12. CHAPTER XII.
The adventure of a company of officers
The lieutenant, whom we mentioned in the preceding chapter, and
who commanded this party, was now near sixty years of age. He had
entered very young into the army, and had served in the capacity of an
ensign at the battle of Tannieres; here he had received two wounds,
and had so well distinguished himself, that he was by the Duke of
Marlborough advanced to be a lieutenant, immediately after that
battle.
In this commission he had continued ever since, viz., near forty
years; during which time he had seen vast numbers preferred over his
head, and had now the mortification to be commanded by boys, whose
fathers were at nurse when he first entered into the service.
Nor was this ill success in his profession solely owing to his
having no friends among the men in power. He had the misfortune to
incur the displeasure of his colonel, who for many years continued
in the command of this regiment. Nor did he owe the implacable
ill-will which this man bore him to any neglect or deficiency as an
officer, nor indeed to any fault in himself; but solely to the
indiscretion of his wife, who was a very beautiful woman, and who,
though she was remarkably fond of her husband, would not purchase
his preferment at the expense of certain favours which the colonel
required of her.
The poor lieutenant was more peculiarly unhappy in this, that
while he felt the effects of the enmity of his colonel, he neither
knew, nor suspected, that he really bore him any; for he could not
suspect an ill-will for which he was not conscious of giving any
cause; and his wife, fearing what her husband's nice regard to his
honour might have occasioned, contented herself with preserving her
virtue without enjoying the triumphs of her conquest.
This unfortunate officer (for so I think he may be called) had
many good qualities besides his merit in his profession; for he was
a religious, honest, good-natured man; and had behaved so well in
his command, that he was highly esteemed and beloved not only by the
soldiers of his own company, but by the whole regiment.
The other officers who marched with him were a French lieutenant,
who had been long enough out of France to forget his own language, but
not long enough in England to learn ours, so that he really spoke no
language at all, and could barely make himself understood on the
most ordinary occasions. There were likewise two ensigns, both very
young fellows; one of whom had been bred under an attorney, and the
other was son to the wife of a nobleman's butler.
As soon as dinner was ended, Jones informed the company of the
merriment which had passed among the soldiers upon their march; "and
yet," says he, "notwithstanding all their vociferation, I dare swear
they will behave more like Grecians than Trojans when they come to the
enemy."- "Grecians and Trojans!" says one of the ensigns, "who the
devil are they? I have heard of all the troops in Europe, but never of
any such as these."
"Don't pretend to more ignorance than you have, Mr. Northerton,"
said the worthy lieutenant. "I suppose you have heard of the Greeks
and Trojans, though perhaps you never read Pope's Homer; who, I
remember, now the gentleman mentions it, compares the march of the
Trojans to the cackling of geese, and greatly commends the silence
of the Grecians. And upon my honour there is great justice in the
cadet's observation."
"Begar, me remember dem ver well," said the French lieutenant: "me
ave read them at school in dans Madam Daciere, des Greek, des
Trojan, dey fight for von woman- ouy, ouy, me ave read all dat."
"D--n Homo with all my heart," says Northerton; "I have the marks
of him on my a- yet. There's Thomas, of our regiment, always carries
a Homo in his pocket; d--n me, if ever I come at it, if I don't burn
it. And there's Corderius, another d--n'd son of a whore, that hath
got me many a flogging."
"Then you have been at school, Mr. Northerton?" said the lieutenant.
"Ay, d--n me, have I," answered he; "the devil take my father for
sending me thither! The old put wanted to make a parson of me, but
d--n me, thinks I to myself, I'll nick you there, old cull; the devil
a smack of your nonsense shall you ever get into me. There's Jemmy
Oliver, of our regiment, he narrowly escaped being a pimp too, and
that would have been a thousand pities; for d--n me if he is not one
of the prettiest fellows in the whole world; but he went farther than
I with the old cull, for Jimmey can neither write nor read."
"You give your friend a very good character," said the lieutenant,
"and a very deserved one, I dare say. But prithee, Northerton, leave
off that foolish as well as wicked custom of swearing; for you are
deceived, I promise you, if you think there is wit or politeness in
it. I wish, too, you would take my advice, and desist from abusing the
clergy. Scandalous names, and reflections cast on any body of men,
must be always unjustifiable; but especially so, when thrown on so
sacred a function; for to abuse the body is to abuse the function
itself; and I leave to you to judge how inconsistent such behaviour is
in men who are going to fight in defence of the Protestant religion."
