University of Virginia Library

30. XXX.

I WUZ a settin all so pleasant in the Post Offis
last nite, a musin onto the mutability uv human
affairs, when I received the follerin despatch, per
boy on a mule, from the stashen: —

Wat a thrill run thro me ez I red this! I never
felt so good but wunst before in my life. I wuz in

an inteerior town in Massachusetts four days, wher
the most stimulatin bevrage wuz root beer. The
occasion when I felt better than I did on the receet
uv that despatch wuz the identikle minit I struck
Noo York and stood afore a bar. O, wat a pleasin,
soothin, magnetic thrill run thro my veins ez the
golden likquid gurgled down my esoffagus! Jest
so I thrilled at reedin that despatch. My thot-contracted
brow smoothed agin, the wrinkles of care
left my face, and I wuz a boy wunst more!

I left immejitly, and after a pleasant journey
reached Noo Orleens.

I hed no trouble in finding them to whom I wuz
accredited. If there's a divinity wich doth hedge
a king, ther must be suthin also in the face uv a troo
Dimekrat wich betrays him. I wuz follered to my
hotel by a crowd uv the first men uv the city, and
when they saw my name onto the register, the
scene wuz terrific. They knowd me! they knowd
my comin wuzn't for nothin, and afore I hed time
to say nay, I wuz hurried to the “Lost Coz” Club
Rooms, and made an onorary member for life, incloodin
the freedom uv the bar, wich privilege I
prized.

“Wat nooze from Washinton?” shouted they all
with one akkord.

“Calm yourselves!” sed I, impressively, “and
restrane yoor emoshens. Four days ago I receeved
this,” and I read 'em the dispatch. Never shel I
witnis anuther sich a sceen. Old men danced like
yooth, while young men wept like wimmen.

“Excoose us, sir,” sed one; “this weepin is onmanly,
but ah, did yoo know wat I hev suffered!
Sence last Joon, a year, I hevn't killed a nigger nor
a preecher, and hev only knocked two uv 'em down,
and for them two I wuz imprisoned three months
each. But, thank God, I'm free agin — I'm free!”
and he fell onto my neck, and askt me to take a drink
with him, which, fearin the effex uv irritashen on
him, in his present eggsitable state uv mind, I did.

I wuz askt ef I hed ever bin in Noo Orleens, and,
on sayin that I hedn't, my friend accompanied me
to the many objeks uv interest in the city.

“Here,” sed he, “is the buildins in wich Beast
Butler receeved the surrender uv the city, and where
he signed the order for the hangin uv Mumford.
Subsekently, in this same room, the tother beast,
Sheridan, took his orders from Mayor Monro and
Abell. Ha! ha! 'twuz retribushen,” and he smiled
grimly several minits. “Here is the hall where
Dostie and his Ablishn hordes gathered over a year
ago, and from wich Dostie wuz carried a corpse.

At that angle in the bildin I, with this good rite
hand, slew three niggers and a Burow preecher.
Right here, where we are standin, a cart containin
the killed came along. I wuz eggsited and infuriated
at their obstinacy in holdin the Convenshen.
In my revolver there wuz one load — in the cart
under the corpses wuz a nigger, groanin. I mounted
the cart, and turned over the corpses — the wounded
nigger had on a bloo cote — inflamed with rage at
the site I pulled the trigger, and he groaned no
more.”

“Glorious sperit!” sed I, in eggstacy, wringin
his hand.

“Just in front uv wher we stand thirty odd niggers
wuz killed, and one or two uv them Burow
teachers. It don't become me to say how many I
killed, but I wan't idle. In three weeks thereafter I
received my pardon from the President, and am
now, thank God, a citizen.”

By this time we reached the Club again, and for
hours I listened to tales of oppression on the part
of the military satraps, wich made my blood run
cold. A citizen hed shot a nigger — and forthwith
he wuz torn from the buzzum uv his family and inkarserated
in the common prizen! Another's wife
hed throwd a buckit uv bilin water over a wench in

the street, uv wich the perverse creacher died, and
she, too, wuz arrested. Policemen hed bin discharged
for refoosin to arrest men whose spirits
coodent brook nigger ekality, and who hed banged
em about somewhat; and others had bin dismisst
for hurrahin for Jeff Davis and pullin down Fedral
flags. Ther hed bin no liberty uv speech nor ackshen.
This Club Room hed bin invaded, and pistols
and shot guns hed bin taken out by these despots,
wich wuz a grindin the citizens into the dust. But
the most oppressive case wuz that uv one uv our
first citizens, who hed a girl in his family who wood
persist in attendin skools after he hed postively forbid
her doin so. He tied her up, and in the most
patriarchal manner gave her one hundred and fourteen
lashes. She wuz obstinit and died. He gave
her a Chrischen berriel, but nevertheless he wuz
pulled up, and fined and imprizened! Fined and
imprizend for wallopin a nigger!

