University of Virginia Library

22. LETTER XXII.

Character of Mr. Clay—Art of War—A pitched and
drawn Battle on the U. S. Bank— Amnesty and Overtures—
Truce—Statu quo ante bellum— A Walk
— A Button off— Tailor's Shop— The Button Scene
— The Major's Success at a new Trade— The Bank
worth a Button.

We have got business enuf now on our
hands, I tell you; and nigh upon every day
we have a squall that brings all hands to the
helm. We have had fair wind so long, that
few on us know exactly how to steer now-a-days,
when every wind comes right in our
teeth. I hain't had my coat off since Congress
met; and the Gineral says we must
watch them fellows closely. `Keep a sharp
look out, Major,' says he, `on Clay—he is a
bold, independent fellow, and will speak out
his notions if the devil stands at the door;
and if he had the people with him,' says the
Gineral, `as I have, there is no tellin what trouble
he would give us. He would make as good

a Gineral as ever was. But it will never do to
trust that man with power.' `Very well,'
says I, `Gineral—but, plague on't,' says I, `the
crittur somehow keeps law on his side all the
while.' `That's true enuf,' says the Gineral,
`and therefore we must keep a sharper eye
on him, and the time is come now, Major,
when we must all on us try our popularity—
for when the law is agin us, we shan't have
nothin else to stand on.—There is nothin,'
says the Gineral, `like war-times, Major—for
then, when these troublesome fellows talk
about law I'd give 'em martial law, and that
makes short work.'

Jest after breakfast yesterday, I and the
Gineral had a high time together. I had ben
expecting every day to see the Bank come out
with a reply; and I tell'd the Gineral, says I,
`Gineral, I'm afraid we'll git a stumper from
Philadelphy one of these days, that will nock
us all into kindlin-wood.' But he kept sayin
there was no fear of that. `Why,' says he,
`Major,' you forgit that we first give the
Bank a most mortal weltin 3 years ago and
left 'em no other defence than to print reports
and speeches; and that show'd they
hadn't much spunk; and we have been criplin

on 'em ever since. And when I see they began
to stagger, I give 'em our hull battery, and
opened upon 'em in flank, front, and rear, our
sharp shooters, headed by that amazin cute
little District Attorney, open'd first on 'em.
Then come my Proclamation—and then my
Message—and then Mr. Tany's report—and
the Globe all the while throwin shells and
rockets. `Why,' says the Gineral, gittin up
and takin his Hickory, and givin it a whack on
the floor—`if the Bank stands all that racket,
Major, it's tuffer than a pepperage log. No,
no, Major,' says the Gineral, `don't you fear
that the Bank will ever say a word in reply—
it's as dead now,' says the Gineral, `as a skin'd
racoon.' And the words warn't out of his
mouth afore in came a hull bundle of letters
and newspapers, and the first thing I see
among 'em was the `Bank reply.' `Now,'
says I, `Gineral, here's trouble!—here's the
very thing,' says I, `I've been afraid on all the
while.' The Gineral laft a spell; and says
he, `Major, suppose you and I now jest take a
bout, and you'll see how easy I can nock that
reply into nothin.' `Well,' says I, `Gineral,
its a bargain.—Now,' says I, `let us sit down,
and you may take,' says I, `the Globe, or our
District Attorney's report, or your Proclamation,
or your Message, or Mr. Tany's report—ary
one on 'em,—or,' says I, `come to think on't, you
may take'em all together,—for they are pretty
much all one—and I'll take this `Bank reply,'
and then let's see what kind of a fight it will
turn out.' `Well,' says the Gineral, `you are
a man of spunk, Major, and I like you for it:
and if I make a prisoner on you, I'll treat you
like a brave soldier.' `And so will I you,
Gineral,' says I, `and if you fall in the fight,'
says I, `Gineral, I'll bury you,' says I, `with
the honors of war;' and then we shook hands.
`Now, Major,' says the Gineral, `as I am to
begin the fight, don't you fire till I fire, and
then we'll go threw, shot by shot.' `Well,'
says I, `I want to know first, if I have a
right to fire back your shot, if they miss me,
and I can pick 'em up?' `O yes,' says the
Gineral, `that's fair in war.' `Use the enemies
shot and shells, and guns too, if you can,
Major,—that's the true art of war.' The
Gineral all the while kept fixing his papers all
in a string on one side the table. He put his
own Messages and Proclamation in the middle,
and flank'd off with our District Attorney
and Mr. Tany's reports; and then he sifted
the Globe about, and call'd them scouts and
foragers—`There,' says he, `Major, I am now
nearly ready;' and he took off his specs,
and gin 'em a good rubbin and put 'em on
agin. `Now, Major,' says he, `take your station.'
And I went round tother side, and sat
down. `Are you ready?' says the Gineral.—
`All ready,' says I—and at it we went. The
Gineral, he open'd his fire first, as agreed; and
he fir'd away from his first Message—And
then his second—then he took the Globe, and
then the reports,—and he blaz'd away like all
wrath, for an hour; and as soon as he stop'd to
take breath—`Now,' says I, `its my time,'—and
I read the reply a spell, and answered all he said
in three minits. And I gin him a look! The
Gineral twisted his face most shockin, and
scratched his head too. But he went at it
agin as spunky as ever; for he is an amazin tuff
crittur in a fight, and hangs on like a snappin
turtle when he gits hold. He banged away
a spell agin like all natur; and jest as he took
his specs off to give 'em a rub, I gin him the
reply agin. The Gineral gin his face another
plagy hard rumple; and I sot waitin for him
to fire agin. Says he, `Major, that's a sharp
piece you are firin with there.' `It's a peeler,'
says I, `Gineral, I tell you—but you hain't
got the best on't yet—it's jest gettin warm,
says I.

`Major,' says the Gineral, `suppose we
change batteries—let me take that reply, and
you take all these documents. I like to fight,'
says the Gineral, `when there is ten to one
agin me.' `So do I,' says I, `Gineral, and so
we'd better fight it out as we sit.'

The Gineral looked a spell at his paper
agin; and, says he, `Major, I reckon we had
better have a truce.' `Not now,' says I, `I've
got my hand in now, and want to see the
fight out.' `Well,' says the Gineral, `you see,
Major, what comes when any one attempts to
drive the executive;' and with that he got
up, and took off his specs, and put 'em in his
pocket, and put on his hat and took his Hickory,
and fetched a whack on the table,—
`Veto,' says he—`That's enuff,' says I, `Gineral.'

`Andnow,' says the Gineral, `let's go and take
a walk'—and so we went. The Gineral didn't
say nothin for more than a mile, and I nother.
So, to rights, says he, `Major, everybody
says money is very scarce.' `That's true enuf,'
says I, `and it's not got as scarce as it will be

