University of Virginia Library

31. LETTER XXXI.

A Discussion on Assassination Letters—Reflections
thereon—The Major exposed to Assassination as well
as the Gineral—This diabolical Plot not confined to
one Party alone—Dutch Dunder and Blixem—The
Gineral alarmed at the Sound only—A Translation
requested, and Reasons for declining it—A Lame
Trick—Concluded by a Haw Haw.

We have had a good deal of sport here
lately, about a new kink our folks got into.
Findin things was goin pretty tuff agin us, and
so many Committee folks comin on here,
pesterin on us every day with petitions and
talk, they tho't best to put a stop to it—and
got up some letters full of fire, and toe, and
brimstone, and bloody murder agin the Gineral—and
threatenin on him. This, you know,
is an old trick in the old countries—and I
tell'd the Gineral I was peskily afear'd it
wouldn't work well here. But they wouldn't
take my advice—and so they got some on

'em printed. The first go off, the Gineral
had a notion it would do some good in stirin
up our friends about the country: but when
he and I come to consider on't, he begun to
think it wouldn't work right—for when you
come to think on't, it looks plagy strange that
folks who want a recharter of a Bank should
be cut-throats and murderers—for if they
had a notion that way, they could get
money without comin here for it, and killin
the Gineral, and runnin the risk of my axe
in the bargain—`And now,' says I, `Gineral, I
consider this business, now that it is all printed,
a plagy small matter, and I am peskily afeard
it will do us no good—folks will laff at it all
about creation—and them that don't know the
natur of our countrymen won't think so well
on us—and I don't think it's right nother.
But howsomever,' says I, `since we've got in
it, and some folks will laff, my notion is, we
best begin and have some fun ourselves first;
and the next time all our Cabinet folks git together,
I'll have my share on't at any rate.'
And so, sure enuff, yesterday I got a chance.
I sot down and jin'd the ring, and says I,
`More steel and brimstone, Gineral.' And I
out with a hull bundle of letters—and the
first one I read was dated away up in Hills-dale,
New-Hampshire. `Now,' says I, `that's
a rale geniwine letter—from a place where
there ain't nobody but rale geniwine folks of
our party.' They all stared, not knowin what
was comin: and the Gineral he sot still smokin
so you couldn't see but leetle on him. And
so I read:—

To Major Downing, alongside the Gineral,
Washington.a

`You etarnal rascal,—If you don't stop
writin letters—that keep all the while workin
agin our party—we will send folks to Washington
who will chop you up into mince-meat
with your own axe. We don't see how it is
the Gineral keeps sich a blasted scamp about
him as you be—we believe you are bribed by
Biddle; for we don't see how you git a livin
out of your Major's commission, now there
ain't no war. If the Gineral changes his notions
about the Bank, it will all be owin to
your advice—so look out—and if the Bank
comes out of this scrape alive, you are a dead
man.'

`There,' says I, `ain't that a stumper? But

here is one a leetle worse than that, and is
dated, `Dunder Barak (* * * *) Kender Hook,
(* * * *) Overslaw.'

But that's all the English I can make on't.
And the Gineral he looked at it, and then
ask'd Mr. Van Buren to read it out in English
for us. And he took it and studied it over a
spell, and he twisted round, and was plagily
put to it to know what to do about it, and
whispered somethin to the Globe man, and he
whispered to another, and it went round.
`Come,' says I, `let's have it.' `Well,' says
Mr. Van Buren, `it's a pretty severe letter, but
we best not translate it—I'll read it as it is,
with pleasure.' And so he went at it after
this fashion—and this is the copy on't:—

Jy bent nu een levendige man maar zo zeker
als gy nu den Generaal aanraad om de Bank
van de vereenigde Staaten te herstellen, zullen
wy den DONDER EN BLIXEM door je slaan, en
dan zal je een dooije man zyn. Weet je dan
niet dat als deeze Bank van de vereenigde
Staaten niet vernietigd is, dat de Regeering

Bank te Albany haar oogmerk niet kan vervullen,
om Mynheer Van Buren President te
maaken? nu deeze brief is om je te zeggen
dat als je niet ophoud met die gekke brieven
te schryven, en regt omkeerd en Mynheer Van
Buren ondersteund om die Bank na beneede
te stellen, en de zekerheid-Gelde Banken na
boven te houden pass op-of je krygt het mes
in debuik, het maakt geen onder scheid wie
lydt, of hoe veel meuschen bankroet gaan, als
wy Mynheer Van Buren maar President
kunnen maaken, en dan kan ieder en een die
maar bewyzen kan dat hy hem ondersteund
heeft en geld daarby verlooren heeft op de
Pensioen Lyst van Mynheer Van Buren gesteld
worden, en betaald worden wit de publicque
kast, net als de oude Revolutie Soldaten,
en als hy President word dan zal hy alles
onder zyne bedwinging hebben en “zyne
vrienden beloonen, en zyne vyanden bestraffen.”

Gy hebt maar eene week meer te leven als
gy je gedrag niet veranderd—Dus pass op—

Before he got half threw, the Gineral he riz
up, and his hair stood evry way. And, says

he, `Major, that sounds like bloody murder
don't it?' And says I, `there is no doubt on't.
And if Mr. Van Buren would ony give the
English on't, it would be worse than any letter
agin you, Gineral,' says I. `Well,' says the
Gineral, `it it's worse in English than it
sounds in Dutch, I don't want to hear it; and
we best stop readin any more letters about
murder.' `Well,' says I, `if that's enuff, I'm
content. But,' says I, `we best git these
printed in the Globe.' `No, no—O no, no—
O no,' cried out pretty much all on 'em, `they
ain't official enuff for the Globe—nothin goes
there but the rale stuff, `by Authority.”

`Well,' says I, `if anybody says this ain't as
true as them other ones, I should like to hear
it.' And I give 'em a look, but they didn't
say a word. `Well,' says I, `that ain't all; if
any on you want to know any thing more
about these 'ere letters, I am willing to tell
you who wrote'em, and why they was written;
and that's a leetle more than any on you dare
say about t'other ones. And,' says I, `that
ain't all yet; if any on you want me to tell
who wrote them t'other letters, and why they
was written, I can tell you that too,' says I.

And with that, they all begun to look pritty

cloudy, and some on 'em said there warn't no
use to say nothin more about the business.
`Very well,' says I, `it's a nasty trick, any
way; it may do very well for some countries,
but it won't do in this; our people know a
leetle too much to bite at sich a bait as that.
And now,' says I, `the next time any on you
want to play off a rale good trick, you must
be sartin first, to see both eends on't; or else,'
says I, `you'll be as bad off as my old neighbour
Eliakum Doolittle, who work'd nigh
upon a week diggin a wolf-pit, and fixen a
trap-fall on top on't, and jest as he was baitin
on't, he slipp'd in himself; and it warn't till
he was enymost starved to death, afore the
neighbours found out where he was.'

The Gineral was tickled to death with this
story, but our folks didn't like it a bit; and so
he ha-haw'd—and as I always in these hard
times hook on to any thing worth laffin at (for
the chance is plagy scarce), I turn'd to, and
join'd the Gineral, and we ha-haw'd together
till there warn't a critter left in the room but
me and the Gineral. And so that's all I've
got to say about murder and brimstone this
time.