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Again and again I have thought of your request and my promise
to you when leaving your house; but it seems only to defer
as often its fulfillment. I have many apologies to offer for my
neglected duty, but the most weighty of all is my bodily sufferings,
with those feelings of desperation to which I have so long
been a victim. I sometimes think I feel worse than I did-even
when I would have cast from me the children that God has given me.
How strange it is that I cannot be rid of this awful distress of
mind. I know that disease is at the bottom of it all, or I am sure
my reason would be gone. I try to submit-to bear patiently that
which the Lord sees fit to send upon me, but I often have great
want of faith, sometimes feel there is no interest for me in the
Saviour of mankind. Yet I cannot let go entirely, a faint, glimmering
hope still keeps my head above the waters. I know that the most
heinous of all sins is to doubt the willingness & ability of God
my Saviour to save me, tho' the chief of sinners. Still my heart
is so prone to unbelief. My dear sister may I ask you to pray for
me-Oh pray earnestly that in my nakedness & utter helplesness I
may so approach my Saviour that he will give me pardon & peace, &
joy in believing. I would not trouble you with my sorrows, did I
not know that you would extend me sympathy, & bear me up at the
Throne of grace which in some measure relieves my heart. Oh I
have been a great sinner, but to save sinners was Christ's mission
on earth, and oh that I may be enabled to flee unto him, & bring
glory & honour to his most worthy name.
I have suffered much with my back and bowels since my visit
to you. I cant bear much exercise you know, & I walked rather much
when visiting my friends in Charlottesville & shopping. I have despaired
ever recovering. My eyes too are very weak, & I find it very
difficult to do the necessary work for myself and my poor dear
children. I am teaching Lutie a little. She is do full of life &
fun that 'tis not an easy task. She is now learning the 4th lesson
in Worcester's primmer. Minnie I think is doing something better.
She is now reading the New Testament regularly through-spelling,
doing a little at arithmetic & is getting on very well in Geography.
Lucy I hope will de better after a while. How is George getting
on with his school? I often think of him when teaching my charge. I
hope he gets on with but little trouble now-a-days.
What a fall of snow, or rather what falls of snow we have
had. I have no recollection of seeing it of such a depth. The poor
of the land must suffer for want of fire, if not for food. Carrie
I suppose is still with you. When does she think of going home? If
not soon I hope to see her again. I shall have to go down to get
Dr. Wise to fix my teeth, & would be glad to have her with me.
From what I have heard of Bro's purchase you must be pleased
with it; I am sorry that you go farther from us, but the distance
is not very great. You will have a very nice home & I hope that
Brother will be successful in his undertaking.
Maria & Mary with their families are well I hope. My love to
each one of them, & to Bro., Carrie, George, the Rosalies & Edward
& all the boys. The children send love to all.
time. Have you heard from over the mountains lately? I
have not heard the first of December.
Friday morning. I am feeling very badly; but expect to go
to Mr. Chapman's tomorrow. I will be glad to hear from you
very soon.
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