5. CHAPTER V.
An apology for all heroes who have good stomachs, with a description
of a battle of the amorous kind
Heroes, notwithstanding the high ideas which, by the means of
flatterers, they may entertain of themselves, or the world may
conceive of them, have certainly more of mortal than divine about
them. However elevated their minds may be, their bodies at least
(which is much the major part of most) are liable to the worst
infirmities, and subject to the vilest offices of human nature.
Among these latter, the act of eating, which hath by several wise
men been considered as extremely mean and derogatory from the
philosophic dignity, must be in some measure performed by the greatest
prince, heroe, or philosopher upon earth; nay, sometimes Nature hath
been so frolicsome as to exact of these dignified characters a much
more exorbitant share of this office than she hath obliged those of
the lowest order to perform.
To say the truth, as no known inhabitant of this globe is really
more than man, so none need be ashamed of submitting to what the
necessities of man demand; but when those great personages I have just
mentioned condescend to aim at confining such low offices to
themselves- as when, by hoarding or destroying, they seem desirous to
prevent any others from eating- then they surely become very low and
despicable.
Now, after this short preface, we think it no disparagement to our
heroe to mention the immoderate ardour with which he laid about him at
this season. Indeed, it may be doubted whether Ulysses, who by the way
seems to have had the best stomach of all the heroes in that eating
poem of the Odyssey, ever made a better meal. Three pounds at least of
that flesh which formerly had contributed to the composition of an
ox was now honoured with becoming part of the individual Mr. Jones.
This particular we thought ourselves obliged to mention, as it may
account for our heroe's temporary neglect of his fair companion, who
eat but very little, and was indeed employed in considerations of a
very different nature, which passed unobserved by Jones, till he had
entirely satisfied that appetite which a fast of twenty-four hours had
procured him; but his dinner was no sooner ended than his attention to
other matters revived; with these matters therefore we shall proceed
to acquaint the reader.
Mr. Jones, of whose personal accomplishments we have hitherto said
very little, was, in reality, one of the handsomest young fellows in
the world. His face, besides being the picture of health, had in it
the most apparent marks of sweetness and good-nature. These
qualities were indeed so characteristical in his countenance, that,
while the spirit and sensibility in his eyes, though they must have
been perceived by an accurate observer, might have escaped the
notice of the less discerning, so strongly was this good-nature
painted in his look, that it was remarked by almost every one who
saw him.
It was, perhaps, as much owing to this as to a very fine
complexion that his face had a delicacy in it almost inexpressible,
and which might have given him an air rather too effeminate, had it
not been joined to a most masculine person and mien: which latter
had as much in them of the Hercules as the former had of the Adonis.
He was besides active, genteel, gay, and good-humoured; and had a flow
of animal spirits which enlivened every conversation where he was
present.
When the reader hath duly reflected on these many charms which all
centered in our heroe, and considers at the same time the fresh
obligations which Mrs. Waters had to him, it will be a mark more of
prudery than candour to entertain a bad opinion of her because she
conceived a very good opinion of him.
But, whatever censures may be passed upon her, it is my business
to relate matters of fact with veracity. Mrs. Waters had, in truth,
not only a good opinion of our heroe, but a very great affection for
him. To speak out boldly at once, she was in love, according to the
present universally-received sense of that phrase, by which love is
applied indiscriminately to the desirable objects of all our passions,
appetites, and senses, and is understood to be that preference which
we give to one kind of food rather than to another.
But though the love to these several objects may possibly be one and
the same in all cases, its operations however must be allowed to be
different; for, how much soever we may be in love with an excellent
surloin of beef, or bottle of Burgundy; with a damask rose, or Cremona
fiddle; yet do we never smile, nor ogle, nor dress, nor flatter,
nor endeavour by any other arts or tricks to gain the affection of the
said beef, etc. Sigh indeed we sometimes may; but it is generally in
the absence, not in the presence, of the beloved object. For otherwise
we might possibly complain of their ingratitude and deafness, with the
same reason as Pasiphaë doth of her bull, whom she endeavoured to
engage by all the coquetry practised with good success in the
drawing room on the much more sensible as well as tender hearts of the
fine gentlemen there.
