80. LXXX.
ON LECTURES.
I take my pen in hand, to inform you, that i am in
the Lekturing bizzness. I have jined the army ov
martyrs, and am having a healthy time. I lektured
laste nite, tew a flooded house. Had a revival, evry
fu minnits, it would hav did yu good, tew hear the people
holler. The way things look now, i think i shall
be able tew retire from private life, in a fu months,
and keep 3 or 4 dogs, and a fish pond. Yesterday, i
reseaved a dunnin letter, from mi fashionable tailor,
for a coat, that has bin wore out, more than 2 years.
I replied tew the limited cuss, briefly, as follers:
“Dear sur — Enklozed, pleze find 20 dollars — if
yu can. Yures, sum, Josh Billings.
I thought i would try a tragik lektur at fust, but
tragediz are gitting so common, now a daze, that yu
kan git them done, and warrented, for 25 dollars.
Mi Lektur is the normal comick, with an okasional
effort tew be witty.
I hope you are well, and hav a good appetight.
Remember me kindly tew Reub Fenton, when yu see
him.— I also reseaved 2 letters bi to daez male,
which i will let yu answer for me, thru yure valuable
collums.— One ov them is from an individoal, who
sines his name “Hennery,” and tuther is from a person
bi the name ov “Mirakle.”
Hennery: — The best time tew sett a hen, is when
the hen is reddy. I kant tell you what the best
breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts
as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and
yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by
running oats thru it. Thare aint no proffitt in keeping
a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the
thrut disseaze, — thare is a grate menny goes tew pot,
evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze. I kant tell
exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a genral
thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest up tew
skratch up the garden. Eggs packed in eqnal parts
ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down,
will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpoze
4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need,
at fust along. I shall be happee tew advise with yu,
at enny time, on the hen question, and — take it in
egg.
Mirakle: — Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle
ov the whale, that swallered Joner. I dont serpoze
that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood
it themselfs. I hav thought that it was eazyer for
the whale tew swaller Joner, than it was for the outsiders,
tew swaller the mirakel. I kant tell yu what
Joner did while in the whale's sosiety; but i kno what
a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder
on the animal, and run him into port, and either
klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse
tew a petroleum grease company.