Then biznis commenced. Lists were bein made
out, the purport uv wich I comprehendid. “Enter
up,” sed one, oilin a revolver, “the nest uv niggers
on the alley jist around the corner from my house.
They hev ther a chapel, in wich they hev preechin
Sundays, and skools doorin the week. Aside from
the annoyance it is to my family, it's really dangerous.

Two hundred nigger children attend it, beside the
adult nigger classes.”

“Enter up,” sed another, cleanin out a shot-gun,
“a grocer on the same street. He is from Iowa,
and teaches a Sunday skool class in that same
chapel. Sich incendiaries we kin never tolerate.” —
“There's a nigger church two squares from me wich
must be abated,” sed another; “and, by the way,
a agent uv the nigger missionary sosiety and two
teachers from Connecticut boards next door. Put
em down.” — “In my part uv the city,” sed another,
“there's four nigger draymen who hev bin suffishently
impudent to scrape together enuff to buy ground
and build em houses. Don't forget to put em down
— don't. They are niggers and hev houses. I,” he
added, bitterly, “I am a white man, and hev
none. Put em down. When Sheridan goes!
ha! ha!”

And so on. The sekretary entered the names ez
fast ez they wuz furnisht him, until the name uv
every man suspectid uv Yankee perclivities wuz
registered. The niggers wuz not put down, 'ceptin
them uv sich prominence ez they desired to make
shoor uv. It is considered entirely safe to kill a nigger
anywhere. Sum uv em desired to make excepshuns
in favor uv certin niggers who cood be dependid

upon ez troo. One uv em kep a keno,
and t'other a faro bank. But they wuz rooled out.
The niggers, it wuz desided, wuzn't to be trustid.
Their impudence, in persumin to keep faro banks,
was friteful.

The next day, brite and early, I wuz at the Club,
when I receeved another despatch. The members
flockt around me. “Is is done?” shreekt they.
“Is Stanton out?”

“He is,” sed I, slowly, “he is, but — ”

“But what? Oh, releeve our suspense!”

“But Grant is in!” returned I, droppin the message,
and sinkin on a sofa in a brown study. But
they wuz delited.

“It's better than we hoped,” sed they. “Grant
hez come over at last. Bless the Lord! His name
will give the administration strength.” They cheerd
like loonatics.

Finally, one mornin I got a despatch that Sheridan
wood be releeved that day, and the enthoosiasm
biled up agin — this time I shared in it, for I felt
that that wuz trooly suthin. It wuz impossible to
restrane the gentle lambs uv the Club any longer.
Ez a sort of a lunch, preceding the feast that wuz
to come, they sallied out and made it lively for sich
niggers ez they cood git safely near to. At noon

the next dispatch came to me. The entire membership
uv the Club wuz gathered around, impashent
to hear me sound the glad tidins over Egypt's dark
sea. I broke the seal.

“Sheridan is removed this day! —”

“Ror! Ror! Ror!” cheered the Club.

“And Thomas is appinted in his place!”

So read the despatch. There wuz nary a cheer
follered it. The most death-like silence pervaded
the rooms. One by one the members skulked out
to settle with the niggers whose heds they hed bustid
in the mornin, and to ashoor em it wuz all a joke.
The lists wuz destroyed, and the revolvers and shotguns
wuz all packed away. At a meetin held immejitly,
the follerin resolooshens wuz passed: —

“Resolved, That it is possible for men whose
faith is bigger nor a grain uv mustard seed, to
hev confidence in President Johnson, but ourn is
gin out.

“Resolved, That we asked him for bread, and he
give us a stone; we asked him for an egg, and he
give us a scorpion.

“Resolved, That a committee uv two be appointed
to toss up for the difference between Sheridan
and Thomas, and another to figger up wherein we

are better off under Grant than we wuz under
Stanton.

“Resolved, That the President, in awakenin
hopes only to dash em to the ground, is guilty
uv a crooel disregard uv our feelins.

“Resolved, That if he is ever goin to do anything
for us, why don't he do it? and —”

At this pint another despatch came. I was too
much affected to read it, and I passt it to the President.
“Hell!” sed he. “Gentle sirs, hunt yer
holes. Thomas is sick and won't come, and Sheridan
is goin to stay after all.”

Concludin that my offishel duties prevented me
from makin a longer stay in Noo Orleans, I hastened
North agin with all speed. Jest ez I wuz
leavin the city I got another despatch, statin that
Hancock wuz appinted to Sheridan's place. I
didn't consider the nooze suffishently cheerin to
indoose me to go back agin. I feel that men uv
my opinions is safer in Kentucky than any where
else. Kentucky didn't secede, and therefore within
her borders secesshenists are safe. Thank the Lord
for Kentucky.

They don't do Johnson justice down there, tho.
He wood help em if he cood, but he can't. Congris

tied his hands. He kin appint this man or
that man, but both this man and that man are
bound to execoot the law. Wat kin the President
do?