34. XXXIV.
HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT.
Church uv St. —, November the 1st, 1863.
I felt it my dooty to visit Washinton. The
miserable condishon the Dimokrasy find themselves
into, sinse the elecshen, makes it nessary
that suthin be did, and therefore I determined to
see wat cood be effectid by a persnel intervew
with the President.
Interdoosin myself, I opened upon him delikitly,
thus:
“Linkin,” sez I, “ez a Dimekrat, a free-born
Dimekrat, who is prepared to die with neetnis
and dispatch, and on short notis, fer the inalienable
rite uv free speech—knoin also that you er
a goriller, a feendish ape, a thirster after blud, I
speek.”
“Speek on,” says he.
“I am a Ohio Dimekrat,” sez I, “who hez repoodiatid
Vallandigum.”
“Before or since the elecshin, did yoo repoodiate
him?” sez he.
“Sinse,” retortid I.
“I thot so,” sed he. “I would hev dun it, too,
hed I bin you,” continnered he with a goriller-like
grin.
“We air now in favor uv a wiggerus prosecushen
uv the war, and we want you to so alter
yoor polisy that we kin act with you corjelly,”
sez I.
“Say on,” sez he.
“I will. We do n't want yoo to change yoor
polisy materially. We air modrit. Anxshus to
support you, we ask yoo to adopt the follerin
trifling changis:
“Restoar to us our habis corpusses, as good ez
new.
“Arrest no moar men, wimmin, and children
for opinyun's saik.
“Repele the ojus confisticashen bill, wich irrytaits
the Suthern mind and fires the Suthern
hart.
“Do away with drafts and conskripshens.
“Revoak the Emansipashen proclamashen, and
give bonds that you 'll never ishoo another.
“Do away with treasury noats and sich, and pay
nuthin but gold.
“Protect our dawters frum nigger eqwality.
“Disarm yoor nigger soljers, and send back the
niggers to their owners, to conciliate them.
“Offer to assoom the war indetednis uv the
South, and plej the guverment to remoonerate our
Suthrin brethren for the losses they hev sustaned
in this onnatrel war.
“Call a convenshen uv Suthern men and sech
gileless Northern men ez F. Peerce, J. Bookannun,
Fernandywood, and myself, to agree upon
the terms uv reunion.”
“Is that all,” sez the goriller.
“No,” says I, promptly. “Ez a garantee uv
good faith to us, we shel insist that the best haff
uv the orifises be given to Dimekrats who repoodiate
Vallandigum. Do this, Linkin, and yoo
throw lard-ile on the trubbled waters. Do this,
and yoo rally to yoor support thowsends uv noble
Dimekrats, who went out uv offis with Bookannon,
and hev bin gittin ther whisky on tick ever
sinse. We hev maid sakrifises. We hev repoodiatid
Vallandigum—we care not ef he rots in
Canady; we are willin to jine the war party, reservin
to ourselvs the poor privilidg uv dictatin
how and on wat prinsipples it shel be carried on.
Linkin! Goriller! Ape! I hev dun.”
The President replide that he would give the
matter serious considerashen. He wood menshen
the idee uv resinin to Seward, Chais, and Blair,
and wood addres a serculer to the postmasters, et
settry, and see how menny uv em wood be willin
to resine to accommodait Dimekrats. He hed no
dout sevral wood do it to wunst.
“Is ther any littel thing I kin do fer you?”
“Nothin pertikler. I wood accept a small post-orifis,
if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry.
My politikle daze is well-nigh over. Let me but
see the old party wunst moar in the assendency;
let these old eyes once moar behold the Constooshn
ez it is, the Union ez it wuz, and the nigger ware
he ought 2 be, and I will rap the mantel uv privit
life arownd me, and go in2 delirum tremens
happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the seer
and yellow leef. These whitnin lox, them sunken
cheek, warn me that age and whisky hev dun
ther perfeck work, and that I shel soon go hents.
Linkin, scorn not my wurds. I hev sed. Adoo.”
So sayin, I wavd my hand impressively, and
walkd away.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Paster uv sed Church, in charge.
