University of Virginia Library

3. LETTER III.

Cause of the sudden termination of the President's
Eastern Tour—Dance at Downingville—Trying on
the Gineral's coat.

On my way from Saratogue to Washington.

Part land, part water—but all steam.

Dear Sir,—Ever since I wrote to you
from Downingville that plaguy long letter, I
ha'nt writ one letter, except for the President;
so all the accounts you have seen since are a
pack of lies. I thought I would wait to see
what they would say about the Gineral's goin
hum so sudden, and the cause on't, before I
tell'd you all about it. Now this is the hull
on't—You remember I tell'd you we were all
goin that night to a quiltin at Uncle Josh's;
well, we did go, and we had a great time on't,
you may depend. But it endid in trouble,
and split all our folks up into kindlin-wood.
Arter the quiltin, they cleared away the kiverlids
and knock'd up a dance. The Gineral
led off the old Deacon's darter, and afore he
got half down he began to smoke; so he off
coat, and at it agin, and went clean through.

I kept my eye on Mr. Van Buren, who was
not dancing then, but was ready to cut in in
case the Gineral giv out. As soon as this
dance was over, he sliped round and wispered
somethin to the fidler, and then told the folks
he'd like to show 'em a new dance. Cass,
and Woodberry, and all on us run off to git
partners, and all made for the Deacon's darter,
for she was as spruce and as fine as a fiddle,
but she was engaged to Mr. Van Buren.
That crittur, it seems, had secured her for the
second dance, whilst we were all at dinner
talking politics.

We had all been drinkin putty considerable
of switchel, and cider, and egg-pop, with a
little New England in it, and felt good-natur'd
and wrathy jest as it turned up, and come
plaguy nigh havin a fight right off—for I
didn't kinder like that move of Mr. Van Buren's.
However, I thought I wouldn't spile sport,
seein I was to hum, and they all strangers:
the Gineral tell'd me to let him alone, and he'd
put things to rights: sure enuf, he work'd
round, and put all the folks in a ring, so there
warn't no top nor no bottom, they were all
kinder head and kinder tail. `Now,' says he,
`I'll call the figers,'—and the fiddle began—
and such a caperen you never see. `First

dance to your partners,' says he; and at it
they went, he all the while figerin in the
middle with the Deacon's darter. After shufflin
away at this, the tune changed, and he
called out,—`Change partners, and shuffle the
next;' and so they chang'd, and shuffled and
changed, one arter another, till each one
danced clean round the ring. `Now,' says
he, `all hands round—turn partners half round
—cross over with a swing—back agin—right
and left—riggledown and shuffle:' and you
never see sich a snarl—there warn't one on
'em had the partner he started with. Unkle
Josh, who led off old Miss Sprague, Seth's
mother, had got Zekil Bigelow's youngest
darter; Sargent Joel was dancing with the
Deacon; and Cass and Woodberry stood back
to back shufflin to nobody; and there was
that crittur Mr. Van Buren, with the Deacon's
darter, shavin it down, right along side the
fidler, clean up head, and just then he twitch'd
the bow out of the fidler's hand, and gin it a
draw over a candle, and that put a stop to
the music for that night. The Gineral
snorted: says he, `Major, I tell'd you he'd
put things strait—'tis just so in my Cabinet—
he's a master crittur to put things to rights
there; and when we all got in that plaguy
snarl there, he cut and shuffled them up, and
afore we could say Jack Robinson, all the
troublesome fellers were shuffled out.' `He's
a master hand at it,' says I, `sure enuff.' As
there was an eend of the dance, all the galls
off shoes and stockins, and went hum, caze it
was kinder muddy; and we all went to the
tavern, and the Gineral went to bed. We all
then began to plan for the next day, but some
of the folks was plaguy crusty. Seth Sprague
wanted to show his school-house; Zekil Bigelow
wanted all on us to go to his packin-yard;
and the Deacon said he would like to
show us his fullin-mill, and give a kinder
thanksgivin; but nothin seemed to go right.
We concluded to call the Gineral, and so I
went in, but he was so sound asleep I thought
it wouldn't do to wake him; so, for a kinder
sport, I brought out his hat, and coat, and
hickory. `Now,' says I, `this is all I can get
of the Gineral to-night, and we'll all try on,
and whoever they fit best, shall decide what's
to be done:' and we put Zekil in the chair as
moderator. Woodberry was just goin to take
off his coat, when Zekil, and nigh upon all on
'em, said he carried a leetle to much blubber,
and he stood aside and didn't try at all. Cass
off coat and put on the Gineral's, and it fitted
him to a hair; but the Gineral's hat was a
leetle too small for him. Mr. Van Buren's
turn came next: as soon as he put on the
coat, he riz on his toes; but it would not do;
it kivered him to his heels, and the hat fell
on his shoulders, and you couldn't see nothin
on earth of him. `How does that look, Zekil?'
says he. `Why,' says Zekil, `it looks plaguy
curious.' `Is the coat too long, or am I too
short?' says Mr. Van Buren. `Well, I don't
know exactly which,' says Zekil, `I'll think
on't to rights.' `That's right, Zekil,' says I,
`don't commit yourself;' and then they all
kinder snickered; and the laugh went agin
Mr. Van Buren. `Now, my friends,' says
Mr. Van Buren, `one word, and I'm done—it
is not, and never has been, and never will be
my wish to fit the coat and hat exactly; but I
think that whoever wears either should be
least seen.' `Well,' says Zekil, `that's my
notion too;' and that kinder turned the laugh
tother way.

