University of Virginia Library

27. LETTER XXVII.

[By the following letter, which we received yesterday, it ap
pears that we were correct in the opinion we expressed, re
specting the rumor that our friend Major Downing had been
under the necessity of leaving the “White House” at Wash
ington. The truth of our suggestion is now placed beyond a
doubt, as this letter abundantly proves. The Major not only remains
in his former station, but obviously maintains the full
degree of influence which he has heretofore exercised over the
proceedings and policy of “The Government.” That attempts
should be made by the Kitchen Cabinet, to thwart him in his
disinterested efforts to promote the public welfare, and to frustrate
the machinations of artful, designing, and unprincipled
men, is not to be wondered at. But it is very fortunate that our
friend sees through their plots, and has independence to oppose
them face to face, even in the “presence chamber.”—Eds.]

The Gineral tickled by the New-York and New-Jersey
Legislatures—The Charge of Bank Bribery hits
the wrong Side—An Indian Fashion recommended
—An Experiment at heating one Boiler at a time—
State of the Country—The Nub of the Business—
Heterodoxy is not my Doxy—A Game, Necromancy
or Financy; or Van Buren Cups and Balls—Transfer
Checks, Contingent Drafts, and Hocus Pocus—
The Gineral at bay—The Pack driven off by the
Major's Whip—Scene closes with the Safety Valve
open.

Ever since I and the Gineral settled the
Post-Office accounts, as I tell'd you in my last,

by chargin the amount that Major Barry is
astarn to `Glory' and `Reform,' the Gineral
has been more easy about it than I am afeard
other folks be, especially some of the opposition
folks in Congress: they keep smellin
round—and unless we can git up another
nullification, there will be trouble, not only
about the Post-Office business, but some other
branches of the Departments.

Congress keeps hammerin away yet about
the Deposits, and the Gineral was jest agoin to
give up, when we got the news from Albany
of the vote of the Legislatur there is favor of
the Gineral in taking away the Deposits from
the U. S. Bank, and the vote of the New-Jarsey
Legislatur, and strong news too that
some other Legislatur, wo'd do the same.
The Gineral was amazinly tickled, and says
he, `Major, I reckon your notion that the
people warn't with us on that pint, is a mistake;
and now,' says the Gineral, `I'll hang
on and keep the Deposits, and Biddle may
whistle for 'em.' `Well,' says I, `Gineral,
we'll see, and as I said afore, if the people
don't tell their Legislaturs another story, and
Congress too, afore we are a month older,
then,' says I, `I know nothin on 'em.' `Very
well Major,' says the Gineral, `we'll see.'

And jest then in come Amos and the Globe
man, and some more of our folks, and lookin
pretty streaked too, and I got a notion right
off there was somethin stirrin; and so they
began to tell the Gineral that Biddle was to
work bribin all the people he could to sign
petitions to Congress, askin to put back in the
Bank all the Deposits agin, and to re-charter the
Bank. `Why,' says the Gineral, `ain't that too
bad, Major—we must give the Bank,' says he,
`that Latin pill, there is nothin will stop'em but
that skiry factus' (or some sich name, the Gineral
calls it). `Now,' says I, `Gineral, stop a
bit,' says I; `there is one thing puzzles me
considerable about this birbin business—I
should like to know who they be who are takin
bribes—it ain't in the natur of things,' says
I, `for Squire Biddle to bribe the friends of the
Bank, for that would be useless—then,' says
I, `it must be that he is bribin the enemies
of the Bank, and that's our party. Now,'
says I, `will you set by and hear folks say,
that our party is sich a scabby set of fellows
as to take bribes—if you do,' says I, `I wont,'
and with that I riz up, but afore I could git
round the corner of the table, I and the Gineral
was alone agin. I sot down and said
nothin—I gritted my teeth a spell, but that
didn't do much good—I took my knife and
whittled the table, but that warn't much
better, and the only way to rights that put me
in a good temper agin, was to whistle more
than 40 verses of Yankee Doodle, for I didn't
like to say a word to the Gineral whilst I was
in a pashin. The Gineral was all the while
walkin up and down the room—so as soon as
I got through whistlin, says I, `Gineral, I
guess we best say nothin more about bribin,'
says I. `Well,' says he, `Major, I reckon you
are right—for the notion never struck me
afore that that kinder talk hits right upon
the heads of our friends, for they are the only
ones that need bribin.' `Now,' says I `Gineral,
jest lets you and I sit down and talk over
this business, and I'll tell you, like a true
friend, how the cat is goin to jump, and if it
don't turn out as I tell you, I'll give you my
ax, and throw in my regimentals in the bargain;'
and so the Gineral he sot down and I
went at it.

