University of Virginia Library

2. LETTER II.

Dear Sir,—This is going to be rather a
lengthy letter. We've had real times. I begun
to feel pretty streaked for our folks when
I see what was done on Boston Common, and
over there to little Cambridge. I told you I
was going on here to get things to rights; and
when I got here, I found'em in a terrible taken
about that crowner's lie down in York Bay.
There was nothin at all goin on.

I went full drive down to the meetin-house,
and got hold of the rope, and pull'd away like
smoke, and made the old bell turn clean over.
The folks come up thick enough then to see
what was to pay, and filled the old tabernacle
chock full, and there was more outside than
you could count. `Now,' says I, `I spose you
think there's going to be preaching here to-day,
but that is not the business. The Gineral
is comin.' That was enough—`Now,'
says I, `be spry. I tell'd the Gineral last

winter he'd see nothing till he got down here,
and if we don't make him stare then there's
no snakes. Where's Captain Finny?' says I.
`Here I be,' says he; and there he was, sure
enough: the crittur had just come out of his
bush-pasture, and had his bush-hook with him.
Says I, `Captain Finny, you are to be the
marshal of the day.' Upon that he jumps
right on eend. `Now,' says I, `where is Seth
Sprague, the schoolmaster?' `Here I be,'
says he; and there he stood with his pitch-pipe
up in the gallery, just as if I was going
to give out the salm for him. `You just pocket
your pitch-pipe,' says I, `Seth, and brush up
your larnin, for we have pitched on you to
write the address.'—`Why, Major,' says Zekiel
Bigelow, `I thought I was to do that, and I've
got one already.' `But,' says I, `you don't
know nothing about Latin; the Gineral
can't stomack any thing now without its got
Latin in it, ever since they made a Doctor on
him down there to Cambridge t'other day;
but howsever,' says I, `you shall give the address
after all, only just let Seth stick a little
Hog-latin into it here and there. And now,'
says I, `all on you be spry, and don't stop
stirrin till the pudden's done.'

Then they begun to hunt for hats, and
down the gallery-stairs they went. And if
there'd been forty thanksgivens and independence
days comin in a string, I don't believe
there could be more racket than there
was in Downingville that afternoon and night.

By ten o'clock next morning all was ready.
I had 'em all stationed, and I went out and
come back three or four times across the brook
by the potash, to try'em. I got a white hat
on, and shag-bark stick, put some flour on my
head, and got on to my sorrel horse, and
looked just as much like the old gentleman as
I could. Arter tryin them two or three times,
I got'em all as limber as a with, and the last
time I tried'em, you've no idee, it went off just
as slick as ile.

`Now,' says I, `tenshon the hull! Stand
at ease till you see me again;' and then I
streaked it down to old Miss Crane's tavern,
about two miles off, and waited till the Gineral
come along; and afore I had mixed a
second glass of switchel up they came, and
the Gineral looked as chirk and lively as a
skipper.

`Now,' says I, `Gineral, we are going right
into Downingville, and no man here is to give

any orders but myself,' and I said this loud
enough for Mr. Van Buren and Governor
Woodbury and all on 'em to hear me, and
they were all as hush arter that as cows in a
clover-lot. Then we all mounted, and on we
went—I and the Gineral a leetle a-head on
'em. And when we crossed the brook, says I,
`don't be afeard of the string-pieces here, Gineral—we
aint in York now.' `I'll follow you,
Major,' says he, `through thick and thin—I
feel safe here.'

Jest as we got on the nole on tother side the
brook, we come in sight of Downingville.
The Gineral riz right up in his stirrups, and
pointed with his hickory, and says he, `Major,
that's Downingville.' Says I, `that's true
enuf, and I should like to hear any one say it
aint,' says I—`for the sight on't makes me
crawl all over, and whenever I hear any one
say one word agin it, I feel as tho' I could
take him, as I have done streaked snakes, by
the tail, and snap his head off.' `Why,' says
the Gineral, `I knew that was Downingville
as soon as my eye caught a glimpse on't. I'd
go,' says he, `Major, east of sunrise any day
to see sich a place.' The Gineral was tickled
to pieces, and I thought I should go myself

right through my shirt-collar—for, you see,
the Gineral never see sich a sight afore.

Seth Sprague had put the children all on
the school-house—you couldn't see an atom
of the roof—with green boughs, and singing
a set piece he had made; and when I and the
Gineral passed by they made it all ring agin,
I tell you; whether it was his facing the sun
or what, but he looked as if he was e'eny jist
a going to cry (for he is a mazin tender-hearted
crittur). Jist then Sargent Joel, who had
charge of the field-piece in front of the meetin-house,
touched her off; and didn't she speak!
This composed the Gineral in a minute—says
he, `Major, I shouldn't want nothing better
than a dozen of them guns to change the
boundry-line along here jest to suit you—but
look, Major, what on earth has got into Mr.
Van Buren's horse?' Sure enough, Sargent
Joel had put in a leetle too much waddin, if
any thing, and Enoch Bissel, as sly as a
weasel, slipped in a swad of grass, that hit
Mr. Van Buren's horse, and set him capering
till he kinder flung him. I was as wrathy as
murder; says I, `where is he?' and I arter
him full split—he was clippin it across the
orchard, so that you might put an egg on his

coat-flap, and it wouldn't role off. I streaked
it round the corner of the stone-fence to head
him—but afore I got to him he ketched Mr.
Van Buren's horse, and was clearing out of
the country—and afore this he is slick enough
in the Province.

