University of Virginia Library

39. XXXIX.
COMMUNES WITH SPIRITS.

I hev bin for menny years disposed to bleeve
in speritooalism. Ther is suthin pleasent in the
idee uv bein in communicashen with them ez hev
gone before, as it may be reznable supozed that
frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more
clearer lite than we who is encumbered with clay.
Akordingly, I invited a distingisht mejum to visit
my flock. * * *

A circle wuz formd, and I wuz requestid to call

for the sperit uv sum wun. Hevin a few Abolishnists
present, whom I wisht to enliten on politikle
topix, I cald for Tomus Jefferson.

“Tomus,” sez I, “wuz yoo the father uv Dimokrasy?”

(I use my own langige, ez them old fellers wuz
not alluz elegant.)

“I wuz.”

“Tomus, are the party now barin the name
yoor child?”

“Not any. It 's a mizable bastard, born uv
John C. Calhoon, and that old hag, Stait-Rites,
and a low-lived whelp it is. My heirs is them ez
supports the guverment I help to maik.”

“But, Tomus, wood yoo hev us support a Abolishn
war for the purpus uv freein niggers?”

The sperit rapt out with awful distinknis:

“We hold these trooths to be self-evident, that
awl men is creatid ekal, and endoud with certing
inaleyenable rites, among wich is life, liberty”—

At this pint I stopt the mejum. I knew the
sperit wuz not Tomus Jefferson, but a imposter,
hevin heerd a Abolishn preecher use the same
langige at a 4th uv Guly celebrashen. I then
cald Androo Jaxn, hoo respondid:

“Androo,” sez I, “woodent yoo like to be back
on yearth, jist now?”

“Yoo kin bet I wood,” retortid he. “I 'd like
to hev bin President in the place uv that old,
white-liverd, black-cockade Fedralist, Bookannon.
Wat a hangin ther wood hev bin! Ther wood
hev bin vacansis in Congris, and jest ez menny
funerals ez ther wuz vacansis. As for Sowth Carliny”—

The communycashen ceasd, and I heerd a sound
like the grittin uv teeth. It resoomed:

“I 'd string up Vallandigum, and Fernandywood,
and Sammedary, et settry. It wood be a
bad old joke on them indivijjles ef I hed controle
of the habis corpus; I 'd”—

I refoozed to hear further. This sperit wuz,
also, ondoutedly a impostor.

I cald for Benton, who merely sed that Miszory
wuz comin to her senses in gittin rid uv slaivry;
and for Duglis, who remarkt that he cood say uv
the temple of Dimokrasy ez the Savior sed of the
temple, “My howse is cald a howse of prayr, but
ye hev maid it a den of theeves;” both of whom
wuz onquestionably impostors. Another sperit
(probably of a deceest Ablishnist) sed that Benedict
Arnold and Judis Iscariot hadent bin on
speekin terms for sum time, Iscariot hevin called
Arnold a copperhed. Arnold sed he 'd never
stand that.

Duglis cum back, and sed he had jest wun word
2 say. “The Dimekratik party wuz wunst grate,
but it hed got in2 bad hands, and gone crazy as
a drunken bed-bug. It needid new managers—
men uv suffishent sense and honisty to run the
party on old prinsipples. In the old hands, it
wuz a pattryotic party—a party that wuz alluz
for the country. It whaled the British in 1812,
and afterwards nockt the hind sites off uv the old
Fedral party for opposin it. It smasht Mexico,
and afterwards smasht the Whig party for not
helpin. Now, for the Dimokrasy to oppose a war
agin rebels who not only commenst it, but hed
actooally bustid the party itself, is loonacy unekaled
in the histry uv the world. Squelch them
tuppenny pollytishns who hev theeved the mantels
wunst worn by Jaxon and Benton, (they look
in em jest about as well as a orgin grinder's
munky wood in a soljer's overkote, and fill em
jest as much,) got on to a war platform, and”—

I did n't care about persooin my investigashens
enny further, pertikelerly ez the Abolishnists wuz
all a snickrin. It 's my privit opinyun that ther 's
nothin relyable about it. Hed the sperits bin
reely them uv Jefferson, Jaxon, and sich, they
woodent hev talkt so much undilootid niggerism.

However, it did me very well. The mejum

took up a colleckshun uv six dolars, wich, by a
singler coincidence, was the eggsact amount I hed
intendid to charge him for the use uv my church.
He grumbled, but finelly sheld out. I am now
warin a new pare uv pants.