University of Virginia Library

27. XXVII.

THE speculashen in wool, into wich the Dimocrisy
uv the South embarkt some months ago,
hez, I regret to say, resulted disastrously. The
nigger ain't fitted for co-operashen with the Dimocrisy.
Instid uv hangin onto us like the ivy onto the
oak, he diskivered that, in the South at least, he
wuz really the oak and we the ivy; instid uv lookin
up to us, he contracted a disagreeable habit uv
lookin down onto us. There wuz other reasons
why he coodent be made available for our uses, and,
therefore, it wuz decided to go back onto the Afrikin,
and to agin attempt his reduckshen to ez near his

normal speer ez the abnormal condishn uv the times
wood admit. The directers uv the college met and
changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the
“Southern Military & Classikle Institoot,” and the
Corners wuz itself agin.

Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years hed bin
lifted off him. “How pleasant 'tis,” sed he, “to
walk erect agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass
em ez tho they wuz niggers! O, ef I cood only
wallop one wunst more, methinks I cood die
happy!”

We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger
question, wich wood hev resultid in great good, and
hed a powerful inflooence towards strenghtenin the
hands uv our brethren in the North, who are fightin
the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed it not bin for that
irritashen, Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler. I
hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with
much effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quotashen
from Agassiz, which demonstrated the radicle
difference there is atween the Afrikin and the
proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv his
heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so
forth, that the nigger wuz totally unfit to exercise
the rites uv free men. I wuz applauded vociferously,
and by none more than Pollock and Joe Bigler.

Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the perspirashen
from my classikle brow, feelin that I hed
settled that question, Pollock riz, and desired to say
a few words, and make a suggestion. Sed he, —

“I hev listened with interest to the elokent speeker,
and am happy to say I hev learned fax wich is
new to me. Ef I hev ever doubted the inferiority
uv the nigger, them doubts are removed, pervidin
alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is troo, uv
wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker
is a suffishent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever
he sez.”

I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom
sich compliments wuz a every-day affair, wich they
ain't, by no means; on the contrary, quite the reverse.

“But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen
uv the most obtoose. I want rite here a measurement
uv the average Afrikin and the average white
man, that all the world may know the diffrence. I
move that it be did.”

I acceded. “Let it be done,” sed I, “that the
vexed question may be settled forever.”

Sevral niggers were askt to submit to the measurement,
but all refused. Finally Joe Bigler sed
he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich wunst

belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience.
“Napoleon,” sed he, “will yoo contribbit yoorself
to the great science uv ethnology? Ain't yoo willin
to let us yoose yoo a while to demonstrate the grate
and growin trooth, that yoor grandfather wuz a
monkey? Step up, Napoleon.”

Napoleon, nothing dasht, stept up, and Pollock,
Bascom, Bigler, and I measured him, with the followin
result: —

                   

Heighth	5 feet 8 inches.
Weight	150 lbs averdupoise.
Length uv foot	12 inches.
Breadth uv foot	5 inches.
Length uv hand	8½ inches.
Breadth uv hand	4 inches.
Length uv forearm	11 inches.
Length uv bone from ankle to knee	6 inches.
Projeckshun uv heel	4 inches.
Capassity uv skull, wich, bein the top or cap uv the vertebral column, so to speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a trooly scientific Greek, and Hon. Wm. Mungen, uv Ohio, a very important bone for pretty much all uv the races, 66 cubic inches.

“Now,” sed Pollock, “let us examine in the
same way a avrage specimen uv the Caucashen race,
ez he is found in this delectable spot. Will Issaker
Gavitt be good enuff to step forrerd? I perpose
to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the Caucashen

with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie. Step up,
Issaker.”

And Issaker stept up, and wuz measured, with the
follerin result: —

                   

Heighth	5 feet 8 inches.
Weight	150 lbs.
Length uv hand	7½ inches.
Breadth uv hand	3½ inches.
Length uv foot	11 inches.
Breadth uv foot	4½ inches.
Projeckshen uv heel	1½ inches.
Length uv forearm	10 inches.
Length uv bone from ankle to knee	15 inches.
Capassity uv skull	97 cubic inches.

Pollock wuz delited! “Here,” sed he, “it is in
a nut-shell. Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more narrer
hand, a shorter and narrerer foot, and his heel
projecks less than the nigger's by 2½ inches! Good
Lord, how I hev bin deseeved! Wat errors I hev
bin nussin! How kin a human bein hev intelleck
whose heel projecks four inches? How rejoict am
I that I am at last set rite on these important
pints!”

I smiled beninantly onto him.

Bigler riz. “I, too,” sed he, “am satisfied that
the nigger is not wat we, who wuz disposed to consider
him fit to exercise rites, supposed him to be.

I held firm when the measurement uv his hands
and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered
me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose
leg isn't set in his foot better than that. I shel persoo
this investigashen. Hevin now a startin-pint, —
a heel, ez I may say, to stand on, — I shel go on to
prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With that heel
for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, proceed
to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry
confooshen into Boston. I shel assoom that Napoleon
is a average specimen uv the lower, or unintellectooal
Afriken type. Is it so?”

“It is! It is!” yelled we all, delited at the happy
turn the thing wuz takin.

“I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a
avrage uv the higher or intellectooal Caucashen
type. Is it so?”

“Certinly! Certinly!”

“Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets! Napoleon,
kin yoo read?”

I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin
hastily, protestid that the examinashen hed bin carried
far enuff, and so did Deekin Pogram; but Bigler
swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with
shame, and I sot down paralyzed.

“Kin yoo read, Napoleon?”

“Yes, sah!”

“Read this, then,” sed Bigler, handin him a
noosepaper.

The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England
skool marm, wich well he mite, ez he learned it
from one uv em.

“Kin yoo write?”

“Certinly;” and takin a pencil he writ half uv
the Declarashen uv Independence.

“Set down, Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor
heels is so long; otherwise yood be credited with
hevin intellek. Now Issaker, my bold Caucashen,
kin yoo read?”

“I protest!” shreeked I, in agony. “Issaker
don't answer the skoffer at ethnology!”

But Issaker, ez white ez a sheet, and tremblin
under the eye uv Bigler, who knowd him from
infancy, stuttered out, “No!”

“Kin you rite, my gay desendant uv the sooperior
race?”

And, still under the inflooence uv Bigler's eye,
he answerd, “No!”

“Kin yoo cipher?”

“What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when
the old man alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin?”

“Set down, Issaker. We're done with you.

There's an error sumwher. The nigger's capassity
uv skull is less by sevral cubic inches, but he seems
to hev made a lively yoose uv wat he hez. But it's
all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and the nigger
shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualificashen
for votin down here, any way. Possibly the
seat uv the intellek is in the heel insted uv the
brain, wich accounts for the nigger's hevin the most
uv it.”

And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present,
left the meetin-house, laffin uproarously, and throwin
all sorts uv adoos back to us.

I doubt whether the result uv the investigashen
will help our friends North. The fact is, it wuz
overdone. It wuz carried too fur. There is a pint
at wich facts ought to stop — Dimekratic facts in
partikeler. In this instance, the investigashen shood
never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it stopt
there, we wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the
radical pint, Bigler and Pollock took it, the foundashen
we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin.
Wood, oh! wood that we wuz rid uv these jeerin
fanatics.