`In the first place,' says I, `if I git in a
pashin, you must keep cool—and if you git
in a pashin I'll keep cool; but if we both git
in a pashin, then there is no tellin.' `Well,'

says the Gineral, `that is a good notion, Major,
for that's jest the way the Ingins do, and they
larn wisdom from natur—you never see an
Ingin and his squaw git drunk together:
when one gits drunk, tother keeps sober, and
so they take turn and turn about.' `Well,'
says I, `I never heard that afore; but I suppose,
tho', they git along better when they are
both sober.' `Oh yes,' says the Gineral, `in
war time that is best, but not in treaty time.'
`Well,' says I, `that's no matter, that ain't
exactly what I am arter, but I've got a notion
out on't which I'll begin with: Some years ago
the Yankees got drunk, and got up a kinder
nullification—there warn't much in it arter
all, according to my old friend Dwight's book,
but folks South thought there was, and so
they kept sober—and last year the South got
drunk, and then all North kept sober, and that
frolic is ended. Now,' says I, `North, and
South, and East, and West are all sober, and
all shakin hands, and they say we have been
takin a drop too much—there ain't no nullification
nowhere in particular, but its all nullification
all about us, and all hands are formin
a ring and closin in upon us here, pretty
much like a wolf hunt—they all say we have
taken the money that belongs to the people,
and the people won't be content till we give it
up—that's pretty much the nub of the business—and
we shall have petitions and memorials
from all quarters tumblin in upon us, and
if we don't mind them they will be follow'd
by hard nocks, jest like the story in the old
spellin books about the old man drivin the
boys from his apple-tree—he throw'd grass
first, and that doin no good, he tried stones,
and that brought 'em down pritty quick.'

The Gineral he begun to git in a pashin—
and says he, `Major, I'm gittin mad.' `Very
well,' says I, `Gineral, I'll keep cool accordin
to agreement.' And with that the Gineral
slatted round a spell with his hickory, and
talked about New-Orleans, and Siminoli,
and the Grand Tower, and I sat whittlin all
the while. `Why, Major,' says the Gineral,
`I'll never give up the Deposits in the world.'
`What,' says I, `not if the people say we was
wrong in takin 'em? Suppose the people
say the Laws are agin us, what then?' `Well,'
says the Gineral, `I've tell'd 'em that the Laws
are only jest as I understand 'em, and nothin
else.' `Now,' says I, `Gineral, suppose Clay,
or Calhoun, or Webster was in your office

and said jest so—and you was in Congress, or
was one of the people, and didn't agree with
'em, how then?' says I. `Oh,' says the Gineral,
`that's a very different thing—any of
them fellows would be dangerous to trust with
any kind of power.' `Well,' says I, `my notion
is, howsever, that the law don't mean to
trust nobody—and as I am peskily afeard one
or tother on 'em will git in here arter we go
to the Hermitage—I don't want to have any
thing done now by us that they will do, and
then tell us they only do what we did. That's
the only thing that puzzles me—for,' says I,
`Gineral, sass for the goose ought to be sass
for the gander too.'

`Well,' says the Gineral, `there is somethin
in that, Major—but,' says he, `I can't give up
the Deposits anyhow—Amos says we must
hold on to 'em, and all our folks say so too.'
`Yes,' says I, `Gineral, it's true enuff, the
hounds have got the stag down, and got a
taste on him afore the hunters come up—and
I suppose there will be leetle left but the horns
and trotters: but,' says I, `it ain't right, and
the people will tell us so, you may depend—
and all I have to say is, if what we have done
is to be the rule herearter, I dont know but I

should like to be President myself—for folks
might make Laws, and all I'd have to do
would be jest to understand 'em accordin to
my notion.'

