University of Virginia Library

14. XIV.

THE news uv the election in Connecticut created
the most profound sensashen at the Corners.
It cum to us so onexpected, so like a clap uv thunder
from a clear sky, or ruther so like a gleam uv
sunlite thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, so
like the first streak uv sunlite in the mornin after
a long nite uv cholera morbus with no brandy in the
house, that we wuz overpowered with it. The Corners
hevn't experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv
joy sence the receet uv the news uv the Fort Piller
affair. It perdoost a very singler effect on Deekin
Pogram. When I cum up to him with the news,
he wuz engaged with all the elokence he possest
a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly belonged
to him, that, after all, the Southerners themselves

wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood
trust; and that when the time cum for em to exercise
the 'lective franchise, ef they hed any regard for
their own interests they wood turn their backs on
the Ablishinists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed
deceevers, and trust them and them only who
knowd em.

“Samyooel,” sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit
tone, with one hand on the nigger's shoulder, “why
shoodent we love yoo? Yoo are bone uv our bone,
and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv one blood — ”
(this remark the Deekin got into a habit some years
ago uv gittin off when speekin uv the Dimocrisy
North, and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho
in this instance, ef I hed bin in his place, I shoodent
hev slung it out, owin to the pecooliar construckshen
wich mite be put onto it) — “and our
interests is one, Samyooel.”

“Deekin,” sez I, interruptin him. “Deekin!
Connecticut hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez
gone Dimocratic!” —

“Wat!” sez he, “Dimocratic!”

“Verily,” sez I. “A Governer, and three Congressmen
out of four.”

Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly relashens
existin between the Deekin and Samyooel the

dark complexioned. If he wuz uv the Deekin's
flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of mortifyin it; for
never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that unfortunit
chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He
pitched into him feroshus; and after pummelin the
astonished Aferkin, who didn't see why the result
of a eleckshun shood work sich a change, till he wuz
out uv breath, he condenst wat strength wuz remainin
into one vigrous kick, exclaimin —

“Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked
sweet to yoo under false pretenses. I've bin betrayed
into wastin soft sawder onto a nigger — into
coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable rite to command —
into —”

“Wat does all dis mean?” sed the nigger,
faintly.

“Mean!” sed I to him; “my frend, this is the
reaction we've heard so much about — it 's arriv.
It means that there is a exceedinly good chance uv
yoor bein redoost agin to yoor normal speer; uv
yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove bin a
ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren.
It means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor
a good deal more valyooable to us now than yoo
wuz a hour ago. Go, my friend, and buy salve for
yoor brooses; for unless yoor heeld yoor valyoo will

be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to sell for
a low price — woodent yoo?”

I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin and come on to
Washinton, feelin that I must go where I cood
find kindred soles. The nite I arrived there wuz
high carnival at the White House. The President
wuz in tall feather. Ther wuz Connecticut visible
all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg for a buzzum
pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from
his watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they
wuz drinkin punches made of Noo England rum,
with small slices uv Wetherfield onyuns in em
insted uv lemons. Randall sprung toward me ez
I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand,
the President by tother, and we then — not altogether
onlike the three graces — embraced. They
hed the advantage uv me, ez they hed one odor —
the onion — wich I hedent, but I stood it. Why
not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of those
hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed
they bin eatin assafœtida.

At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in.

“Ha!” said he, “why this unwonted hilarity!
why this joy wher greef generally holds her court!”

“The Conneticut elecshun,” said Seward.

“O, to be sure,” sed the venerable old man,

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THREE GRACES. Page 116.

[Description: 633EAF. Illustration page. A group of many men in dark suits; three of them in the center have their arms wrapped around each other.]

vacantly; “I remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some
other man who wuz elected over — over — wat
wuz his name? — our candidate?”

“That wuz last yeer!” sed Seward, angrily.

“Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State
vote agin?” asked he, innocently, to wich no anser
wuz given. But very little attention is paid to Sekretary
Welles by any one 'ceptin Seward, and the
fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep him
postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evidence
that he's breakin up. Poor William, it's evident
that he's passin into his dotage.

