106. CVI.
EMBARKS IN A NEW ENTERPRISE.
Saint's Rest, (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey,) }
September the 20th, 1865.
I hev alluz hed my eagle-eye fixt onto the patent-medicine
biznis. Dimekratik pollytix wood fit
a man for that occupashen, or that occupashen
wood fit a man for Dimekratik pollytix. Onless
we succeed in carryin the eleckshun this fall I
shel go into it. Ef we are beaten now, with all
the advantage uv taxation and nigger suffrage,
our coz is lost, and ez the nigger sez in the play:
“Old feller's occupashen's gone;”
and then, ho! for the bowels uv the people who
woodent submit their minds to my guidance. I
am certin uv a greater measure uv success; for,
while all people hev bowels, mighty few hev minds,
and ez a rool, the more bowels the less mind.
Anticipatin this catastrophe, I hev already prepared
my advertisements.
The follerin will be my first announcement:
“A retired physician, whose front teeth air entirely
gone, for 85 yeers constooshnally averse to
work, wishes to spend the few remainin days allotted
to him, in alleviatin the suffrins uv the
afflictid, and in makin payments on a country residence.
“While a mishnary in Noo Gersey, his only
dawter, a beautiful, artlis, gushin creecher, uv
skarse 38, wuz stricken down with that dredful
malady, consumption. She wuz restored to helth
by wun uv the aboriginees uv that desolate country,
by the biled-down extract uv a weed that
flurishes luxooriantly there. Wishin to do all the
good in his power, he will send the recipe on the
receet uv $18, in postage-stamps, to all who may
desire it.”
This I rather think will do, partikelerly when
follered by sich certifikits as these:
Case 9018.—P. O'Flanegin, brakesman, hed his
left leg taken off, close up, by allowin it, ingoodishusly,
to hang atween the bumpers uv 2 cars,
one goin east and tother west. Applied remedy,
ez per instructions, to end uv stump. Next
mornin stump hed grown 18 inches. In three
days it wuz ez long ez tother leg, and the foot hed
formed. Put on a boot on the mornin uv the 4th
day. At noon, the growin foot bustid it, and by
nite the leg wuz ten inches longer than the other.
At last accounts the leg wuz still growin.
P. S.—Wishin to do all the good possible, I
promptly discovered, by accident, another weed,
wich will stop the growin; wich, wishin to do all
the good possible, I will send, on receet uv more
stamps.
Case 3824.—Mary M'Guire, widow with nine
small children. Sent stamps and receivd receet.
Cut her oldest girl's arm to the bone to try it.
Applied and healed in 30 minits. An idee struck
her. Drove up her cow, and sliced a steak off
the right hind-quarter. Applied the flooid. The
place healed up in a few minits, ready for another
steak to be taken off. Now supplies the whole
naberhood with tender, fresh beef from that one
cow, and hez bin raised from actooal penury to
afflooence. Last week she investid $12,000 in
7-30's.
Case 6010.—Peter Magnus, carpenter, made a
winder-frame too narrer by six inches. Put it in
its place and rubbed the flooid on each side. Next
mornin the frame hed grode to the desired width.
Case 7287.—Amos Caput, completely bald from
birth. Applied the flooid at nite, and in the
mornin hed a bootiful hed uv hair, all in ringlets.
Tried it on a hog's back, and found it wood prodoose
bristles in 3 hours. Greesed a pine board
with lard, applied the flooid, and found that
bristles wood grow there jest as well. Is now engaged
in the manufacture uv shoe-brushes.
I shel hev several bushels uv postage-stamps to
dispose uv, in a few weeks.
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.