`I don't see, Major,' says the Gineral, `how
it is you git sich odd notions about public sentiment.
I know I can't be mistaken, for every
letter I have time to read tells me I am right;
and I read the Globe from one eend to t'other
every day, and that paper tells every thing,
and I see nothin there that tells me I am rong.'
`Well,' says I, `Gineral, you know you hain't
got time to read more than one letter in a hundred
that comes.' `That's true enuff,' says the
Gineral; `but then our folks do, and they tell
me every thing.' `Tell you every thing?'
says I,—`but no matter'—and so I whistled
Yankee Doodle a spell. `No, no, Major,' says
the Gineral, `the opposition folks throw dust
in your eyes; you don't see things as clear as
the rest of our folks about us.' I jest was goin
to speak, but findin my dander was liftin, I
had to go to whistlin agin, and it took me nigh
upon 15 minits to git right; and I expected
every minit I would have to git my ax and
split hickory a spell in the bargain. `Now,'
says I, `Gineral, you are the ony man on earth

I'd look at a minit, and let him says so to me. I
got dust in my eyes?' says I. `I not know
what is goin on in doors and out of doors?
why,' says I, `how you talk!' `Now,' says I,
`you jist set still a minit, and I'll show you
somethin,' says I, `worth lookin into'—and I
went into a room where Mr. Van Buren and
Amos and some more of our folks git together
every once in a while, to manage and talk
over matters, and I've seen so much of the
games play'd there, and bein naturally curious
in most matters, I can play some on 'em nigh
upon as slick as Mr. Van Buren himself—but
he is a master-hand at it. The game they
had been playin most at latterly was about
managin the public money among the new
Deposit Banks, and showin how to use the
`transfer checks' and `contingent drafts,' so
as to puzzle folks in time and need. It was
done with a parcel of cups and balls, and little
strips of paper—and did tickle me amazinly;
and for a spell puzled me too—and so I
thought I'd jest show the Gineral, and see if
it wouldn't tickle him and puzzle him too.
And I though I'd let the Gineral see if there
warn't a leetle dust in his eyes too. And so I
brought in a hull arm full of this machinery.
And as soon as the Gineral saw me, `Why,'
says he, `Major, what on earth have you got
there?' `Why,' says I, `it's a trifle, and I'll
tell you all about it to rights.' And so I
placed the cups bottom up, all along in a row
on the table, and then I gin the gineral a hand
full of small balls. `Now,' says I, `I'm goin
to show you about as cute a thing as you've
seen in many a day—them cups they call
banks, and them balls is the money we took
from Squire Biddle's Bank; the next thing is
to show you how things are goin to work,
now that we've got our money from one pocket,
where we always know'd where to find it,
and divided it round among twenty pockets,
where may-be you may or may-be you may
not find nothin at all on't—and here,' says I,
`are some leetle pieces of paper that our
folks make use on to throw dust with—now,'
says I, `Gineral, look sharp, or you're gone,
hook and line,' says I. `It's a plaguy cunnin
game, and I don't know sartin that I can play
it as well as Mr. Van Buren and Amos and
some more of them 'ere folks, and especially
the Treasury folks, for they have been at it
now off and on ever since I've been here—and
Mr. Van Buren tell'd 'em unless they could
play this game well, there was no use in takin
away the deposits. Now,' says I, `Gineral,
I'll begin—you are sartin,' says I, `there is a
ball under ev'ry cup'—`O yes,' says the Gineral,
`for I jest put 'em there;' and then I began
slidin the cups by each other, and mixin
on 'em, and kept talkin about Glory and Reform,
and the 8th January, and the Proclamation,
and Veto, and Nullification, and some
folks bein like old Romans born to command,
and others to obey, and so on: and jest as the
Gineral took his eye off the cups and look'd at