Ther wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther,
and Saulsbury, and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and
Seymour, and Brooks, and more congratulatory letters
wuz read than wood fill a page of the Noo
York Herald. John C. Breckinridge hoped this
auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin,
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph
uv them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his
friends. Mayor Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped
that, after this evidence uv returnin reason, President
Johnson wood not hesitate to remove that
second Butler, Gen. Sheridan, who wuz ojius to
every friend the President had in the city uv wich
he wuz lately Mayor. Gen. Wise sent his congratulashens;

but ez they okkepied thirty-eight pages
uv legal cap paper, closely written, they wuzn't
read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe made uv a
corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger,
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his
wool, with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood,
and Jesse D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn,
and Vallandigham wanted to know now whether
or not the President wuz a goin to accept the situashen,
and take the Dimocratic party to his buzzum?
Ef so, he hed a list of apintments for Southern
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the question
arose whether or not I hed not better move
n.y Classicle and Military Institoot to Connecticut?
I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst asked, ez pertinent
to the question, whether or not ther wuz a
distillery in Connecticut; and sekond, whether or
not ther wuz a vacant post offis within four miles
uv it.

Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold
out indoosements that he coodent fulfill. He wuz
honest. Honesty wuz his best holt — simple, childlike
strate-forwardniss in his deelins in politix wuz
his cheef failin, and had well nigh been his rooin.
The first query was easy to anser — the eleckshun
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intellek

that ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut
or very handy to the State; but ther wuz no Post
Offisis to spare. To carry the State every wun of
em had bin solemnly promised.

The President remarkt that he reely shoodent
think that triflin circumstance wood interfere with
givin uv em to other men.

At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that
onless I cood hev a better post offis than the wun
I hed, I woodent go. I cood go and cood move
wat there is of the College bildins. It woodent cost
much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I spose a
better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than
the cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimocratic
College is built that must be the corner-stun
uv it. That stun is hallowed. Ther are tender
assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the corner-stone
uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil
Rites Bill. But I won't go to Connecticut onless
my subsistence is asshoored. Ther is more money
ther than in Kentucky; but I doubt whether they
wood support me ez well. I speek frankly. I kin
understand why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Kentucky
— he's interested in niggers. I kin appreciate
the Dimocrisy uv Suthern Injeany, Illinois,

and Ohio, coz they come from that region, and the
sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I kin
understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fernando
Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want
to keep very clear uv Connecticut Democrats. A
people anywhere in Noo England wich kin deliberitly
ally theirselves to us is just the kind uv people
I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust
a Yankee who hez dickered away his intrest in
Bunker Hill. I hev notist that a Noo Englander
wich come South and married an old maid, or a
widder with a plantation, wuz never to be trustid;
and it's my experience that a demoralized Yankee
— one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest
specimen uv a white man on the face uv the green
earth. He hez the acootnis wich is born uv a barren
soil, without the Puritanism to keep it within
bounds; he possesses the ability to make a livin
on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a
easier subsistence in milder climes; and instid uv
fishin for mackrel he goes South and fishes for men.
A Noo Englander, unrestrained by grace, is pizen,
and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv em. I hev
heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin
we may well be thankful for. I hev alluz bin thankful
that the Mayflower brot over religion ez well ez
brains and will.

Among the Connecticut Democrisy I shood stand
no show; and, beside, I hev too much self-respeck
to soshiate with em on terms uv equality. Instid
uv foragin on them, they'd manage to live on me.
I hev lambs to shear in Kentucky, and I don't care
about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold
water onto this festive occasion, it being a element
we all despise; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her
continyooin troo? Ef I understand it, we won by
means uv patronage, and running a War Democrat
— a bein I, in common with all the troo Democricy,
despise. We can't do it agin. The next
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our
ears a story uv another kind. One swaller don't
make a spring. I hev knowd uv calves being born
with two heads. This election, I fear me, is one
uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes perdooses
to show what she is capable uv. It ain't
normal. I hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good
over it — it rejoict me, coz it'll give our friends
South courage, and may skeer the Radicals into
givin us better terms, but —

My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who
hed bin sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle,

and the odor uv the onions overcomin him he rolled
under the table, and very shortly thereafter the
meetin broke up. I leave for home to-morrer, or
ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage.