University of Virginia Library

19. LETTER XIX.

The President's Plan for managing the Bank and the
Country—Hunt for lost Spectacles—How and where
they were found.

I Have always been tellin the Gineral, as
you know, that of all troubles there was none
so tuff to git round as money troubles, and
when such matters git in a snarl it was worse
than tryin to straiten a melitia line arter dinner.
I was always afraid that we was gittin
too many folks to handle the money, and to
be figerin at the 'counts. Ever since I was a
boy I always had a notion that the fewer
hands in countin the better, and the less you
handle money the better, for the more you
handle it, somehow, the less it grows. And
then agin I tell'd the Gineral, over and over
agin, `Don't meddle with the Bank,' says I;
`the money is safe enuff there, and one pocket,'
says I, `Gineral, is better than twenty.' But
you know when I was in New-York with Zekel
Bigelow tryin to find out the cause of

money bein scarce, and when Zekel broke
his watch showin me how the United States
Bank worked among other banks, the folks
somehow got round the Gineral, and the deposits
was removed.

I have been lookin out for trouble ever
since, though I was bound to stick to the Gineral,
right or wrong, as I telled him I would.

Tother day, when we came to that part of
the message where we have to speak of mony
matters, we sent for Mr. Taney, our new Secretary
of the Treasury, to bring in his accounts.
He warn't quite ready, for he ain't
as quick at siferin yet as he will be to rights;
so we waited for him a spell, and left a place
here and there in the message, jest big enuff
to put in figers: and so last night the Gineral
sent agin, and said he must have the 'counts,
`ready or not ready,' and up they came, sure
enuff, and not more than half-cooked; but the
Gineral won't wait for nothin when he's in a
hurry. `Now,' says he, `Major, turn to and
see how they stand with last year.” And so
at it I went, comparin all the amounts of outlays,
the Gineral all the while smokin and
thinkin pretty hard, with his feet up on the
mantle. I figered up the sums pretty quick,

considerin there was a good many on 'em
called estimates; and when I got to the eend
on't, `Now,' says I, `Gineral, you know I tell'd
you that we could git up and put down nullification
in no time—we could turn out a cabinet
and appint other folks—we could send
ministers abroad, and let 'em come home as
soon as they pleased, and send other folks in
their places, and give all full pay too—we
could nock the United States Bank and Squire
Biddle all into splinters—we could let our
folks go on the Ingin lands in one place and
drive them off in other places, and git up an
Ingin War—and appint new officers here
and there—and have new auditers to settle
'counts—and let things go on in the Post
Office and Land Office pretty much to suit the
folks there—and instead of havin one Bank
for our mony, scatter it about among the
banks of our friends. All this we could do,
and have done, and have taken the responsibility
too, and the folks like us the better for
it; but,' says I, `when they come to see what
it all costs there'll be trouble, now I tell you,'
says I.

`Why, Major,' says the Gineral, `what's the
matter? ain't `the Goverment' economical?'

says he: `do you expect to make reforms
without costin somethin? Can you clear up
swamps, and cut ditches, and remove old
stumps without expense?' `Yes,' says I,
`Gineral, that's all true. But, plague on't,'
says I, `it's ben goin on so now nigh upon 5
years; and,' says I, `it keeps costin more and
more, and we are nearer bein swamp'd and
stump'd than ever—here,' says I, `now jest
look and see what `the Government' costs
now, and what it cost when Mr. Adams was
President; and that ain't the worst on't,' says
I, `our money is here, there, and everywhere;
and I don't see how we shall find it when when we
want it.'

As soon as I mention'd the amount of the
sums I had figered up, the Gineral jumps up,
and he did stomp about a spell, I tell you—
he smash'd down his pipe, and it flew into
more than forty pieces—says he, `Major, ain't
you mistaken?' `No,' says I, `thare's no mistake
about me, Gineral.' `Let me see them
accounts,' says he; and he begun to feel for
his spectacles, first in one pocket, and then in
another—for he had no less than 7 pockets
besides his watch fob—and he couldn't find
his spectacles—says he, `Major, have you seen

my spectacles?' `No,' says I, `Gineral, I hain't
—where do you keep 'em?' says I—`Why,'
says he, `I used always to keep 'em in this
side breast-pocket, but I have been so pester'd
lately, I must have chang'd pockets'—`That's
bad,' says I, `Gineral, especially,' says I,
`when one wants any thing in a hurry.
Now,' says I, `I only keep one pocket; and I
got that notion,' says I, `from Squire Biddle,
for he keeps eny most every thing in one
pocket, and he can tell in a minit pretty much
all about eny thing.'

The Gineral kept all the while feelin and
turnin his pockets inside out, but no spectacles.
Says he, `Major, I reckon them 'ere
spectacles are somewhere in one of these
pockets, and I'll find'em,' says he, `if I have to
take my shirt off;' and at it he went, and he
off coat and jacket, and I don't know what all,
and I all the while shakin 'em to find the
spectacles—by-and-by I see a hole in his pantaloons-pocket;
`I'm on track now,' says I,
`Gineral; here's a hole:' and,sure enuff, when
he came to take off his boots, there was his
best gold-rim specs, and all broke to flinders—
and if we hadn't been lookin for 'em, and if I
hadn't seen that'ere hole, you never would say

they ever had been specs, for they were all
jam'd to nothin.

There was a curious notion then jest come
into my head, and I stood stock still, holdin
the Gineral's pantaloons in one hand and his
right boot upside down in tother, and there
lay the specs on the floor (or what there was
left on 'em); and the Gineral stood lookin at
me with eny most nothin on him, and the
Message and the Treasury 'counts and my
slate lay on the table—there warn't a word
said for more than 10 minits—an awful time
to stand so.

So to rights the Gineral he spoke, and says
he, `Major, what are you thinkin on?' `Why,'
says I, `Gineral, I was thinkin,' says I, `if you
had kept your spectacles in your side breast-pocket,
they would be on your nose now; but,'
says I, `that ain't the worst on't, I'm afeard,'
says I, `Gineral, we've got too many pockets
for our money, and when we want it we shall
all have to come to our shirts and boots before
we find it.'

The Gineral got as hornety as all nature at
this; and says he, `Major, I wish now you
was only Calhoun, or Biddle, or Clay, or
M'Duffy, or Don Pedro, or Black Hawk, or

any one but Major Downing—for I feel as if I
should like to give some one a thrashing.'
`Why,' says I, `Gineral, you ain't mad nor
nothin, be you? for I am too,' says I; `and
ev'ry time I look at the 'counts,' says I, `I feel
as if I would like to git hold of some one, and
thrash 'em too,'—and so we stomped about a
spell, cussin and discussin most things, till we
got cool agin—but it was a considerable of a
storm, I tell you.