University of Virginia Library

111. CXI.
ON SOUTHERN CHARACTER.

The world is, and alluz hez bin, full uv deloosions.
A lie, well started, viggerously stuck to,
and energetically pushed, ansers jest ez well ez
the trooth, and will live a long time. I hev lived
in this world uv desepshun long enuff to diskiver
that there is a huge diffrence betwixt the real and
the ideal.

For instance. In my youth I wuz given to
reedin Cooper's novels, until, becomin infatuated
with his descriptions uv the Injin stile uv livin,
and the granjer uv the Injin charikter, I determined
to jine a tribe, and adopt their habits. I imagined
myself a noble red man uv the forest, a
chasin the wild deer all the day, thro the leafy
wood, and sweetly sleepin at nite in a leafy bower,
never wunst thinkin uv the friteful colds I 'd
ketch sleepin out uv doors, and uv the terrible
consekences uv a purely animal diet upon my uneddikatid
bowils.

Filled with these ijees, I made my way to the

neerest reservation, and the fust noble red man
uv the forest I saw, wuz asleep under a tree, with
a bottle beside him. I awakened him, and addressed
him in the language uv the novels, wich
I sposed wuz all he cood understand, thus:

“Why slumbereth the cheef uv the Pocasokes?
and why are not his feet upon the war-path? The
skelp uv his father hangs in the lodge uv Skinewaugh,
and his death is unavenged! Awake!”

The noble Injin rolled over lazily on one elbow,
took a long pull at his bottle, ejackelatin:

“Ugh! go way. White man dam fool—gimme
dime—buy Injin more rum!” and sank back into
his inebriatid slumber.

Hevin seen the ginooine Injin ez he exists out
uv the novels, I did not jine that tribe.

I yoosed to bleeve in Southern shivelry. Likewise
did I bleeve in Robinson Croosoe, the malestrom,
and Jackson's cotton-bales; but, ezI afterwards
diskivered, there wuz no reality in these,
so I wuz prepared to bleeve the shivelry uv the
South wuz a good part bottled moonshine.

Wunst, to me, the Sutherner wuz a compound
uv George IV, Shevaleer Bayard, Humbolt, and
Longfeller, possessin the deportment uv the fust,
the high-grade shivelry and manly phisikle perfekshun
uv the sekond, the learnin uv the third,

and the deep poetic feelin uv the fourth. I sposed
he wood interdoose his knife into the bowils uv
his enemy with the fearlessness and dexterity uv
Bayard, apologize with the calm grace uv George,
and write his obitchuary like Longfeller, in the
stile uv Hiawatha.

I bleeved his residence wuz a manshun, his
common bevrage the rosiest kind uv wine, quaffed
from the most costly goblets; that money with him
wuz a matter uv no account; that his time wuz
divided between his country, his books, and manly
out-door sports. In war, my notion uv him wuz
a cross between Achilles and Wellington, I givin
him the credit uv hevin the dash uv the one, the
steadiness uv tother, and the heroism uv both.
Sich wuz my ijee uv the Suthern gentleman.

Wood, O wood that this pleasin deloosion hed
never bin dissipatid! It 's the nacher uv the
Northern Dimekrat to look up 2 sumboddy, and I
did n't like the ijee uv hevin my idol dismountid.
I wuz down South doorin the war, hevin served
sevral months in the Loozeaner Pelicans, a Confedrit
regiment, made up uv the fust families uv
that Stait. I found that I hed bin labrin under a
deloosion all my life. I wuz in Virginia a while,
where yoo are supposed to find the highest type
uv Suthern shivelry. On a average the Virginian

is as mizable a cuss ez ther is on earth. His
manshun is a shamblin cabin; his rosy wine is a
stile uv potato whisky, so inexpressibly mean that
it wood be rejected with inexpressible skorn by
the most reckless and abandoned squaw; his
costly goblet is a stun jug with a cob stopper,
and his highest ijee uv amoosement is quarter
races and poker. Long, lank, lathy, low-browed,
peak-nosed, he approaches the appearance uv the
Northerner about ez closely ez a ring-tailed babboon
resembles Powers' Greek Slave.

In war he haint no better than in peece. He
fites well enuff when put to it, but he haint no
endoorence. Ef he don't win from the start, his
game is up. And the less he intends to do, the
more he blows afore he commences. His endlis
blowin about his fitin capasity and resources, afore
the war, wuz wat roped us Northern Dimekrats
into it, and indoost us to stake our politikle fucher
on their success. Alars! we wuz fooled in em, and
we go down with em.

I never want to hear a word agin about Suthern
shivelry. We hev got to git em back agin,
for alone we kin do nothin, and I spose when we
hev em back, we 'll hev to knuckle to em jist ez
we did afore the war, for they comprise the heft
uv the party; but we 'll do it this time for policy,

while before we did it from sheer belief in their
sooperiority over us. I 'd be well satisfied ef we
cood git along, ez a party, without em.