University of Virginia Library

7. VII.

THERE is peace in the Corners! It reigns
here, it does, with a sweetnis onparalleled
since the Nashun launched out onto the sea uv
trubles, which very near engulfed her. It comes
about thro me. Biznis in the Post Orfis don't engross
all my time. It don't take me very long to
distribbit the paper which Deekin Pogram takes,
nor the cirklers uv the gift enterprises which come
here; neither does it consoom much uv my valyooble
time directin the letters enclosin dollars back to
em, besides which a good many uv em are insufficiently
sealed, and the money drops out, and bein
conscientious to a fault, ez I can't get em back into
the right letters, why uv course I don't send sich at
all. The only trouble I hev is in explainin why letters

containin such remittancis don't reach their destinashen,
but that has its rewards. I invariably tell
em that the managers uv the enterprises are ablishn
Yankees, and, uv course they'd be swindld, which
alluz intensifies their rage. A batch uv em sent for
tickets to Crosby's Opera House, which didn't reach
Chicago, ez I wuz behind with my board, and after
givin em the regular explanashen, they wuz so
enraged at the theevin ablishnists at Chicago, that
they sallied out and made it lively for wat niggers
they met. I forget now, but ef I remember right,
they hung two, or wuz it three? My memry is
failin.

But ez I wuz sayin, I hev plenty uv time, and I
put it in mostly studyin the caracteristiks uv human
nacher, ez developed in men and niggers. While
contemplatin a parsel uv niggers one day, I follered
em, and overheard their conversashen. I wuz
astonished! They wuz notifyin one another uv a
meetin to be held that nite in Pennibacker's barn, to
which all wuz expected to be present. Here, thot
I to myself, is Guy Fawkes! Here is conspiracy!
Meetin! Wat rite hev niggers to meet! And I
hastened to Deekin Pogram and told him wat I had
heerd.

“Nasby,” sed he, wringin my hand, “ef I ever

doubted the eternel fitnis uv things — the complete
and entire adaptability uv one class to another —
that doubt is removed. Here am I, a nigger owner
— here are yoo, a Northern Dimocrat — a bloomin
eggsotic ez I may say, wich hez took root in Southrn
sile. I never wood hev overherd them niggers! —
no Southner wood hev thot uv sneakin after em
— for all sich work the Northern Dimocrat is precisely
fitted. It's wat they've alluz done for us!
alluz! alluz! alluz!”

And he wrung my hand again, and thanked me.
I wuz too much overcome with emoshen at the
compliment he paid me to reply. But we arranged
the programme. We went to the barn, and overturned
a wagon so ez we cood git under it and heer
all that wuz sed without bein seen, and jest at nitefall
the Deekin and me ensconsd ourselves in our
hidin place.

The niggers gathered, praps thirty on em, and
opened the meetin with prayer, in which exercise
they hed the profanity to pray for the Government
uv the Yoonited States and sich, and then the biznis
commenst. It appears that they'd sent a man North
to find a locashen for em, ez they hed made up their
minds to run away from the blessins uv slavery wich
we are preparin to re-open to em, and this nigger

hed arrived, and they wuz assembled to hear his
report.

“Brother Lee,” sed the ringleader to the returned
nigger, wich I knowd — he wuz nearly white, and
wuz raised in Virginia, and hed bin four years in
the army, on the Fedral side uv course, — “are yoo
ready to report? Hev yoo found the Promised
Land?”

Brother Lee replied, that ef he understood wat
wuz the Ethiopian idee uv the “Promised Land,”
he cood safely and certainly say that he hedn't.
He landed first in Philadelphy, and bein sumwat
wearied by the long ride, he took a seat in a streetcar
which wuz empty. The condukter ordered him
out, but sposin he wuz in a State where there wuz
ekal rites he insisted on stayin, when the condukter
and the driver bundled him out by force. His coat,
he observed, showin wher the bloo blouse hed bin
onskilfully mendid, wuz sumwat fraktered in the
skuffle.

At this narrashen the niggers groaned, and it
wuz all I cood do to keep the Deekin from hollerin
halleloogy!

In Noo York State he didn't fare so well. He
diskivered that a decent nigger there isn't quite ez
good ez a very ordinary white man. He happened

ther on 'leckshin day, and narrated that he saw
white men carried up to the poles so eggstremely
drunk that them ez hed em in charge hed to put
the ticket atween their fingers and anser to their
names, while a 'spectable nigger hed to show that
he wuz worth some property afore he wuz allowed
to vote, and then a number uv gentlemen with red
faces and clubs made it so onpleasant that but few
attempted it.

The Deekin punched me in the ribs vociferously.

