University of Virginia Library

92. XCII.
MEETS A “RECONSTRUCTID SUTHERN SHIVELRY,
AND HEZ CONFIDENCES.”

I hev bin in Washinton, and while ther I wuz
interdoost to Gineral Marion Sumpter Fitzhoo
Gusher, uv Mississippy. I wuz anxious 2 meet
with a representativ Dimekrat uv the South, 2
interchange views, to hev soothin confidencis, to
unbuzzum, becoz for the past 4 yeers the Dimekratik
party hez bin trooly seckshnal, and the
seckshun it hez okkepied is not the identikle
seckshun onto wich the orfises is lokatid, and only
by a perfeck union with our wunst-loved brethren
uv the South, kin we ever git onto trooly nashnel
ground.

Gineral Gusher is a troo gentleman of the raal
Suthern skool. He puts C. S. A. arter his name
onto the hotel register, and his rings, buzzum-pin,
and the hed uv his cane, is all made uv the bones
uv mizable Yankee soldiers who fell at Bull
Run—he sez by his own hand, and it must be so,
for who ever knode a Suthern man to boast vaingloriously?

We met and embraced, weepin profoosely.

“Alars!” sobbed the Gineral, “wat a nitemare
hez obskoord our respective vishuns for the past
4 yeers! I wuz alluz a Union man, alluz! alluz!
alluz! The old flag I lovd with more nor parental
affeckshun—2 me it wuz more nor life!”

“Why, then, my Ajacks,” sobbed I, “did you
raise your parisidle hand agin it?”

“Why, my beloved! Because MY STAIT
secesht, and I wuz carried along by a torrent uv
public opinion, wich I cood not stem, and I went
with her. But it 's all over. We hev awoke,
and I 'm here in the capital uv my beloved country,
under the shadder uv that glorious flag wich
is the pride uv Americans and the terror uv all
weak nashens wich hez territories contiguous,
reddy to taik a oath, and resoom the citizenship
I laid orf, and agin run the guverment for its own
honor and glory.”

“Hev yoo a pardon?” says I. “Methinks,
wunst a paper reecht my humble village, wich is
unanimously Dimekratik—it cum around a package
of goods from Noo York—and in that paper
I saw your name ez wun uv the orfisers who
killed the niggers at Fort Piller. Am I rite?”

“You air. I 'm a gushin child uv nacher—I 'm

enthoosiastic. Labrin under the same deloosion
that secesht us, I bleevd at that time that I wuz
doin a good thing in killin them property uv ours
that Linkin hed shovd bloo kotes onto. I hev no
apologies to offer—I am now writin a justificashen.

“I, and I speek for thousands uv the shivelrous
sons uv the South, who would like a good
square meal wunst more, am willin to be consiliatid.
The oppertoonity is now offered the guverment
to consiliate us. We are returnin prodygle
sons—kill yoor fattid veel, and bring out yoor
gold rings and purple robes, and sich. We ask
condishns—we shel insist on terms; but we air
disposed to be reasonable. We are willin to acknoledge
the soopremacy uv the guverment, but
there must be no humiliashen. A proud, high-spiretid
people, like us uns, won't stand it—no
sir, we can not. Ther must be no hangin, no confisticashen,
no disfranchisin. We are willin to
step back jest as we stept out, resoomin our old
status, trustin to engineerin to git sech uther pints
ez air not here enoomeratid. Without them condishns,
the Union wood not be wun uv hart—
't wood be holler mockery. Wat we are goin for
is a Union foundid on luv, wich is strongerer and
more soldier than muskits. Harts is trumps—let
the platform be harts, and all is well.”

“But, Gineral,” sez I, “in all this wat do yoo
perpose for us Northern Dimekrats?”

“Towards them our bowils melt with luv. We
forgive yoo. Ef yoo kin take the old attitood,
well and good—ef not”—

“Hold!” sez I, “do n't threat. A ginooine
Northern Dimekrat wants but little here below,
but wants that little long. Give him a small
post-orfis, a nigger-driver to look up to, and a
nigger to look down to, and he is soopreemly
happy. Ef a angel in glory wuz two offer 2 trade
places with him, harp, golden crown and all, he
would ask odds.”

“Uv course them positions yoo kin hev—we
do n't want em. All we ask is to make the platforms,
and hev sich orfises ez hawty, high-toned
men kin afford 2 take, and yoo uns kin hev the
rest.

“But wun thing must be understood. The
scenes uv the Charleston Convention must never
be re-enactid—their must be no more Duglissis.
Under the new dispensashun yoo dance whenever
we fiddle, askin no questions. The Suthern hart
must never agin be fired—it would consume itself.

“Ez soon ez I hev took the oath, I shel immejitly
go hum and run for Congris—see to it that
ye hev enuff Dimekrats ther, that we, jintly, kin

control things. Uv coarse, in a Union uv luv,
ther must be equality. Linkin's war debt must
never be pade, onless ourn is; his hirelins must
never be pensioned, unless our patriots is. Wat
a deliteful spectacle! Men, who, yisterday, wuz
a gougin eech other onto the feeld of battle, to-day
a drawin penshuns amikably, from the same treasury!
The eagle wood flop his wings with goy,
and angels wood exclame, “Bully!” I am disabled
from wounds received on the feeld, and rejoice
that our penshun laws is so libral.

“Go home, my frend, and marshel for the conflict.
Tell yoor centrel committis to collect expense
munny, and I, and Ginral Forist, and
Kernel Moseby, and Champ Ferguson, and Dick
Turner, and Boregard, and perhaps that noble
old hero, (take orf yoor hat while I pernounce his
gellorus name,) Ginral Robert E. Lee, will cum
up and stump the North for yoor tikits. I hev
dun. I go.”

“Noble man,” thot I, ez he stalkt magestically
away, takin, in a abstractin manner, my new hat
and umbreller, leavin his old wuns, “who coodent
foller thee, and sich ez thee, forever and forever?”