afore winter is over;' and then I tell'd the
Gineral the cause on't. `Well,' says the Gineral,
`I believe you are right; and if the
worst comes to the worst,' says he, `we'll
have a new Bank, and that will make money
plenty agin, wont it?' `Yes,' says I, `I suppose
so; but we can't git a new Bank, Gineral,
afore this one's time is out, and that's nigh
three years yet; and long afore that time,'
says I, `there will be trouble enuf, as this one
must all the while be collectin in its own
money; and folks will fail, and be bankrupt;
and then twenty new Banks will do them no
good.' `I don't see that,' says the Gineral. `If
we could make a new Bank now,' says I, `right
off, and let it take up the business of the old
one, it wouldn't make much odds. But the
law won't allow that, you know, Gineral.'
And jest then the Gineral got in a way he has
of twitchin with his suspender buttons behind;
and to rights he broke one off. `There,'
says he, `Major, here is this confounded button
off agin.' `Well,' says I, `that's a small
matter—here is a tailor's shop,—let's go in
and make him put it on—and so in we went.
The tailor happened to be one of our party,
and was tickled to death to see the President,
and thought he was goin to git an office right
off, and was plagily cut down when he come
to find it was ony a button off; and so he
jumped back on his board, and sat down on
his heels agin, and said if the Gineral would
take off his pantaloons, he'd put it on in a
few minutes.—I looked at the Gineral and he
looked at me—and we both looked at the
tailor. `Why,' says the Gineral, `this is the
worst thing, Major, I ever met—I'm stump'd
completely! It will never do to risk walking
home with this button off; for if 'tother
one comes off, it's all over with me; and if I sit
here without my pantaloons till that fellow
puts on a button, I'll kitch my death of cold!
Look here, Major,' says the Gineral, `that other
button is taken all the strain, and it will come
off in less than five minutes—what is to be
done? It seems to me, Major,' said the Gineral,
`that no man is placed so often in such
real trouble as I am.'—`Yes,' says I, `Gineral,
but it's fortunate for you, you always have me
with you.' `I know it, Major,' says he, `and I
hope you will be as true a friend now as ever
you have been.'—And with that, says I to the
tailor, `Can't you fix things now, so as to git
over all this trouble?' `There is only one
way,' says the tailor, `and that I've stated,
and another thing,' says he, `the Gineral
wants a new pair.' `You rascal,' says the
Gineral, `you can't make a better pair, and
one that fits me better, if you try a month—
these pantaloons,' said the Gineral, `are better
than a new pair; and if they only had new
buttons here they would last me to my dying
day.—It takes me weeks and months to git a
pair to sit easy. I won't have a new pair,'
says the Gineral, `that I'm determined on. I
see,' says the Gineral, `what you are after—
you want a new job.'

`Well,' says I, `Gineral, let me try'—and
with that I wax'd a thread, and got a new
button; and whilst the Gineral stood up, I sot
down behind him, and stitched on the button
in three minits—the Gineral all the while shakin
his hickory at the tailor, and tellin him
that he had no more brains in his head than
he had in his thimble.—`You are a pritty fellow
to belong to my party,' says he; `I should
have been soon in a pritty condition, if I had
taken your advice,' says the Gineral. `Let me
ever ketch you at the White House agin.' So
to rights, the tailor got mad too, and said he
didn't belong to the Gineral's party—he was

a Tany-Kindle-Van-Buren-Jackson-man; he
knew which side his bread was butter'd; and
he looked plagey knowin too—it was jest as
much as I could do to keep the Gineral from
smashin him—so says I, `Come, Gineral, let's
be movin;' and we went home—the Gineral
all the while talkin about his escape from an
awful state that tailor was about getting him
in.—`Well,' says I, `Gineral, little things
sometimes give us a kink and a notion of bigger
ones; and now,' says I, `do you know,
Gineral, we are in a scrape now, pretty much
like that one we jest got out on.' `How so?'
says the Gineral. `Why,' says I, `the Bank,
there it is,' says I, `jest like your pantaloons,
better than new; and only wants a new button;
and some of these ere political tailors about us
here want us to sit shiverin and shakin, and
runnin the risk of gettin a rheumatiz that will
last us our lives, jest for them to get the job
of makin a new one.'

`And now,' says I, `I guess you and I had
better disappoint 'em, as we did the tailor jest
now—stitch on a new button, and things will
go smooth agin.' The Gineral didn't say a
word; but he got thinkin plagey hard, till we
got home agin, and he got his pipe, and I got

mine, and jest as we were lighten 'em, says
he, `Major, there are some fellows about us
here that pester me most desperately—we
must all go as a `Unit,' or I must blow 'em
all up, and git a new set. We'll think of it.'
said the Gineral, and with that we cock'd our
feet on the mantle-tree, and in less than five
minutes you couldn't see no more on us than
our toes.