me, and was goin to say somethin, I slap'd
some cups together, and call'd out, `Hocus-pocus,
alicam pain, presto, e pluribus unum,
sine qua non, skiry factious,' says I—`there,'
says I, `Gineral, that's the eend on't.' `Well,'
says the Gineral, `I don't see much in that,
Major.' `Didn't you?' says I: `then so much
the better for the game. I suppose, then,'
says I, `you think the balls are under the
cups jest as you put them.' `To be sure I
do,' says the Gineral; `I suspected what you
was after, Major, and I kept my eye on the
cups, and no balls could ever git from under
'em without my seein 'em. I'd stake my life
on't,' says the Gineral; `and what's more,
I'll stake the fastest horse in my stable, that
every one of the cups has got a ball under
'em.' `Well,' says I, `Gineral, it wouldn't be
fare bettin; and so do you go to work and
look.' And the Gineral he lifted up one cup,
and there warn't nothin under it but a piece
of paper. The Gineral he was stump'd; he
look'd at me, and gin his face a twist, and then
he look'd in the cup, and shook it. `Well,'
says he, `Major, that is plaguy odd; what has
become of that ball?' `Well,' says I, `I guess
the paper will tell you:' and the Gineral
took up that, and rub'd his specks, and read,
`Transfer draft, No. 101.' `Well then, I suppose,'
says the Gineral, `it's all right' (for he
jest began to take the notion of the game)—
`and instead of one ball in the next cup,
there is two balls.' `I'm not sartin,' says I;
`and you'd better look.' And so the Gineral
lifted the next cup—and there warn't no balls
there nother—ony another piece of paper.
The Gineral look'd a spell at me, and open'd
his mouth, and then he scratched his head,
and took off his specks, and rub'd them agin,
and then he read the paper. On one side
was, `Contingent check $500,000'—and on
t'other side was written, `Marquis of Carmarthon,
$250,000—6 per ct.'—`Post-Office loans'
—and all kiver'd up with figers, so you could
not see a bit of `White' on the paper. The
Gineral he blink'd at it a spell; and says he,
`Major, what does this mean?' `Well,' says
I, `Gineral, I don't exactly know myself; but
I suppose it's all right, for I see here on one
corner `Amos Kindle.” `O, very well,' says
the Gineral, `if that paper has pass'd under the
eye of `honest Amos,' my life on't, it's all right.
But, Major, where is the ball I put under that
cup?' says the Gineral: `ain't it under one of
these cups?' `Not as I knows on,' says I—
and with that the Gineral he turn'd to agin,
liftin the cups, and shakin on 'em, and lookin
into 'em, and there warn't a ball under nary
one on 'em—ony pieces of paper, all full of
figerin, and some on 'em marked, `Transfer Checks,' and `Contingent Drafts,' and `Treasury
Warrants.' The Gineral hussled 'em
about to see if he could find any of them balls
among 'em—and examined all the cups agin;
and he looked under the tables: so to rights,
says he, `Major, I'm stump'd—I nock under
—I'm clean beat,' says the Gineral; `and
now,' says he, `where are the balls?' And
with that I put my hand in my pocket, and
took'em out. `Well,' says the General, `that
beats all the rest. Now,' says the Gineral,
`what game is this? ain't this nickremancy?'
`Well,' says I, `Gineral, my notion is pretty
nigh that, but Mr. Van Buren says there ain't
a bit of nickremancy in it—it's only financery;
but I suppose it's a leetle of both on 'em.'
`Well,' says the Gineral, `its a plaguy cunnin
game, Major, ain't it?' `O,' says I, `it's nothin
as I play it here—you should see Mr. Van Buren
at one eend of a table, and honest Amos at
t'other, and some of the folks from York State
with the `Safety Fund' cups, too, strung
around the table, and all on 'em understandin
the game nigh upon as well as Mr. Van Buren—and
ren—and then they bring in the `party cups'
too—and such a movin and hocus-pocus work
I never see afore in my born days—in lookin
sometimes I wouldn't bet I had a head on my
shoulders—it beats all natur,' says I.