The contrary happens in that love which operates between persons
of the same species, but of different sexes. Here we are no sooner
in love than it becomes our principal care to engage the affection
of the object beloved. For what other purpose indeed are our youth
instructed in all the arts of rendering themselves agreeable? If it
was not with a view to this love, I question whether any of those
trades which deal in setting off and adorning the human person would
procure a livelihood. Nay, those great polishers of our manners, who
are by some thought to teach what principally distinguishes us from
the brute creation, even dancing-masters themselves, might possibly
find no place in society. In short, all the graces which young
ladies and young gentlemen too learn from others, and the many
improvements which, by the help of a looking-glass, they add of
their own, are in reality those very spicula et faces amoris so of
mentioned by Ovid; or, as they are sometimes called in our own
language, the whole artillery of love.
Now Mrs. Waters and our heroe had no sooner sat down together than
the former began to play this artillery upon the latter. But here,
as we are about to attempt a description hitherto unassayed either
in prose or verse, we think proper to invoke the assistance of certain
aerial beings, who will, we doubt not, come kindly to our aid on
this occasion.
"Say then, ye Graces! you that inhabit the heavenly mansions of
Seraphina's countenance; for you are truly divine, are always in her
presence, and well know all the arts of charming; say, what were the
weapons now used to captivate the heart of Mr. Jones."
"First, from two lovely blue eyes, whose bright orbs flashed
lightning at their discharge, flew forth two pointed ogles; but,
happily for our heroe, hit only a vast piece of beef which he was then
conveying into his plate, and harmless spent their force. The fair
warrior perceived their miscarriage, and immediately from her fair
bosom drew forth a deadly sigh. A sigh which none could have heard
unmoved, and which was sufficient at once to have swept off a dozen
beaus; so soft, so sweet, so tender, that the insinuating air must
have found its subtle way to the heart of our heroe, had it not
luckily been driven from his ears by the coarse bubbling of some
bottled ale, which at that time he was pouring forth. Many other
weapons did she assay; but the god of eating (if there be any such
deity, for I do not confidently assert it) preserved his votary; or
perhaps it may not be dignus vindice nodus, and the present security
of Jones may be accounted for by natural means; for as love frequently
preserves from the attacks of hunger, so may hunger possibly, in
some cases, defend us against love.
"The fair one, enraged at her frequent disappointments, determined
on a short cessation of arms. Which interval she employed in making
ready every engine of amorous warfare for the renewing of the attack
when dinner should be over.
"No sooner then was the cloth removed than she again began her
operations. First, having planted her right eye sidewise against Mr.
Jones, she shot from its corner a most penetrating glance; which,
though great part of its force was spent before it reached our
heroe, did not vent itself absolutely without effect. This the fair
one perceiving, hastily withdrew her eyes, and levelled them
downwards, as if she was concerned for what she had done; though by
this means she designed only to draw him from his guard, and indeed to
open his eyes, through which she intended to surprise his heart. And
now, gently lifting up those two bright orbs which had already begun
to make an impression on poor Jones, she discharged a volley of
small charms at once from her whole countenance in a smile. Not a
smile of mirth, nor of joy; but a smile of affection, which most
ladies have always ready at their command, and which serves them to
show at once their good-humour, their pretty dimples, and their
white teeth.
"This smile our heroe received full in his eyes, and was immediately
staggered with its force. He then began to see the designs of the
enemy, and indeed to feel their success. A parley now was set on
foot between the parties; during which the artful fair so slily and
imperceptibly carried on her attack, that she had almost subdued the
heart of our heroe before she again repaired to acts of hostility.
To confess the truth, I am afraid Mr. Jones maintained a kind of Dutch
defence, and treacherously delivered up the garrison, without duly
weighing his allegiance to the fair Sophia. In short, no sooner had
the amorous parley ended and the lady had unmasked the royal
battery, by carelessly letting her handkerchief drop from her neck,
than the heart of Mr. Jones was entirely taken, and the fair conquerer
enjoyed the usual fruits of her victory."
Here the Graces think proper to end their description, and here we
think proper to end the chapter.