98. XCVIII.
HAS A DREAM WHICH UNVEILS THE FUTURE.
[Note to the Reader.—The follerin vision hez no alloosion watever to
pollyticks, or to the state uv our wunst happy but now distractid country.
The dreem, however, made a impression on my susceptible mind, and I
fling it to the world. Ef one individooal is reclaimed from the paths uv
selfish sin, and indoost to meander in the smooth and narrer ways uv
self-sacrificin goodnis, I am rewarded for the labor uv puttin it on paper.—P.
V. N.]
I dreemed last nite that I hed shuffled off this
mortal coil, and wuz in the land uv the hereafter.
Methawt I wuz decently deceest, hed bin genteelly
buried, and a toom-stun, on wich wuz inscribed
enuff virchoos to furnish a dozen saints, hed bin
erected to my memry. I blusht a sperit blush
when I red that stun, and diskiverd what a eggsemplary
man I hed bin. Likewise, a auction wuz
made uv my estate, wich wuz incloodid in a red
bandanner trunk.
My sperit hed ascendid, and I wuz at the outer
gate uv heven, knockin for admittance. The season
hed bin a pekooliarly helthy wun, and ez the
doorkeeper hed n't much to do, while my case wuz
bein decidid on, I amoozed myself ascertainin the
wherabouts uv my old acquaintances who hed deceast
doorin the past ten yeers.
“Got enny quantity uv my old frends up here?”
sez I, inquirinly.
“Not menny,” sez he.
“Deekin Smathers is here, I spose?” sez I.
“Not enny,” sez he.
“Why,” sez I, “the deekin wuz the heftiest
man we hed at a prayer, and no deekin cood be
more zelus in keepin the congregashun strate.”
“Troo,” sed he, “but, alars! the deekin kept his
eagle-eye fixt so intently on his naber's feet, that
his own got off the road, and when he pulled up,
't want at the place he calkilatid on. His prayers
wuz pleasin, but ez they was n't backed up by
DOIN things in proportion, they did n't pass current
up here.”
“How about Elder Black? He wuz a charitable
soul—no man give more to the poor than
him.”
“The elder give away much money, but it
did n't do him no good. The trooth is, the elder,
in his younger days, made up his mind to git
rich and be a good man both. He 'd give a widder
a ten-dollar note, and to make it up wood
charge a workman that amount for tools broken
in his servis. He 'd swindle his naber out uv his
eye-teeth in wat yoo call biznis, down below, and
compromise with his religion by subscribin one-tenth
uv the profits to a mishnary society. Compermisin
don't work in religion—the compermiser
gives to the devil suthin uv valyoo, and reseeves
in return that wich damns him. His swindlins
and cheatins and oppressions wuz eggsakly balanst,
in number, by his charities; but, ez he died
wuth a half a million, the swindlin side wuz the
heaviest in quality. We keep books very akerit,
up here.”
“Wher is good sister Muckum? She 's all rite,
anyhow.”
“Considrably not. The old lady bleevd in the
doctrin uv eleckshun, to-wit: that she wuz elected
2 be saved, and evry body else wuz elected to be
damned. She used to confess, in her prayers,
that she wuz a poor, mizable sinner, but she
did n't bleeve a word uv it. She meant her nabers,
all the time.”
“Deekin Kitt is”—
“No he is n't. His nose wuz too red. The lessons
he used to give his fellows on the subgeck
uv temprance, et settry, he never practist hisself,
He hed a favorit door, and behint that door he
sucked—not a honest suck—he tride to deseeve
hisself. He loved sperits, but he spent fifteen
yeers a tryin faithfully to convince hisself that he
hed dispepsy, and needed whisky, reglar, to keep
him up. He fooled hisself down there, but up
here it 's another thing.”
“Sister Swan, who writ them speritooal hims
that wuz sung in all the Churches. Sich piety ez
prodoost them effoosions must be safe.”
“Agin wrong. Sister Swan writ beautiful hims;
but, my deer sir, she never felt them sentimence.
She wuz burnt up with a itchin after fame, and
sich, and writin speritooal hims happened to be
her best holt. Ef she 'd a knack uv writin comik
songs, she 'd hev writ em. Wun may write like
Watts, but to git where Watts is, he must do ez
Watts did. Yoo can't offset starvin servant girls
with writin speritooal hims, enny more than yoo
kin make speritooal hims take place uv the bred
and taters they ought to hev.”
“Squire McShinnegan”—
“Jined the Church to keep hisself bein continooally
Squire.”
“Bibney, the merchant”—
“Kep inside the pale uv the Church for trade,
but his body wuz all that wuz inside, and that
jumpt out every time he went to Noo York.
His sole wuz in his goods, and it 's gone where
his goods is.”
“Well, who hev yoo here?”
“Yoo mind that nigger blacksmith who hed a
pew in the back part uv the Church. He 's here.
He bleevd, honistly, and practist jest ez fur ez he
knew how. He did wrong evry day, but he alluz
repentid in good faith, and workt to dodge that
same sin the next day. He give librelly, without
blattin it all over creashun, and never paid twice
ez much to hev it publisht in the noozepapers ez
the gift amounted to, wich is a correct deffinishun
uv ginooine charity. Then ther 's Widder Mackintosh”—
“She never give nuthin.”
“Uv coarse she did n't, coz she hed n't it to
give. The Lord don't ask impossibilities. But
she wood hev give, willinly, ef she 'd hed it,
and that wuz all that wuz needed. Old Pete
Barker”—
“He coodent make a prayer.”
“Sartinly not; but he sed Amen to them ez
cood, and while he alluz meant it, them ez made
em did n't, half the time. Then we hev Amos
Petter, who divided his last half bushel uv taters
with the pauper the township woodent take keer
uv—Abram Vandoosen, who nurst the poor when
the small-pox wuz ragin, twelve yeers ago, and
sum uthers. Yoo 've seen sky-rockets. They ascend
with much fiz, and make a magnificent show;
but, alars! afore they reach the skies they bust
and disappear in a sheet uv flame. Jes so with
yoor loud professors and poor practisers. They
cavort beautiful; but they, too, bust afore they
reach hevin, and go down in2 a sheet uv flame.
Yoor ginooine Christian is a arrow. Tipped with
faith—feathered with works—death shoots him off,
he pierces the clouds, and lands on the rite side
uv Jordan.”
At this juncter I awoke. I shoodent wonder ef
a heep uv people wuz a foolin theirselves.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
