University of Virginia Library

13. XIII.

I HEV made many sudden and rather 'strordinary
changes in politix — some so very sudden
that the movement perdoost conjestion uv the conshence.
I rekollect wunst uv advokatin free trade
and high protective tariff, all within twelve hours
(I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo
York in the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manufacturin
town in Pennsylvany in the evenin, our
platform bein so construktid that both sides cood
find a endorsement in it), and hev performed many
other feats uv moral gymnastiks; but this last change
I hev bin called upon to make is probably the suddenest.
Last week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Captain

McPelter, and I, wuz engaged in riddin the
Corners uv niggers. We hed endoord em ez long
ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it
no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied
hed too much spellin-book into em to be enslaved
agin, we wuz preparin notises to be served onto em,
orderin em to leave in twenty-four hours, when I
reseeved in the northern mail a letter marked “Free
— Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G.” I knowd it wuz
offishel to-wunst — that blessid signatoor is on my
commisshun, and I've contemplatid it too often to
be mistaken in it. Its contents wuz brief, and run
thus: —

“To all Postmasters in the Southern States: The
niggers hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt.
See to it.”

This breef, tho not hard to be understood order,
wuz sealed with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis
Department, stampt into putty instid uv wax, to wit:
a loaf of bread, under a roll uv butter, with ten
hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the situation
at site, and set about doin my dooty with both
Roman and Spartan firmness. “Deekin,” sez I,
tearin up the notises, “these niggers we hev misunderstood.
They are not a inferior race — they are
not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't

Paul's idea in sendin back Onesimus to condemn
him to servitood — we hev misunderstood the situation,
and must make amends. The nigger is devoid
uv smell, and is trooly a man and a brother!”

“Wat?” said the Deekin, tippin back in amazement.

“Jest wat I say,” sez I. “Read that,” and I
flung him the letter.

The upshot uv the conference wich follered wuz
the callin uv a meetin the next nite, at wich all the
Ethiopians uv the Corners wuz invited and urged
to be present.

The trouble wuz to git the niggers to attend the
meetin. The fust one I spoke to lafft in my face,
and askt me how long it wuz sence I hed helpt
hang a couple uv niggers, by way uv finishin off a
celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper, got
hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that
ef the niggers hedn't any more sense than we give
em credit for, in sposin we cood bamboozle em so
cheep, he shood go back to the old beleef, to wit:
that they wuz only a sooperior race uv monkeys,
after all; and by nite every nigger in the visinity
wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood
only git four who would promise to attend, and
them the Deekin hed to pay $2 apiece to. To give

it eclaw I promised one uv em $5 (to be paid at the
close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with me,
wich, bein a very poor man, and hevin a sick wife
in a shanty near by, who wuz suffering for medicine
(wich he coodent git without money), he accepted.

At this pint an idee struck me. I remembered
Philadelfy, and determined to hev a scene rivalin
the Couch and Orr biznis. “Another thing, Cuff.
Understand that it's a part uv the bargain that when
in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo must
rise and embrace me.”

“Wat?” sez he.

“Fall into my arms, lovin-like — you understand
— jist as tho we wuz long-lost brothers!”

“Scuse me!” sed he. “I'se a mity low nigger,
and wants to buy de old woman some quinine, and
wood do most anything foah dat; but, golly, dat's
too much!”

“Not a cent,” sed I, sternly, assoomin my most
piercinest gaze; “onless this is included!”

“Well,” returned he, sulkily, “ef I must, I speck
I must; but, golly —”

The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full.
We thot fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the College,
but give up the idea ez impracticable, ez, owin

to the dillytorinis uv our Northern friends in forwardin
sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we
hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the
corner-stun. In the front wuz the four niggers, all
in clean shirts, and on the stand wuz the nigger I
hed engaged. Over the platform, wuz the follerin
mottoes: —

“In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in
1868, Fernando Wood. For Vice President, Frederick
Duglis.”

“In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen,
beauty — In the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest
uv the human species — both.”

In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mottoes
wich Jefferson writ, about yooniversal liberty
and sich, wich hedn't bin quoted in Kentucky for
twenty years, and postid em up; in brief, hed Wendell
Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over that
meetin-house, it wood hev smiled approvinly.

I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal brotherhood
uv mankind, holdin that whatever else cood
be sed, Adam wuz the father uv all mankind, and
that the only diffrence between a white man and a
nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The nigger,
I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white; but
hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted

to agricultooral persoots, he hed become tanned to
a degree wich, tho it marred his physikle beauty,
did not interfere with his sterlin goodnis uv heart.
Ther hed bin diffrences between the races — at times
ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted
more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not
alluz bin ez considrit ez I cood hev wished. They
hed flogd sevral uv em, and hung many more, and
in times past hed held em in slavery and sich; but
that shood not be thot uv at this happy time. It
wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Kentucky
wuz eminently a law-abidin State. “Here,”
sez I, “on this platform, with the flag uv our common
country over me, I declare eternal friendship to
the colored man, and to seel the declarashen I thus
embrace —”

The obstinit nigger didn't stir a step.

“Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you
black cuss,” sed I, in a stage whisper. “Come
up!”

“No yoo don't, boss!” sed the nigger, in a loud
voice, wich was audible all over the church, and
holdin out his hand. “I can't trust yoo a bressid
minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe dis chile foah
dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post offis, and
ef we's a gwine to hab our rites de fus yoose I shel

[ILLUSTRATION]

"I THUS EMBRACE" — Page 110.

[Description: 633EAF. Illustration page. Illustration of two men; one of them holds out his hands to the other, who is an African-American.]

put mine to be will be gittin dat money. Pay up
fus, and de 'brace afterward. I can't do sich a disagreeable
ting widout de cash in advance.”

This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities
wuzn't preserved. The niggers in front bust out
in a torturing laff, and Pollock and Bigler rolld in
convulsions uv lafture, in wich half uv our people
joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood of
embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his
hand extended for the money, with the Deekin and
Bascom horror-struck jist behind, formed a tabloo
wich wuz more strikin than pleasant.

The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz
evident to the dullest comprehenshen that nothin
more coodent be done that nite. Ez yoosual I failed
for want uv capital. Hed I bin possesst uv the paltry
sum uv five dollars, how diffrent wood hev bin
the result! Perchance we may, thro that defishency,
lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin —
my salery must be raised. I can't make brix without
straw.

Joe Bigler met me next mornin and remarkt that
he regrettid the occurrence, ez he ardently desired
to see the two races a pullin together. “The fault,
Perfessor,” sed he, “wuz in not managin properly.
The next time yoo want a 'spectable nigger to sit

on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss
or embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then,
probably — I know he will. Ef he's drunk enuff,
he'll hurrah for Johnson, and it's possible to git em
down to the pint uv votin with yoo. Lord! how
whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo
to!” and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin boisterously.
“Git em drunk, Perfesser!” he yelled ez
long ez he cood see me.

We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice
wuz given in jest; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon
it. Whiskey is wat brings white men to us; and
ef a white man kin be thus capchered, why not a
nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to fall to git
down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him.
Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich I spose the
Administrashen will pay for. We hev yet the Noo
York Custom House, and more uv the perkesits
must be yoosed for politikle purposes.