Mr. Adderly, which was the name of the other ensign, had sat
hitherto kicking his heels and humming a tune, without seeming to
listen to the discourse; he now answered, "O, Monsieur, on ne parle
pas de la religion dans la guerre."- "Well said, Jack," cries
Northerton: "if la religion was the only matter, the parsons should
fight their own battles for me."
"I don't know, gentlemen," said Jones, "what may be your opinion;
but I think no man can engage in a nobler cause than that of his
religion; and I have observed, in the little I have read of history,
that no soldiers have fought so bravely as those who have been
inspired with a religious zeal: for my own part, though I love my king
and country, I hope, as well as any man in it, yet the Protestant
interest is no small motive to my becoming a volunteer in the cause."
Northerton now winked on Adderly, and whispered to him slily, "Smoke
the prig, Adderly, smoke him." Then turning to Jones, said to him,
"I am very glad, sir, you have chosen our regiment to be a volunteer
in; for if our parson should at any time take a cup too much, I find
you can supply his place. I presume, sir, you have been at the
university; may I crave the favour to know what college?"
"Sir," answered Jones, "so far from having been at the university, I
have even had the advantage of yourself, for I was never at school."
"I presumed," cries the ensign, "only upon the information of your
great learning."- "Oh! sir," answered Jones, "it is as possible for a
man to know something without having been at school, as it is to
have been at school and to know nothing."
"Well said, young volunteer," cries the lieutenant. "Upon my word,
Northerton, you had better let him alone; for he will be too hard
for you."
Northerton did not very well relish the sarcasm of Jones; but he
thought the provocation was scarce sufficient to justify a blow, or
a rascal, or scoundrel, which were the only repartees that suggested
themselves. He was, therefore, silent at present; but resolved to take
the first opportunity of returning the jest by abuse.
It now came to the turn of Mr. Jones to give a toast, as it is
called; who could not refrain from mentioning his dear Sophia. This he
did the more readily, as he imagined it utterly impossible that any
one present should guess the person he meant.
But the lieutenant, who was the toast-master, was not contented with
Sophia only. He said, he must have her sir-name; upon which Jones
hesitated a little, and presently after named Miss Sophia Western.
Ensign Northerton declared he would not drink her health in the same
round with his own toast, unless somebody would vouch for her. "I knew
one Sophy Western," says he, "that was lain with by half the young
fellows at Bath; and perhaps this is the same woman." Jones very
solemnly assured him of the contrary; asserting that the young lady he
named was one of great fashion and fortune. "Ay, ay," says the ensign,
"and so she is: d--n me, it is the same woman; and I'll hold half a
dozen of Burgundy, Tom French of our regiment brings her into
company with us at any tavern in Bridges-street." He then proceeded to
describe her person exactly (for he had seen her with her aunt), and
concluded with saying, "that her father had a great estate in
Somersetshire."
The tenderness of lovers can ill brook the least jesting with the
names of their mistresses. However, Jones, though he had enough of the
lover and of the heroe too in his disposition, did not resent these
slanders as hastily as, perhaps, he ought to have done. To say the
truth, having seen but little of this kind of wit, he did not
readily understand it, and for a long time imagined Mr. Northerton had
really mistaken his charmer for some other. But now, turning to the
ensign with a stern aspect, he said, "Pray, sir, chuse some other
subject for your wit; for I promise you I will bear no jesting with
this lady's character." "Jesting!" cries the other, "d--n me if ever
I was more in earnest in my life. Tom French of our regiment had
both her and her aunt at Bath." "Then I must tell you in earnest,"
cried Jones, "that you are one of the most impudent rascals upon
earth."
He had no sooner spoken these words, than the ensign, together
with a volley of curses, discharged a bottle full at the head of
Jones, which hitting him a little above the right temple, brought
him instantly to the ground.
The conqueror perceiving the enemy to lie motionless before him, and
blood beginning to flow pretty plentifully from his wound, began now
to think of quitting the field of battle, where no more honour was
to be gotten; but the lieutenant interposed, by stepping before the
door, and thus cut off his retreat.