`Now, Major,' says the Gineral, `suppose
you try it agin:' and so, as I got my hand in,
played it over two or three times a leetle slicker,
and the Gineral couldn't see the trick no
way—for when I'd find him watchin plaguy
close, I'd spread the cups as far as I could
reach, and talk about `Glory' like all rath, and

tell about the people's beginnin to think that
some folks was outwittin the Gineral, and
that Congress wouldn't go home afore they
git all the public 'counts sifted, and the people's
money back agin under their control;
and as the Gineral couldn't keep his eye on
all the cups at once, I'd hocus-pocus agin.
The Gineral couldn't see into it; and he rub'd
his specks more than twenty times, but that
didn't git the dust out of his eyes; and then I
turn'd to and explain'd all I know'd about it
to the Gineral, and he tried it—and after a
good many slips—pretty much as Major Barry
did when he tried it—he got along pretty well,
considering. `Now, Major,' says the Gineral,
`suppose we try it with one cup, and put all
the balls under it, and see how the game
works that way. I think,' says the Gineral,
`if you can outwit me then, I may as well
quit.' `Well,' says I, `Gineral, that was jest
my notion too; and I tell'd our folks, and offer'd
to bet any on 'em they couldn't git a
single ball out, or git a piece of paper in the
place on't, without my seein it, if they only
used one cup; and not one on 'em would take
me up—and I've tried it, but it won't work
with one cup—you must have a good string
on 'em. Some of our folks said they could
fix a cup so as to play the game with it—but
they couldn't with a plain single cup—and
seein that, I stump'd 'em about the single
cup; they are all at work now in all parts of
the country, inventin a cup with springs, and
screws, and slides, and holes inside on't.'
`Well, Major,' says the Gineral, `I don't like
to have dust thrown in my eyes, and I never
did like this kind of hocus-pocus work; I
never understood it; and I don't like this
kind of nickremancy, or financy—and it ain't
to my fancy at any rate, Major, and it shan't
be, that I'm detarmin'd upon'—and jest then
in come a hull raft of our folks from Congress,
to tell the Gineral what was goin on there;
and as I had this letter to write to you, I went
into the next room; and whilst I was writin
it, I'd hear the Gineral once in a while stormin
away about that plaguy game of `financy,'
and `nickremancy.' `There won't be a dollar
left,' says the Gineral, `to pay the old sogers
their pensions, if we don't put a stop to
this game;' and then they all got to blusterin
—and `we must,' and `we musn't do this and
that.' `Oho,' thinks I, `when folks talk of we,
it's time for me to take a hand:' and jest as I
was goin to start, I heard the Gineral roar out
for me; and not knowin what was comin, I
jest grab'd my ax, and was alongside of him
in a flash: and would you think it? there
was more than fifty fellers of our folks, and
some on 'em from Congress too, all standin
round in a ring, brow-beatin the Gineral, and
tellin him not to do this, and not to do that,
and by no means not to break their cups; for,
it seems, the Gineral had jest threatened to
smash 'em; and sure enuff, as soon as he saw
me, he let drive at 'em with his hickory, and
he sent the cups and balls into more than a
thousand bits. `Stand by, Major,' says the
Gineral. `Never you fear me, Gineral,' says
I: but afore I had time to spit in my hands,
the Gineral finished the war; there warn't a
critter left. And ever since, the Gineral has
bin blowin off steam; and he hain't said a
word to me about havin dust in my eyes; and
I begin to think the Gineral finds he has had
as much in his'n as most folks: and so that's
all for the present; only I'll jest tell you it's
no use for any one to attempt now to deceive
the Gineral with new plans, and a new Bank
—we'll have the one we've got made a leetle
bigger, pretty much after Mr. Webster's fashion;
and that meets my notion, because the
country is bigger than it was 20 years ago—
and there mustn't be no nickremancy about
it. The Gineral says there must be only a
plain cup, and all the balls in it; then there
will be no hocus-pocus without seein the trick
on't. So no more at present.