University of Virginia Library

99. XCIX.
OPPOSES THE NOMINATION OF SOLDIERS.

Ther wuz wunst a doctor who hed a pashent
he wuz a physikin. While the physik wuz a
workin, he changed his mind and administerd a
vomick. The pashent's stumick wuz in wat mite
be cald a dilemmer. The physik wuz a pullin
down, the vomick wuz a pullin up, and the poor
bowels, undecided wich to foller, allowed the diseese
to fasten itself, when either wood hev expelled
it. The pashent died, and I am happy to
state that his estate wuz insolvent, and the ijeotik
physician did n't git his bill.

Jest so. Dimokrasy got the stumick-ake when
the war commenst. Fernandywood administerd
the peace-puke, and Micklellan dosed it with war-physick.
The pashent is neerly ded, and neither
doctor will get rich out uv the assets.

I notice all over the North, Dimekratik convenshuns
are nominatin returned soljers for offis,
wherever they kin ketch one who will accept,
and ther 's but little trouble, for in every county

ther 's orfisers who went in2 the servis becoz uv
pay, who Ablishnized theirselves for continyooance,
and who 'll flop back to us on the most reasonable
terms.

I hev persnel motives for objectin. Last winter
these demons were to home on furlo. Twenty
uv em cum to my peeseful dwellin, at the ded hour
uv nite, ceased my venrable form and dragged
me 4th. They made me kneel into the cold
snow, on my nakid knees, and with one hand upliftid,
and my shirt-tale a wavin in the wind, they
made me take the oath, and drink a pint uv water.
The oath give me inflammashen uv the brane,
and the water inflammashen uv the bowels, and
for six weeks I lay, a ravin maniac.

I cood overlook this, for the Dimekrat who
woodent sacrifice his agid grandmother for the
party, is unworthy the name; but I object to nominatin
them, for the follerin reasons also:

1. Taint honist. In 1862 I called the soljers
“Linkin purps,” and the orfisers “sholder-strapt
hirelins,” and I meant it. They wuz wagin a
crooil and unholy war agin Dimokrasy; they wuz
redoosin our magorities in the Suthern Staits at
the rate uv sum hundreds per day, and now to
nominate them, is a flop I 'll never make.

2. 'T won't pay. These fellers sold us out when

they took commishns; they sold out the Ablishnists
when they flopt back to us, and what guaranty
hev we that they wont sell us out, the next
turn uv the wheel? Ef we cood git sum decent
wuns it mite do; but, good Lord! the soljer who
wood do this wood be lower down than we is, wich
wood bother a man. All the votes that sich men
cood controle, we hev alluz owned in fee-simple.

3. Taint justis 2 us originel Copperheds. We
endoored the heat and burden uv the day; we resistid
drafts; we damned taxes; we wuz Fort Lafayeted
and Fort Warined; 'twas us who died in
our door-yards. Wher wuz these orfisers then?
All the damage they dun the guverment wuz in
drawin pay and rashens.

4. The reconstructid Dimokrasy uv the South
won't like it, and to them, after all, we must look
for success.

5. They acknowledged nigger equality, by allowin
niggers to fite with em.

6. We hev gone too fur to try the soljer-dodge.
We opposed the war; we opposed ther votin; we
opposed the Ablishn in votin pay and supplies,
we opposed aid societies, and laft at sanitary commishns;
we opposed drafts at a time when they
needed help; and to go back on sich a record is
ruther renchin, and I won't do it.

7. Ef we undertake the soljer, we commit ourselves
to payin his penshuns, et settry. How
wood the Suthern Dimokrasy like that?

8. Ef we nominate men who servd, we disgust
the deserters and them ez went to Canady for the
sake uv the coz.

We hev cappytle enuff in the nigger. Let us
plant ourselves boldly on shoor ground. Let us
resolve that Goddelmity wuz rite in makin the
nigger our slave, tho he made a mistake in implantin
in his heevin buzm a cronic desire to run
away from his normal condishn. Let us hang out
our banner, and inscribe on its folds, “No marryin
niggers!” “No payin a debt inkurd in a nigger
war!” “Protect us from nigger equality!” and
sich other precepts ez cum within range uv the
Dimekratik intellek, and go in and win.

May the Lord hasten the day.