Then cum my turn; but I see how the cat
jump'd, `so,' says I, `I'll jest step out and rig
in another room:' and I went strait to the

Gineral, and woke him up, and tell'd him all
about it—he was as wrathy as thunder—and
when he gets his dander up, it's no joke, I tell
you. So in he went. `Well,' says Zekil,
`if I hadn't seen the Major look jest so this
mornin, I'd swear that was the Gineral himself.'
The Gineral then gin 'em all a hard
look, and said somthin, but a plaguy leetle
softer; and the cat was out of the bag—and
then cum trouble. `What,' says he, `all on
ye Presidents, hey! who has been trying on
my coat?' They were all as mum as a Quaker
meetin. `I'll start by daylight,' says he,
`for Washington.'—`Major,' says he, `do you
go by the way you have plann'd, and tell the
folks that I can't cum; for may I be etarnally'—`That
will do,' says I, `Gineral.'
And with that he gin 'em all a real hard look,
and went to bed. The next mornin, sure
enuf, he was off, Mr. Van Buren and some
others with him. Cass hung back: and I
streaked it round through New-Hampshire,
cut across the edge of Massachusetts, Connecticut,
and Vermont, and into York State,
and smack up to Saratogue. 'Twas well I
did so, for the folks were all waitin. I tell'd
'em all jest one story, for it was no use to tell
any other, for the rail-road and steamboats go
so plaguy fast, afore I was done telling the
folks in one town I was in another; and
how on earth Mr. Van Buren manages it, or
could expect me to tell the masons one story,
and the anti-masons another, I can't tell.

Finding, when I got to Saratogue, all the
flashy folks was at Congress Hall, I put up
there too; and it's close alongside the spring.
Mr. Wescot was right glad to see me, and I
had a real time there for a week. There was
a swod of fine folks, and dreadful handsome
galls; and the house was nigh upon chuck
full. They all wanted to know about the
Gineral, and I tell'd 'em pretty considerable
about it, and that we was all on our own hook,
now, pretty much. And I don't see but what
I stand about as good a chance to be President
as any on 'em. I met a man from Georgia
there, 6 feet 9 inches high, a real good fellow.
Most all these southern folks are good fellows,
if you don't say nothin about the Tariff, nor
freein the niggers; but they talk pretty big—
I know how to manage them, the Gineral
tell'd me a secret about that—says he `Major,
when they say they can hit a dollar, tell 'em
you can hit a fourpence happenny.' This

Georgian and I had a good many talks about
politics, but we both thought alike, and didn't
quarrel about that; and he tell'd me Georgia
would go for me, arter the Gineral, as soon as
any north of mason and dickson. Says he,
`Can you shoot a rifle, Major?' `Pretty considerable,'
says I. `I can hit a chip in the air,'
says he, `5 times out of 6 shots.' Says I,
`Well, I can beat that, I guess, for I can hit
one 7 times in 4 shots.' `Well,' says he,
`that's enuf, we won't waste powder, and I
knock under.' Says he, `Major, I reckon I
can drink more Saratogue water than you.'
`I'll bet a York shillin of that,' says I. `Done,'
says he—and we stak'd the money. Says he,
`Mr. Wescot, give me a pitcher,'—and down
he went to the spring. This kinder made the
folks think I was swamp'd. But I went
round to Patten's stable, and got a bucket, and
down I went to the spring; and as soon as
he saw me, he smashed his pitcher in a minet.
Says he `Major, I knock under.'

I swash'd her round there, at Saratogue,
for a week, I tell you. I drank nigh upon 5
buckets every morning; and I am as clear
now as a whistle. I am only sorry I didn't
bring Seth Sprague along with me, with his

pitch-pipe, jist to take the shine off of them
'ere singers at Mr. Wescot's house; he'd beat
ary one on 'em.

I got a letter from the Gineral yesterday,
telling me to cum on to Washington as
soon as steem can bring me; and I'm goin
there like a streek of chain-lightning. I'm
afeard there's more trouble there. That new
dance at Uncle Josh's, and trying on the
Gineral's coat and hat among 'em, has kinder
knock'd noses; and I and the Gineral will
have our hands full to get things to rights,
and rig up a new message for the next Congress.