4. CHAPTER IV.
Containing infallible nostrums for procuring universal disesteem and
hatred
The lady had no sooner laid herself on her pillow than the
waiting-woman returned to the kitchen to regale with some of those
dainties which her mistress had refused.
The company, at her entrance, shewed her the same respect which they
had before paid to her mistress, by rising; but she forgot to
imitate her, by desiring them to sit down again. Indeed; it was scarce
possible they should have done so, for she placed her chair in such
a posture as to occupy almost the whole fire. She then ordered a
chicken to be broiled that instant, declaring, if it was not ready
in a quarter of an hour, she would not stay for it. Now, though the
said chicken was then at roost in the stable, and required the several
ceremonies of catching, killing, and picking, before it was brought to
the gridiron, my landlady would nevertheless have undertaken to do all
within the time; but the guests, being unfortunately admitted behind
the scenes, must have been witness to the fourberie; the poor woman
was therefore obliged to confess that she had none in the house; "but,
madam," said she, "I can get any kind of mutton in an instant from the
butcher's."
"Do you think, then," answered the waiting gentlewoman, "that I have
the stomach of a horse, to eat mutton at this time of night? Sure
you people that keep inns imagine your betters are like yourselves.
Indeed, I expected to get nothing at this wretched place. I wonder
my lady would stop at it. I suppose none but tradesmen and grasiers
ever call here." The landlady fired at this indignity offered to her
house; however, she suppressed her temper, and contented herself
with saying, "Very good quality frequented it, she thanked heaven!"
"Don't tell me," cries the other, "of quality! I believe I know more
of people of quality than such as you.- But, prithee, without
troubling me with any of your impertinence, do tell me what I can have
for supper; for, though I cannot eat horse-flesh, I am really hungry."
"Why, truly, madam," answered the landlady, "you could not take me
again at such a disadvantage; for I must confess I have nothing in the
house, unless a cold piece of beef, which indeed a gentleman's footman
and the post-boy have almost cleared to the bone." "Woman," said
Mrs. Abigail (so for shortness we will call her), "I entreat you not
to make me sick. If I had fasted a month, I could not eat what had
been touched by the fingers of such fellows. Is there nothing neat
or decent to be had in this horrid place?" "What think you of some
eggs and bacon, madam?" said the landlady. "Are your eggs new laid?
are you certain they were laid to-day? and let me have the bacon cut
very nice and thin; for I can't endure anything that's gross.- Prithee
try if you can do a little tolerably for once, and don't think you
have a farmer's wife, or some of those creatures, in the house."- The
landlady began then to handle her knife; but the other stopt her,
saying, "Good woman, I must insist upon your first washing your hands;
for I am extremely nice, and have been always used from my cradle to
have everything in the most elegant manner."
The landlady, who governed herself with much difficulty, began now
the necessary preparations; for as to Susan, she was utterly rejected,
and with such disdain, that the poor wench was as hard put to it to
restrain her hands from violence as her mistress had been to hold
her tongue. This indeed Susan did not entirely; for, though she
literally kept it within her teeth, yet there it muttered many
"marry-come-ups, as good flesh and blood as yourself;" with other
such indignant phrases.
While the supper was preparing, Mrs. Abigail began to lament she had
not ordered a fire in the parlour; but, she said, that was now too
late. "However," said she, "I have novelty to recommend a kitchen; for
I do not believe I ever eat in one before." Then, turning to the
post-boys, she asked them, "Why they were not in the stable with their
horses? If I must eat my hard fare here, madam," cries she to the
landlady, "I beg the kitchen may be kept clear, that I may not be
surrounded with all the blackguards in town: as for you, sir," says she
to Partridge, "you look somewhat like a gentleman, and may sit still
if you please; I don't desire to disturb anybody but mob."
"Yes, yes, madam," cries Partridge, "I am a gentleman, I do assure
you, and I am not so easily to be disturbed. Non semper vox casualis
est verbo nominativus." This Latin she took to be some affront, and
answered, "You may be a gentleman, sir; but you don't show yourself as
one to talk Latin to a woman." Partridge made a gentle reply, and
concluded with more Latin; upon which she tossed up her nose, and
contented herself by abusing him with the name of a great scholar.
The supper being now on the table, Mrs. Abigail eat very heartily
for so delicate a person; and, while a second course of the same was
by her order preparing, she said, "And so, madam, you tell me your
house is frequented by people of great quality?"
The landlady answered in the affirmative, saying, "There were a
great many very good quality and gentlefolks in it now. There's
young Squire Allworthy, as that gentleman there knows."
"And pray who is this young gentleman of quality, this young
Squire Allworthy?" said Abigail.
"Who should he be," answered Partridge, "but the son and heir of the
great Squire Allworthy, of Somersetshire!" "Upon my word," said she,
"you tell me strange news; for I know Mr. Allworthy of Somersetshire
very well, and I know he hath no son alive."
The landlady pricked up her ears at this, and Partridge looked a
little confounded. However, after a short hesitation, he answered,
"Indeed, madam, it is true, everybody doth not know him to be Squire
Allworthy's son; he was never married to his mother; but his son he
certainly is, and will be his heir too, as certainly as his name is
Jones." At that word, Abigail let drop the bacon which she was
conveying to her mouth, and cried out, "You surprize me, sir! Is it
possible Mr. Jones should be now in the house?" "Quare non?"
answered Partridge, "it is possible, and it is certain."
Abigail now made haste to finish the remainder of her meal and
then repaired back to her mistress, when the conversation passed which
may be read in the next chapter.