They tell different stories about it, but Deacon
Willoby saw the hull on it, and he says
Mr. Van Buren hung on like a lamper-eel, till
he was kinder jerked up like a trounced toad,
and he came down on the horse's rump jist
as he kicked up behind, and that sent him
clean over the fence into the Deacon's potato-patch.
He turned over so fast in the air you
could not tell one end from tother; but his feet
struck first, and he stood there, the Deacon
says, and made as handsome a bow to the folks
as if nothing on earth had happened to him.

The review of Captain Finny's company
did take the shine off them are Boston and
Salem sogers, I tell you; but they was all so
keen arter the Gineral that all I and Captain
Finny could do, we couldn't keep the line
strait; and they all got into such a snarl, that
you might as well try to straiten a sheep's
wool.

The bell was ringing all the while; two

people was up there with stone hammers
poundin on her, caze Uncle Josh had gone
and took the bell-rope, and tied on eend on't
to the steeple, and carried the tother eend
over to the Deacon's chimbly, more than
twelve rods off; and every inch on't was
hung full of flags, and where there wa'n't no
flags, he had got all the cloth out of the
fullin-mill; and the gals and Downingville
boys had gin all their handkerchers, and
gowns, and flannel shirts, and it was so high
up, and the wind kinder shook'em all together
so you couldn't tell a checked shirt from an
old Continental. The Gineral was tickled
half to death; says he, `Major, that looks
about right.' `It does so,' says I; `Gineral,
if that ain't union, I don't know.' He's as
keen as a brier to catch any thing cunnin;
he don't care where he is, he snorts right out.

As soon as we got down to the meetin-house
door, Zekil Bigelow gin the address; it
was stuck full of Latin words here and there,
like burs in a stray sheep's fleece. Zekil is a
knowin cretur: he keeps a packin-yard, and
salts down more fish than any man in three
counties round: he don't know so much about
Latin as some folks, but he did get along with

his address most curious. He thank'd the
Gineral for comin to Downingville in the first
place, and then he thank'd him for his proclamation,
and for presarvin the Union, and
threw in the salt, and the nitre, and pickle,
and when he come to talk of the nullifiers,
he cut and shaved, and made the scales fly, I tell
you. Every hair on the Gineral's head stood
strait on eend. And there stood that cretur
Zekiel right afore him, talking like a book,
and his head was as smooth, and every hair
on it slicked down with a dipped candle; and
that are kew of his wo'd tell the folks behind
which way his eye turned jest as well as
though they was lookin strait in his face—
caze it kinder lodged on his collar, and every
time he looked up, it would stand still a minet,
and point right strait up in the air.

Then cum the Gineral's turn,—his heart
was so full, he could but jest speak, and I was
jist agoin to begin for him, when out he
came:—

`My friends,' says he, `though I tell'd 'em
down south my father was an Irishman, and
my mother, too, I am as clear a Yankee (and
he turned, and lookin round him, slap'd his
hand on my shoulder), as the Major himself,'

says he, `and he knows it.' `So I do,' says I,
`Gineral, I tell'd 'em all so often enough.' `I
will presarve the Union, I'll be hang'd and
choak'd to death if I don't; and when I want
pickle I know where to find it. I am glad to
hear you say that salt petre once in a while
is good—I always thought so—and if the
Constitution spiles in my hands for the want
of it, I wont stand another election.' Here
the Gineral was goin to stop, but, says I, in
his ear, `You must give 'em a little Latin,
Doctor.' Here he off hat agin—`E pluribus
unum,' says he, `my friends, sine qua non.'
`That'll do, Gineral,' says I; and then we
turn'd to, and shook all the folks round till
dinner time, and then we made the bake
beans and salt pork fly, and the cider too, I
tell you. The folks hadn't eat nothin since
I got on to the ground. Arter dinner I tell'd
the Gineral about that are blasted rascal,
Enoch Bissel, who tucked in the grass waddin.
`That's the same fellow,' says I, `Major
Barry turn'd out of the Post Office. I knew
he was a scamp, and if he wasn't then, he is
now.' `Why, Major,' says the Gineral, `it was
jest so with that infernal rascal Randolf; if
he didn't desarve what I gin him afore he
attacked me, he sartinly did afterwards, and
where's the odds?' `Plaguey little,' says I,
`Gineral.'

To-night we're goin to a quiltin at Uncle
Josh's. Miss Willoby, the Deacon's eldest
darter, is sprucin up for it. She is rather too
old to be handsome, but she is a keen cretur.
The Gineral and Mr. Van Buren both talk about
her considerable. If the Gineral don't keep
a sharp look out, Mr. Van Buren will go clean
ahead on him on that tack; for he is the perlitest
cretur amongst the women you ever
see. The Gineral says he must have some
of our Yankee gals in the cabinet next winter,
and I kinder have a notion there will be some
hitchin teems doune here abouts afore we
quit.

We shall go strait from here to Saratogue,
and wash inside and out there. I expect
we shall all need washin afore we get
there.

This is the longest letter I ever writ in all
my life, but I'm to hum now. It would cost
you a good many of your odd ninepenses, I
guess, to pay the postage, if it want for the
President—he franks all my letters—and that
aint what he does for most folks.

I may tell you about the quiltin frolic to-night,
in my next, but I wont promise; for I
have jest as much as I can do here, to do all
the chores for the Gineral, and write near
about fifty letters a day for him.