49. XLIX.
ORDAINS A MISSIONARY.
Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, }
March the 17th, 1864.
Last Sundy we hed an improvin seezn. Robbert
Tooms Punt, who hez bin a studyin for the
ministry with me for the past 4 weeks, wuz licenst
and ordaind. He is a yooth uv much promise.
He votid twict for Bookannon, and only 18 yeres
old, swarin his votes in with a coolnis and eese
that eggscitid the admirashen uv the patriarks at
the biznis. I kin safely say that he hez whald
moar Ablishnists, bustid moar Methodist, Brethrin,
and uther hetrodox Churches, than any Dimekrat
uv his age in the Stait. He hez a brilyunt
fucher.
After the usual qwestions wuz put 2 him, and
satisfactroly ansered, the congregashen wuz dismist,
and, in the presents uv the elders and dekuns
alone, I delivered the follerin
CHARGE.
Brother—Hevin bin reglerly ordained, it only
remanes for me to giv yoo a word uv council.
Yoo air a goin in2 the apossel biznis at a rayther
unfavrable time. Man, wich is born uv woman,
hez trubble for his inheritance. I 've hed so much
uv it that, ef I hed it to do over agin, I woodent
be born at all.
The politikle hevins is orecast with poretenshus
clowds. The litenin uv wrath is leapin frum
wun to anuther, wilst the thunder, wich wuz wunst
at a distance, now rores angrily in our ears.
(Grafic ritin.) The ole ship Dimokrasy is tossin
madly onto the wild waivs, with nary a sale set,
her seams open, the water (a furrin element to
her insides) a rushin in. The stiddiest part uv
her crew hev seezd the botes and abandoned her,
and the rest uv em air a fitin for the helm.
In the mean time the ole ship is dashin past
the haven uv Success, and is hedin strate for
the rox uv Destrucshen. To yoo is intrusted a
part uv the work uv savin her. Let me entreet
yoo—
1. Avoid the soljers. With them yoo hev
nothin in common. They will despitefully use
yoo. Wunst a party uv em made me drink a
pint uv water and taik the oath uv allejinse, wich
outragis wuz follerd by conjestion uv the bowils
and inflamashen uv the brane.
2. Alluz preech agin the nigger. It 's soothin
to a ginooine, constooshnel, Suthern-rites Dimekrat
to be constantly told that ther is a race uv
men meaner than he is. Besides, it 's safe —
the nigger hez no vote. Ef he hed, we might
vary.
3. Alluz hev a marter. The Stait-rites Dimokrasy
alluz simpathyze with a man that 's in basteels
for simpathisin with the Sowth, for nun uv
em know how soon their turn may kum.
4. Preech agin amalgamashen at leest 4 Sundays
per munth. A man uv straw that yoo set
up yerself is the eesiest nockt down, pertikelerly
if yoo set him up with a view uv nockin uv him
down.
5. Alluz diloot yoor whisky for new converts.
It taiks much to convert a Ablishnist, and ef yoo
use the pure artikkle, it wood kill a ordnary constooshn
afore he 'd hev time to vote, wich wood
be aggervatin.
6. Sarch the skripters fathefully for sech passagis
ez “Cussid be Kanan,” “Servance, obey yoor
masters,” and sich.
7. Learn to rede, or at least git the shaip uv
the letters so fixt in yoor mind that when yoo
qwote frum a book or noosepaper, you will hold
it rite side up. Eddicashen hez bin a grate help
2 me.
8. Lern to spell and pronownce Missenegenegenashun.
It 's a good word.
The grate leadin ijees uv our sekt, wich it is
yoor dooty to inkulkait, is these: The nigger 's a
ape, Linkin a goriller, Jeff Davis a chrischen gentleman,
the rebellyun a struggle for rites, the soljer
a bluddy tool, Benbutler a beest, et settry.
Yoo air never 2 bleeve in Fedral victrys, but
must alluz credit Confedrit successes. I woodent
advise yoo to let yoor faith in the Confedrisy go
so fur as to taik their skrip on yer salary, neether
wood I burn greenbax. I hev dun. Go, my
brother. Let yer polar star be Dimokrasy, yer
rallyin cry, “The Yoonyun ez it wuz—the Constooshn
ez it is,” wich is latitoodinus; fite the
good fite, and the day will cum wen yoo kin lay
orf yer armor, and with “P. M.” after yoor naim,
engoy the repose that alluz follows well-directid
and wiggerus effort.
Brother Punt startid to-day for Suthern Illinoy,
wher he hez a congregashen.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
