University of Virginia Library

113. CXIII.
HAS A CONVERSATION WITH THE DEVIL.

Nite afore last, I wuz at a gathrin uv the
faithful, in the next town to Saint's Rest, and wuz
a comin back on the nite train uv the Camden
and Amboy, wich is the beauty and glory uv Noo
Gersey. I wuz somewat elewatid, hevin hed a
need uv inspirin flooids, there bein two or three
returned soljers in the meetin, who kept a provokin
me with irrelevant and irritatin remarks,
sich ez pullin me orf the stand, and pintin revolvers
at me.

When the conductor cum around, I told him
that I wuz a humble worker in the grate feeld uv
Dimekratik reform, and wuz, uv coarse, without
funds, and that I expected to be passed to my
home, FREE! The poor man wuz thunder-struck!
Staggerin aginst the side uv the car, pale ez a
ghost, and speechless, he beckoned to a brakesman,
and pinted me out. In a instant I wuz
seezed and bundled out uv the car. The next

mornin I saw the incident noticed in the daily
papers, under the follerin hed lines:

“THE BULWORKS UV SOCIETY A BRAKIN AWAY!”

“NOO GERSEY IN DANGER!”

“A FEEND DEMANDS TO BE DED-HEDED OVER THE
CAMDEN AND AMBOY!”

“PROMT AND HEROIC ACTION UV THE CONDUCTOR!”

“HIS SALRY RAISED BY THE COMPNY!”

How long I lay alongside uv the track I know
not; but conshusnis returnin, I saw, sittin on the
fence, the figure uv Satan hisself.

“Avant!” cried I. “Why comest thou to torment
me afore my time?”

“Do n't skeer,” sez he; “I do n't want yoo yet.
Remember the old man's remark: `Why shood
men club apples orf uv trees, when, ef they let
em alone, they will fall orf themselves?' I woodent
take the trouble to cum after yoo, and sich ez
yoo. I often take a toor thro Gersey. It 's my
best harvist-field. I 'm pleasurin now.”

Reassured, I asked the old gentleman sum

questions as to what kind uv biznis he wuz a
doin these times, et settry.

He replied that biznis wuz good. The Suthern
States hed bin his grate feeld uv labor, and when
they rebelled agin the guverment he thot he hed
ded wood on them localities. His sole expanded
with goy ez he saw the Churches South plunge
into the seceshn biznis, and their preechers throw
orf the sackerdotle robes and put on butternut
uniform. They never hed much religion down
there, anyhow; but when they went into seceshn,
they threw away that little.

“Ez Linkin's helyuns advanst,” he sed, “my
sole shrunk—only occasionally wuz I elewatid ez
yoo Copperheds riz in the North. Finally, when
Lee and Johnson surrendered, I give up all hopes.
That, I thot, settled the question. The niggers
will be emancipated and I 'll lose them, for they 'll
larn to read, and they 'll diskiver that virchoo is
the best road to travel. Also”—

“Hold!” sez I, “do niggers go to hell?”

“Uv coarse, when they die in their sins,” sez
he.

“Farewell, hope!” exclaims I, in agony, “for
all is lost! At the last end the entire Dimokrasy
will be on a equality with the nigger, and will hev
to mix with em.”

“Also,” sez he, a goin on, “I wuz satisfied I
shood lose the whites South, for when they can't
live on nigger labor and hev to go to work, they
won't hev time to gamble nor drink. They won't
hev $2500 to pay for pretty octoroons, and, per
consequence, one uv the commandments will be
better observed. So I wuz lo-sperited, and conclooded
that the Almity had taken that part uv
the country out uv my hands.”

“How, then,” sez I, “is it that yoo feel so well
to-night?”

“For two reasons,” sez he. “I alluz feel at
home in Noo Gersey; and besides that, things don't
look so bad after all. You folks up North are
doin things to soot me, and so they are South.
Uv what account is Linkin's proclamashen, when
sich men ez now controle the South, are in power?
Them Sutherners are men I like. Guvner Perry
talks uv `Radikle Republikins,' wich shows he 's
bound 2 make head agin the only enemies I ever
hed in the North. The nigger is free, but only in
name. That blessid doctrine uv Stait Rites allows
eech wun uv the Staits to oppress jist which
class they please, and ez the North will certinly
pass all sorts uv laws agin their escapin in that
direcshun, it seems to me ez tho Cuff wuz between
the upper and nether mill-stun, after all. Five

dollars a month they will agree to pay him, but that
he 'll never git. Then follers steelins, and stabbins,
and shootins, and hangins, and arsons, and insurrections,
[here he rubbed his hands,] and more
sich fun than we ever saw. Then when the South
gets strong agin, and they and yoo, yoonited, make
a majority in Congris, won't them Yankees git?
Won't we (I speek uv yoo Northern Dimekrats and
the South and me, wich hez alluz bin pardners,)
make the North pay the Suthern war debt? Won't
we re-establish slavery in the South and extend it
over all the territories, and finally over all the
Northern Staits, makin it yooniversal? I rather
think so. Ef the North refoozes, then agin yoo
and the South and I will make another war, and
that time we 'll succeed, for we 'll know how, better,
and the guverment overthrode, we 'll fix it jist
ez we want it. And then”—

At this pint he threw his left arm about my
neck in a extacy uv irrepressible love. It scorched
ez tho a hot bar uv iron hed bin twisted around
me, and, shreekin with agony—I awoke.

It wuz only a dreem, and I found myself a lyin
in the identikle ditch in2 wich I hed fallen when
the conductor threw me orf the trane.

I cood not help wondrin at the correctnis with

wich my visitor guessed the purposes uv our
party.