9. IX.
SHOWS WHY HE SHOULD NOT BE DRAFTED.
I see in the papers last nite that the Goverment
hez institooted a draft, and that in a few
weeks sum hunderds uv thousands uv peeceable
citizens will be dragged to the tented feeld. I
know not wat uthers may do, but ez for me, I
cant go. Upon a rigid eggsaminashen uv my
fizzlekle man, I find it wood be wus ner madnis
for me 2 undertake a campane, to-wit:
1. I 'm bald-headid, and hev bin obliged to
ware a wig these 22 years.
2. I hev dandruff in wat scanty hair still hangs
around my venerable temples.
3. I hev a kronic katarr.
4. I hev lost, sence Stanton's order to draft,
the use uv wun eye entirely, and hev kronic inflammashen
in the other.
5. My teeth is all unsound, my palit aint eggsactly
rite, and I hev hed bronkeetis 31 yeres
last Joon. At present I hev a koff, the paroxisms
uv wich is friteful 2 behold.
6. I 'm holler-chestid, am short-winded, and
hev alluz hed panes in my back and side.
7. I am afflictid with kronic diarrear and kostivniss.
The money I hev paid for Jayneses
karminnytiv balsam and pills wood astonish almost
enny body.
8. I am rupcherd in 9 places, and am entirely
enveloped with trusses.
9. I hev verrykose vanes, hev a white-swellin
on wun leg and a fever sore on the uther; also
wun leg is shorter than tother, though I handle
it so expert that noboddy never noticed it.
10. I hev korns and bunyons on both feet, wich
wood prevent me from marchin.
I dont suppose that my political opinions, wich
are ferninst the prossekooshn uv this unconstooshnel
war, wood hev any wate with a draftin
orfiser; but the above reesons why I cant go,
will, I maik no doubt, be suffishent.