Northerton was very importunate with the lieutenant for his liberty;
urging the ill consequences of his stay, asking him, what he could
have done less? "Zounds!" says he, "I was but in jest with the fellow.
I never heard any harm of Miss Western in my life." "Have not you?"
said the lieutenant; "then you richly deserve to be hanged, as well
for making such jests, as for using such a weapon: you are my
prisoner, sir; nor shall you stir from hence till a proper guard comes
to secure you."
Such an ascendant had our lieutenant over this ensign, that all that
fervency of courage which had levelled our poor heroe with the
floor, would scarce have animated the said ensign to have drawn his
sword against the lieutenant, had he then had one dangling at his
side: but all the swords being hung up in the room, were, at the
very beginning of the fray, secured by the French officer. So that Mr.
Northerton was obliged to attend the final issue of this affair.
The French gentleman and Mr. Adderly, at the desire of their
commanding officer, had raised up the body of Jones, but as they could
perceive but little (if any) sign of life in him, they again let him
fall, Adderly damning him for having blooded his waistcoat; and the
Frenchman declaring, "Begar, me no tush the Engliseman de mort: me
have heard de Englise ley, law, what you call, hang up de man dat tush
him last."
When the good lieutenant applied himself to the door, he applied
himself likewise to the bell; and the drawer immediately attending, he
dispatched him for a file of musqueteers and a surgeon. These
commands, together with the drawer's report of what he had himself
seen, not only produced the soldiers, but presently drew up the
landlord of the house, his wife, and servants, and, indeed, every
one else who happened at that time to be in the inn.
To describe every particular, and to relate the whole conversation
of the ensuing scene, is not within my power, unless I had forty pens,
and could, at once, write with them all together, as the company now
spoke. The reader must, therefore, content himself with the most
remarkable incidents, and perhaps he may very well excuse the rest.
The first thing done was securing the body of Northerton, who
being delivered into the custody of six men with a corporal at their
head, was by them conducted from a place which he was very willing
to leave, but it was unluckily to a place whither he was very
unwilling to go. To say the truth, so whimsical are the desires of
ambition, the very moment this youth had attained the
above-mentioned honour, he would have been well contented to have
retired to some corner of the world, where the fame of it should never
have reached his ears.
It surprizes us, and so perhaps, it may the reader, that the
lieutenant, a worthy and good man, should have applied his chief care,
rather to secure the offender, than to preserve the life of the
wounded person. We mention this observation, not with any view of
pretending to account for so odd a behaviour, but lest some critic
should hereafter plume himself on discovering it. We would have
these gentlemen know we can see what is odd in characters as well as
themselves, but it is our business to relate facts as they are; which,
when we have done, it is the part of the learned and sagacious
reader to consult that original book of nature, whence every passage
in our work is transcribed, though we quote not always the
particular page for its authority.
The company which now arrived were of a different disposition.
They suspended their curiosity concerning the person of the ensign,
till they should see him hereafter in a more engaging attitude. At
present, their whole concern and attention were employed about the
bloody object on the floor; which being placed upright in a chair,
soon began to discover some symptoms of life and motion. These were no
sooner perceived by the company (for Jones was at first generally
concluded to be dead) than they all fell at once to prescribing for
him (for as none of the physical order was present, every one there
took that office upon him).
Bleeding was the unanimous voice of the whole room; but unluckily
there was no operator at hand; every one then cried, "Call the
barber;" but none stirred a step. Several cordials was likewise
prescribed in the same ineffective manner; till the landlord ordered
up a tankard of strong beer, with a toast, which he said was the
best cordial in England.
The person principally assistant on this occasion, indeed the only
one who did any service, or seemed likely to do any, was the landlady:
she cut off some of her hair, and applied it to the wound to stop
the blood; she fell to chafing the youth's temples with her hand;
and having exprest great contempt for her husband's prescription of
beer, she despatched one of her maids to her own closet for a bottle
of brandy, of which, as soon as it was brought, she prevailed on
Jones, who was just returned to his senses, to drink a very large
and plentiful draught.
Soon afterwards arrived the surgeon, who having viewed the wound,
having shaken his head, and blamed everything which was done,
ordered his patient instantly to bed; in which place we think proper
to leave him some time to his repose, and shall here, therefore, put
an end to this chapter.