits conseetid, and goes to thinkin
for hisself.

2. Churches are, ez a rool. I bleeve in religion
when properly preached, but a preacher shood
only read sich passages ez Onesimus and Hayger.
But even then they are hardly safe. The members
attendin are apt to go to other churches, jest
to see the difference—then a revival snaps them
up, and wunst regelarly convertid, they go over
to the enemy without fail.

3. Whisky is alluz a safe tool in our hands.
When a man gits so ez to barter his vote for free
drinks, he is too low for tother party to reach
down to—he kin only find one bidder, and he 's
ours at our own price.

4. Never allow a man to skratch a tickit. It 's
a exercise uv his own will, wich can't be allowed.
The convenshuns decide not only what we are to
bleeve, but who we shel vote for. These rools is
general. There are others, but I will not go into
partickelers.

Wun duty devolves upon us, wich we must not
forget. Slavery, that divine system, by and thro
wich we, ez a party, wuz perpetooated for years,
must be agin revived. We can't git along without
it. We must hev suthin on wich the South

will be a unit—sum intrest so all-powerful ez to
swaller up all causes uv diffrence down there,
smooth down all miner pints, and forse em to be
troo to Dimokrasy. Then, for them to control,
they must hev us, for they don't compose half uv
this Union, except in the article uv impudence, uv
wich they hev at least three-fourths. Us they
must hev to carry enuff Congressional deestricks
to give em a majority; enuff Staits North to elect
the President uv their choice, that thro them they
may control things ez they want to.

Uv coarse, they will hold all the heavy orfises
on the skore uv pekooliar fitnis, the South alluz
hevin bin the nursery uv statesmen; but, thank
Heven, the post-orfises and collectorships, and sich,
they don't want, and them we will hev.

A standin hatred uv Noo England must be
stidily inkulkated; not only stidily, but viggerusly
and enthoosiastikly. Them Staits are a growin
rich off uv us, jest the same ez in a strikly Dimekratik
community one smart doggry-keeper absorbs
all the capital. Therefore, we must hate
her, and that hate is a lever uv power for us. Let
us all jine in hatin Noo England.

I hev no apologies to offer for any sentimence
contained in these pages. I may not hev sed
enuff agin the nigger—I may not hev suffishently

aboozed Noo England—I may hev bin too easy on
Linkin, and I may hev sed too much for Micklellan.
But, ef this be so, these errors must be
inskribed to my head, and not to my heart. That
I am sound to the core in my Dimokrasy, let my
noze, and the fact that I never skratched a tikit,
attest.

In concloosion.

To the leaders I recommend akootnis, energy,
and perseverance.

To the voters, steddinis, submission, and unquestionin
fidelity.

To orfis-holders in our Staits, liberality, and ez
much honesty ez is consistent with their own interests
and the interests uv the party.

To our friends, my love!

To our enemies, my burnin cuss!