5. V.
HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH VALLANDIGHAM.
Washington, Joon the 1st, 1862.
I am in Washinton. I stand under the shadder
uv the tempel uv Liberty, and am reposin my
weery lims in the kool shades uv Fredom. But
I cant reelize that this is the saim Washinton
I yoost 2 visit. I yoost to go frum Pennsilvany
to the cappytle wunst a year, to git my stock uv
Dimocrisy recrootid, and to find out what we wuz
expectid to bleeve doorin the cumin year, thus
gettin full 6 munths ahed uv my nabers. I wuz
wunst electid gustis uv the peese in Berks County,
by knoin neerly a year in advanse what we wuz
to vote for that autum. They thot Nasby wuz a
smart man.
2 resoom. This is not the Washinton that
wunst I knode. Our cappytle is now a Ablishn
camp. The brite sun reflex glittrin raze frum
shinin baynets—the ear is horrifide with the
rumble uv cannon-wheels, and the iren-shod war-steed
clatters on the stony street. The slavepens,
them proud moniments uv the sooperiority
of the Anglo-Sacksun race, hez bin swep away,
and with them the heft uv the Dimocrisy. O!
my country! Where is Tooms, and Yancy, and
Wigfall? The lofty domes uv the cappytle dont
re-ekko no more 2 their sole-inspirin voices. Ez I
reflek that these pillers uv Dimocrisy aint here—
and, what is wuss, that they dassent cum here—
that these place that knode em wunst will kno em
no more furever—my manly buzzum throbs with
sorrer, and my prowd form is bowed in anguish.
O thou fell sperit uv Abolishnism, thow hast
much 2 anser for—mucher than thow canst anser.
Wood that I cood heeve thee owt uv these
sacrid precinks, and with gentle stranes woo back
them ez we hev lost. Avant, thow grim and
nasty cuss! my stumick heeves wheneer I think
uv thee.
2 resoom. I kum hear to see Vallandygum.
I huntid him up, and last nite we mingled our
goys and sorrers in a talk that lasted 2 ours
We hed a bottle uv concentratid contentment,
and, after disposin uv a suffishensy thereof, Vallandygum
commenst:
“Nasby,” sez he, “we 're in a fix.”
“Vallandygum,” sez I, “to wich do yoo elude—
our distractid country?”
“Nary,” sez he; “I wuz a speekin uv myself
and the rest uv us. Them 's my country.”
“Sagashus man,” sez I, “youm rite. Politerkilly
we 're ez bad off ez our frends in Fort
Warin is personally. We 're in a tite place.”
“Yes,” sez he; “and we must git out. We
must carry the North this autum.”
“Certingly,” sez I; “but how?”
“I hev,” sez he, “the plan uv the campane
fixt. Fustly, we must oppose the wholesail votin
by niggers.”
“But,” sez I, “no niggers votes in the
North.”
“Nasby,” sez he, a puttin his thum to his nose,
“a man uv straw is the eeziest knockt down,
especially ef yoo hev set him up yerself for the
purpos uv knockin uv him down. 2ndly, the
immense emygrashun uv niggers into the North
must be prohibytid.”
“But,” sez I, “no niggers air comin, or hev
any noshun uv comin in2 the North.”
“3rdly,” sez he, “the alarmin amalgamashun
uv the races must be prohibytid.”
“But,” sez I, “there 's no amalgamashun north
uv the Ohio River.”
“4thly,” sez he, “the idee uv allowin the nigger
to stand on a equality with the whites must
be squelcht.”
“But,” says I, “nobody wants em to be our
ekals.”
“5thly,” sez he, “no nigger must ever be allowd
to hev offis in the North.”
“But,” sez I, “nobody wants the nigger to hev
offis.”
“Never mind, Nasby,” sez he; “nigger is our
trump card—we must lead off with it. Taxes is
a good dodge, for no man likes to pay taxes, and
we must werk em up on that. After nigger,
compromise is our best holt. Ef, by a fair,
ekitable compromise”—
“To-wit, givin our Suthern brethren all they
want,” murmured I—
“We kin end this unnateral war,” continered
he, “wich hez tored up the foundashuns uv liberty,
and rent the proud old Dimekratik party in
twain”—
“Into 2 twains,” sighd I, like a ekkoin
zephyr—
“And reskoo the guverment frum the jobbers
and spekulaters who now control it, and put it
into the hands uv pure men”—
“Sech ez Floyd, and Bright, and we,” sejestid
I, smilin sweetly—
“Then,” continered he, a wettin his lips at the
mouth uv the bottle, “we will not hev labered in
vain. To do this, and bring back the fraternal
feelins uv yoar, this bluddy war must cease. O,
Nasby, the Dimekratik staits is being invadid
the homes uv our Suthern brethren is bein violatid,
their niggers and household gods is bein
torn from em; and onless we kin stand between
em and rooin, will they, wen peese is restored,
take us back, and give us the politikle crums
they can't use? Nary.”
It wuz past 3 o'clock wen I partid from that
trooly grate man. He give me a gineral outline
uv the plans uv the confedrits, and red me letters
he hed reseevd from Tooms, Davis, et settry.