Next he went to Ohio, sposin, uv course, that a
State so extremely opposed to bondage wood be
the place he wuz in search uv. Agin he wuz disappointed.
It wuz worse than it wuz in Noo York,
for the Ablishnists wuz a going on the principle, he
rather guessed, uv doin justis without runnin agin
anybody's prejudises; or rather, uv lettin justice do
herself, for they don't make any move towards helpin
her. There the nigger uv no grade, no matter
how much he pade taxes onto, or how long he
served in the army, wuzn't allowed a vote. The
Ablishinists, ez he understood, tho praps he wuz
wrong, carried the state on the nigger question, but
wuz now afrade to tetch it for fear they'd lose it
agin. They've hed it, he remarked, 12 years, but

hedn't, ez yit, got all the people edjicated up to the
pint uv doin wat all the people knowd wuz rite.

His experience in the West wuz very similar.
The Ablishnists wuz everywhere very strongly in
the majority, and every wun uv 'em he talked with
wuz in favor of givin the nigger his rites, but they
wuz all afraid ef they took hold uv it, they'd be laid
out by the Democracy, which wuznt in the majority
at all. In Washington, wher Congress hez give the
niggers a vote, he wuz well treated, and it wuz the
only place. A gentleman who wants to run for
Mayor next spring giv him his dinner, and quite a
number of others who wanted small offises did likewise,
but he woodent advise emigrashen there, for
the reason that ther wuz too many there now; and
besides it's possible that before the next elecshun
Congress may conclude that suffrage in the Deestrick
will run 'em into the ground in the States
(their constituents, which are all Ablishnists, not
bein edjucated up to the pint), and repeel it.

The Deekin nudged me agin.

“Wat shel we do?” then sed the niggers, all in
korious.

“Do!” sed the nigger, wich his name it wuz Lee,
“do! grin and bear it wher yoo are. Ez fo' me,

ef I hed my five yeahs back agin I shood do diffrent.
Liberty is a gift hoss, wich, ef dis niggah
hed it to do ober agin, he wood look in de mouth,
shoah. I shood want to know whedder, I bein a
beggar, ef I mounted it I shoodent ride to de devil.
When I turned agin Massa, and went into de servis,
I wuz promised ef I behabed like a man I shood
be counted a man. I behabed like a man, but wat
now? Dar's de cibbel rites bill, which reads good,
but wha's de sogers to put it froo? Dar's all sorts
ob laws, but wha's de yoose ob em so long ez noboddy
pays any tenshun to em? I go Norf, wha de
Ablishnists hab eberyting dah own way, and I find
de niggah is ez bad off dah ez he is heah, coz de
Ablishnis, wich is de champions uv ekal rites, ain't
eddicated up to de pint uv bustin unekal laws. We
can't stay heah and git our rites — we can't go dah,
coz ebry wun ob em will tell yoo his nabor ain't
eddicated up to de pint ob doin anything but holdin
de offises, and passin resolooshens dat dey bleeve in
de principles ob de Declarashen ob Independence,
wich principles reed bery well, but wat good is
dey to me ef dey ain't acted up to? Fo' fo'pence
I'd go hang myself.”

They had other talk, and finally broke up, endin
with a prayer, the burden uv wich wuz that the

good Lord wood find some way, wat they didn't
care, to eddicate their friends North up to the pint.

Ez soon ez they wuz gone the Deekin and I
crawled out from under the wagon, and I must say
the old gentleman surprised me. Dashin his hat
down on the ground, he execooted one uv the most
frantic Highland flings my eyes ever witnist. It
astonished me to see how recklis the old man wuz
with his legs. Finally, out uv breath, he subsided
with a prolonged shreek uv exultant joy.

“Why so jubilant, my venerable friend?” sed I.

“Nasby,” sed he, “it's better than I hoped for.
The Ablishnists bar em out — they ain't eddikated
up to the pint, and they drive em away. They
make distinkshuns, and when the nigger's distinkted
aginst in part, he's precisely the material uv which
to make a servant unto his brethren. Ef the nigger
can't git all his rites in the North, he'd better be
without any uv em in the South. Up ther he hez
all the cussitood uv bein a free man, without any
uv the indoosements; down here, ef he ain't got any
uv the blessins uv freedom he ain't any uv the responsibilities.
The nigger, uv course, will stay —
he'd be a cussed fool ef he didn't. Bless the Lord
for the Ablishnists wat ain't eddikated up to the
pint!”

And the blessed old lunatic execooted another
Highland fling onto his hat. Sharin his enthoosiasm,
ez I alluz do everybody's I meet, that I may
share whatever else they hev, we went to Bascom's,
wher, before we separated, we wuz eddikated up to
a pint, and considerable more. Bascom carried the
Deekin home on a wheelbarrer, at a little past one.