University of Virginia Library

28. XXVIII.

LAST nite there wuz a convocashen uv the
saints connected with the Institoot (uv wich
Deekin Pogram is the cheefest and lovelist among
ten thousand), to take sweet counsel together onto
sevral matters connected with the institooshen uv
learnin, the success uv wich is so dear to all uv us.
The conversashen happenin to turn upon the conferrin
uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram sed that
he hed a suggestion to make. He hed notist that all
the leadin colleges uv the country hed a practis uv
conferrin titles, sich as “M. D.,” “A. B.,” “LL.D.,”
and sich, onto distinguished men, though he wuz

free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they
meant, or wat they wuz good for; but he hed notist
in a noospaper that no college hed yet conferred any
sich onto Androo Johnson. Considerin it a burnin
shame, he wood sejest that as a rebook to the hidebound
institooshens uv the North, this college do
to-wunst confer all uv em, and ez meny more ez
there is, onto Mr. Johnson. Bascom remarkt that
he didn't kno whether the President wood feel complimentid.
“You kno, Deekin,” sed he, “that this
ain't much uv a college.”

“Troo,” sed the blessid old peece uv innosence,
“troo, troo; but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't
much of a President, you kno.”

And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and
notis thereof wuz sent him immejitly. From this
the question uv the next nominee uv the party for
President came up. Bascom, who isn't a far-seein
man, asserted that it wood be necessary to nominate
Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought it
wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He
didn't bleeve, in the first place, that it become a
Peace party, or at least a party wich, ef it dipped
its hands in gore at all, did it mostly in Northern
gore, to take up a Northern General, wich had dun
his best towards sendin many thousands of Southners

to their long homes; and besides, the General
wouldn't take it.

Bascom wanted to know what the conference at
Long Branch meant? Ef General Grant wuz in
the control uv Weed, Raymond, and the Noo York
Herald, wich wuz ekal to the World, the Flesh, and
the Devil, he felt that he hed trooly found the broad,
macadamized road to Democrisy. He begun to hev
hopes uv him. Various opinions wuz expressed by
various persons, when, without comin to any conclusion,
we separatid. I retired that nite earlier
than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my
continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell
into a troubled sleep and dreamed a dream.

Methawt gathered in front uv the White House
wuz a galliant array uv our friends. There wuz
Franklin Peerce, and Bookanan, and Vallandigum,
and the Woods, and Magoffin, and Monroe, and
Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the
Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at
the White House, and wonderin how and by what
means they cood git in. Johnson, blessins on his
head, stood onto the portico wavin to 'em to come,
but alass! guardin the passage stood a mighty host
uv Ablishnists, armed and clad in armor, and in
such force ez to make the stormin uv it hopelis.

“How shall we get in?” sighed Belmont.

“Ah, indeed, how?” ansered Henry Clay Dean.

“That's the great moral question — how?” ekoed
Ben. Wood.

“My friend,” sed Thurlow Weed, “its easy enuff.
When you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the
snake. Sorein is preferable, but crawlin will do at
a pinch. Is there not the Lion uv the Republic?
Can't you git him out and mount him? The Ablishnists
hev a regard for that same Lion, and will
never discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his
back, for fear uv killin him. Besides, yoor ridin
him will in some degree doo away with the prejoodis
they hev agin yoo.”

“But how kin we mount him?” said they.

“Trust to us for that,” said Weed, and him and
Raymond trotted off together.

They got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his
eyes onto the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck
terror into their soles, and lashed the ground with
his tail, and cast up dust with his claws, in a manner
fearful to behold.

“He'll never stand it!” said Weed, “onless he's
blindfolded,” and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like
a wet dish-rag over his eyes; and that done, him
and Randall pared his nails and blunted his teeth

(so that ef the bandage should wriggle off and he
shood see wher he wuz he coodent hurt anybody),
and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very innocent
Lion indeed, so that his appearance woodent
startle them not used to his fiercenis, and in that
condishen they led him very quietly down to the
crowd and give the word to mount.

Lord! what a scramble ther wuz. Tha piled on
from the tip uv his ears to the end uv his tale; and
them wich coodent git on for lack of room, hung to
the feet uv them wich had got on, until it wuz
nuthin less than a pirrymid of Democrats.

Finally, when all wuz loaded, the word wuz
given, and the lion moved off. They wuz delited.
He hed strength enuff to carry em, and he wuz a
a carryin em strate to the White House, and at a
good pase, too.

Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishin defenders
uv the place opened onto em.

“Hold!” said Weed, “wood you destroy the
Lion of the Republic?”

“Stay yoor hands!” shreeked Raymond. “The
savior uv the country is under us.”

But they lafft them to scorn.

“It's Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et settry,
we're firin at,” shreekt they, singin, as they

fought, “The Battle Cry uv Freedom,” “John
Brown's body lies a mouldin in the grave!” and
sich other sacriligious odes. “It's them we see,
and them we'll kill.”

And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz
stretched dead and dyin on the plain.

Then they came up and began to turn over the
corpses, one by one, until at last they came to the
body uv the Lion, which, peerced thro and thro,
wuz ez dead ez any uv em.

“My God!” sed they, “it is the Lion after
all!”

“And we've slayed him!” sed another.

“Well!” remarkt a third, “we couldent help it.
He was so kivered up with this carrion that I coodent
make out what it wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us
give him a decent burial for the good he hez done,
and forget, if we kin, the company he died in.”

And at this kritikle juncture I awoke.

I hev an idea I can see a sort uv a warnin in this
dreem. It occurs to me, —

1st. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest
him uv his mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the
identical qualities wich makes him valuable to us.

2d. That with us on his back, we will probably
succeed in killing him without savin us. Grant

might deodorize a dozen or two uv us, but the
whole party! Faugh! It wood be a pint of cologne
to a square mile uv carrion.

3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the
people woodent be able to see him anyhow, and
wat good wood he do us?

Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the
nomination. Besides, I doubt whether all the
Weeds and Raymonds in the country kin so manipulate
him ez to bring him quietly into our
ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and
thus git the privilege of votin for him, but wherefore?
How about the offisis then? Ef the Ablishnists
vote for him, and we vote for him, the obligation
is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt wich
he'd chose? I don't want to take sich chances.
I'm opposed to the movement. I care not what
others may do, but ez for me, give me straightout
Dimocrisy or nothing. McClellan was a vencher
wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv undertakin
to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful
lambs into green pasters.