University of Virginia Library

5. LETTER V.

Containing Major Downing's Official Report on the
United States Bank.

Published “By Authority.”

Dear Sir,—I have just got here after exssamin
in the Bank; and it was the toughest
job I ever had in my life. The Gineral was
so bent on my doing it that I had to `go ahead,'
or I'd sneak'd out the first day. I was
nigh upon a week about it, figerin and siferin
all the while. Mr. Biddle see quick enuff it
was no fool's journey I come on; and I made
some of his folks scratch their heads, I tell
you. I gin'em no notice of my comin, and
I jump'd right in the thickest on'em there one
day when they were tumblin in and shellin
out the money like corn—`now,' says I, `my
boys, I advise all on ye to brush up your multiplication
tables, for I am down upon you
with aligation, and the rule of 3, and vulgar
fractions; and if I find a penny out of place,

the Gineral shall know it. I'm no green horn
nor member of Congress, nor Judge Clayton,
nor Mr. Cambreleng neither,' says I. As soon
as Mr. Biddle read the letter the Gineral sent
by me, says he, `Major, I'm glad the Gineral
has sent some one at last that knows something,
and can give a strait account;' and with
that he call'd all the bank folks, and tell'd 'em
to bring their books together. `Now,' says
he, `Major, which eend shall we begin at
first?' `It makes no odds which,' says I;
`all I care about is to see if both eends meet;
and if they don't, Mr. Biddle,' says I, `its all
over with you and the Bank—you'll all go,
`hook and line:” and then we off coats, and
went at it. I found some of them 'ere fellows
there plaguy sharp at siferin. They'd do a sum
by a kinder short Dilworth, quick as a flash.
I always use a slate—it comes kinder natural
to me; and I chalk'd her off there the first
day, and figur'd out nigh upon 100 pretty considerable
tuff sums. There was more than 3
cart load of books about us, and every one on
'em bigger than the Deacon's family Bible.
And such an etarnal batch of figerin I never
see, and there warn't a blot or a scratch in
the hull on 'em.

I put a good many questions to Mr. Biddle,
for the Gineral gin me a long string on 'em;
and I thought some would stagger him; but
he answered them all just as glib as our boys
in Downingville do the catakize, from the
`chief eend of man' clean through the petitions.
And he did it all in a mighty civil way,
too; there was only one he kinder tried to git
round, and that was—how he came to have
so few of the Gineral's folks among the Dirictors
until very lately?—`Why,' says he,
`Major, and Major,' says he (and then he got
up and took a pinch of snuff and offered me
one), says he, `Major, the Bank knows no
party; and in the first go off, you know, the
Gineral's friends were all above matters of so
little importance as Banks and Banking. If
we had put a branch in Downingville,' says
he, `the Gineral would not have had occasion
to ask such a question;' and with that he
made me a bow, and I went home and took
dinner with him. It is plaguy curious to hear
him talk about millions and thousands; and
I got as glib too at it as he is; and how on
earth I shall git back again to ninepences and
fourpence-happenies I can't tell.

After I had been figerin away there nigh

upon a week, and used up 4 or 5 slate pencils,
and spit my mouth as dry as a cob, rubbin out
the sums as fast as I did them, I writ to the
Gineral, and tell'd him it was no use; I could
find no mistake; but so long as the Bank was
at work, it was pretty much like counting a
flock of sheep in a fall day, when they are just
let into a new stubble—for it was all the while
crossing and mixing, and the only way was to
lock up all the Banks, and as fast as you count
'em, black their noses.

`Now,' says I one day to Squire Biddle,
`I'll just take a look at your money-bags, for
they tell the Gineral you han't got stuff enuff
in the Bank to make him a pair of spectacles;
none of your rags,' says I, `but the real grit:'
and with that he call'd 2 or 3 chaps in Quaker
coats, and they open'd a large place about as
big as the `east room;' and such a sight I
never see—boxes, bags, and kegs, all full, and
I should say nigh upon a hundred cord. Says
I, `Squire Biddle, what on earth is all this
for; I'm stump'd.'—`O,' says he, `Major, that's
our Safety Fund.' `How you talk!' says I.

`Now,' says I, `is all that genwine!' `Every
dollar of it,' says he; `will you count it,
Major?' says he. `Not to-day,' says I; `but

as the Gineral wants me to be particular, I'll
just hussle some on 'em;' and at it I went,
hammer and file. It raly did me good, for I
did not think there was so much rale chink in
all creation. So when I got tired, I set down
on a pile, and took out my wallet, and began
to count over some of the `Safety Fund' notes
I got shaved with on the grand tower. `Here,'
says I, `Squire Biddle, I have a small trifle I
should like to dicker with you—its all `Safety
Fund,” says I; `and Mr. Van Buren's head
is on most all on 'em.' But as soon as he put
his eye on 'em he shook his head. I see he
had his eye-teeth cut. `Well,' says I, `it's no
matter;'—but it lifted my dander considerable.

`Now,' says I, `Mr. Biddle, I've got one more
question to put to you, and then I'm through.
You say your bills are better than hard dollars;
this puzzles me, and the Gineral too.—
Now how is this?' `Well,' says he, `Major,
I'll tell you: suppose you have a bushel of
potatoes in Downingville, and you wanted to
send them to Washington, how much would
it cost you to get them there?' `Well,' says
I, `about two shillins lawful—for I sent a barrel
there to the Gineral last fall, and that cost

me a dollar freight.' `Well,' says he, `suppose
I've got potatoes in Washington jist as
good as yours, and I take your potatoes in
Downingville, and give you an order to receive
a bushel of potatoes in Washington,
wouldn't you save two shillings lawful by
that? We sometimes charge,' says he, `a
trifle for drafts when the places are distant,
but never as much as it would cost to carry
the dollars:' and with that we looked into the
accounts agin, and there it was. Says I,
`Squire Biddle, I see it now as clear as a
whistle.'

When I got back to Washington, I found
the Gineral off to the `Rip-Raps,' and I arter
him. One feller there tell'd me I couldn't go
to the `Rip-Raps'—that the Gineral was there
to keep off business; but as soon as I tell'd
him who I was, he ordered a boat, and I paddled
off.

The Gineral and I have talked over all the
Bank business; he says it is not best to publish
my report, as he wants it for the message:
and it would only set them Stock-fish nibblin
agin in Wall-street. I made him stare when
I tell'd him about the dollars I saw there, and

once and awhile he would rinkle his face up
like a ball of ravlins; and when I tell'd him
Biddle wouldn't give me any of his `Safety
Fund' for any of Mr. Van Buren's that I had
with me, the Gineral took out his wallet, and
slung it more than 5 rods into the brakers.

We are now pretty busy, fitting and joining
the beams and rafters of the message; and if
Mr. Van Buren don't get back before we begin
to shingle it, I guess his `Safety Fund' will
stand but a poor chance.

The Gineral don't care much about having
his head for a sign-board; but says he, `Major,
when they put my head on one eend of a
Bank Bill, and Mr. Van Buren's on tother
eend, and `promise to pay Andrew Jackson,'
and then blow up, it's too bad—I won't allow
it—it shan't be.' The Gineral says, if he allows
Amos Kendle to make his report about
the State Banks, it is but fair to let me publish
mine about Squire Biddle's Bank. So I am
getting mine ready.

We have a fine cool time here, and ain't
bothered with Office Seekers; we can see'em
in droves all along shore, waitin for a chance.
One fellow swam off last night to get appointed

to some office—the Gineral thinks of
making him minister to the King of the Sandwich
Islands, on account of their being all
good swimmers there.