University of Virginia Library

26. XXVI.

EDITOR TOLEDO BLADE. Sir: Enclosed
find photograff uv myself, ez you desired.
To make a strikin picter, I flung myself into
the attitood, and assoomed the expreshun wich mite
hev bin observed onto my classikle countenance
when in the act uv deliverin my justly celebrated
sermon, “The wages uv Sin is Death.” The $2.00
wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter
wuz, I regret to say, insuffishent. The picter cost
75 cents, and it took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's newest
to stiddy my nerves to the pint uv undergoin the
agony uv sittin 3 minits in front uv the photograffer.
I need not say that he is a incendiary from Massachoosets.
Ez the deceased Elder Gavitt's son Issaker
hez expressed a burnin desire to possess his
apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very

shortly require the expulsion uv the incendiary.
But I hed my revenge — in his pockit is none uv
my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told him
I wood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those
who knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I
wood call and pay for it afore he left the Corners.
Will I do it? Will this picter-takin Ablishnist ever
more behold me? Ekko ansers.

Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by
draft on Noo York, or money order, at my resk.

I wuz born in the year 1806, at — I will not say
where. I hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace.
I don't want to set any town in that State up in
biznis. That town hez gone loonatic, and gives
Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate, and I
don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel reputashen.
I don't want to double the price uv its
property — to be the means uv erectin a dozen, or
sich a matter, uv first class hotels to accommodate
the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither to
visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the
house into wich I first opened my eyes onto a world
uv sin, is a Ablishnist of the darkest dye, and I hev
no desire to enrich him. Never, by word uv mine,
shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks and
buzzum pins.

My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knollege
and muskrats, mostly the latter. I wuz a
promisin child. My parence wuz Democrats, uv
the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler. She
hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic, with a hatred
that I never saw ekalled. When I say that she
woodent borrer tea and sugar and sich uv Whig
nabers, the length, and breadth, and depth of her
Dimocrisy will be understood.

Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father
wuz a leadin man in the humble speer in wich he
moved, holdin, at different times, the various offices
in the town up to constable, the successive steps
bein road supervisor and pound master. He wuz
elected constable, and mite probably hev gone
higher, but for an accident that occurred to him
the first month. He collected a judgment for $18,
and the money wuz paid to him. The good man
wuz a talented collector, but wuz singlerly careless
in payin over wat he collected. Ez showin the pekoolier
bent uv genius uv the old man, I repeet a
conversashen I wunst heerd. A man who hed an
account to collect, wuz consultin one who knowd
my father well, ez to the safety uv puttin a claim
into his hands.

“Is he a good collector?” askt the man.

“Splendid!” sed the naber.

“Is he a man uv responsibility?” askt the man.

“Sir!” sed the naber, “he hez the ability, but
yoo'll find when yoo try to git yoor money out uv
his hands that he lacks the response.”

Cood ther hev bin a more techin triboot?

He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His
ability was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff,
who didn't admire sich erratic flites, raised a ruckshen
about the paltry sum, and my father

From that time out, the old gentleman migrated
— in fact, he lived mostly on the road. He adopted
movin ez a perfeshun, and a very profitable one he
made uv it. When his hoss died, the nabors, rather
than not hev him move, wood chip in and raise him
another. Appreshiatin the compliment they pade
him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities
uv my ancestor, becoz

ef our talent runs in that direckshun, ez many debts
ez he did, though it does require espeshel talents.

This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind.
I saw not only a great deal uv the country, but
much uv mankind, and I acquired that adaptability
to circumstances wich hez ever distinguished me.
Even to this day, ef I can't git gin I kin take
whiskey, without a murmur and without repinin.

My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may
say, without egotism, I hev bin a yooseful member
uv that party. I voted for Jackson seven times, and
for every succeedin Dimocratic candidate ez many
times ez possible. For Mick Lellan, I only got in
four votes. I didn't approve uv the nominashen,
and wuz not overly zealous. Hed he bin electid,
wat wood it hev availed me? He hed enuff dismist
army officers follerin him to hev filled every offis in
his gift, and I hed at that time become too old to
foller pollytix for the amoozement it afforded, or for
the benefit uv any cause.

But this is a digression.

My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed; in
fact, I wuz not a Dimekrat from any speshel principle,
but more becoz those in the speer in wich I
moved wuz, until I arrived at the age uv twenty-four.
My father wuz intimately acquainted with
me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez
tho he hed bin the friend uv my buzzum. One

day, ez I wuz a layin on my back under a tree,
contemplatin the beauties uv nacher, my parent,
sez he, —

“Pete” (wich is short for my name), “ef yoo
ever marry, marry a milliner!”

“Why? father uv mine,” replied I, openin my
eyes.

“Becoz, my son,” sed he, “she'll hev a trade
wich'll support yoo, otherwise yoo'll die uv starvashen
when I'm gone.”

I thot the idea wuz a good one. Thro woman a
cuss come into the world, wich cuss wuz labor;
and I wuz determined that ez woman hed bin the
coz uv requirin somebody to sweat for the bread I
eat, woman shood do that sweatin. That nite I
perposed to a milliner in the village, and she rejectid
my soot. I offered myself, in rapid succeshun,
to a widder, who wuz a washerwoman, and to a
woman who hed boys old enuff to work, with the
same result, when, feelin that suthin wuz nessary
to be done to sekoor a pervision for life, I married a
nigger washerwoman wich didn't feel above me.
Wood you bleeve it? Within an hour after the
ceremony wuz pronounst, she sold her persnel
property, consistin uv a wash-tub and board, and a
assortment uv soap, and investin the proceeds in a

red calico dress and a pair uv earrings, insisted on
my goin to work to support her! and the township
authorities not only maintained her in her loonacy,
but refused to extend releef to me, on the ground
that I wuz able-bodied.

Ez I left that nigger, I vowed to devote my life to
the work of gettin uv em down to where they wood
hev to support us, and that vow I hev relijusly fulfilled.
I hev never failed, by my vote and inflooence,
to reduce em to ther normal condishun; I hev never
felt good, ceptin when they wuz put down a peg;
I hev never wept, save when they wuz bein elevated.
I hev bin bathed in tears the heft uv the time for
five years past.

The offices I hev held hev not been many. I hed
signers to a petishun for a post-office in Jackson's
time, but I killed my chances by presentin it in person.
The old hero looked at me, and remarked that
it wuzn't worth while throwin away post-offices on
sich — that when he wanted em, he cood buy em at
a dollar a dozen. Bookanan wuz agoin to appoint
me, but somehow my antecedents got to his ears,
and he wuz afeerd uv his respecktability; and I
never succeeded till Johnson returned to his first
love and embraced us.

I hed bin drafted into the Federal army at the

beginnin uv the war, and hed deserted to the Confederacy.
Procoorin a certifikit to that effeck, I
applied for a pardon and a place. He didn't like
to giv me the offis, but he wanted a party, and, ez
his appintments everywhere show, he coodn't be
very pertikeler. I succeeded! I bore with me to
Kentucky a commishun ez Post Master, and I am
now livin in the full enjoyment uv that posishun,
and I may say, I am happy.

The sosiety is conjenial. Ther is four groceries,
onto wich I kin gaze from the winder uv my offis,
and jest beyond, enlivenin what wood otherwise be
a dull landscape, is a distillery, from wich the smoke
uv the torment ascendeth forever. I hev associates
who reverence me, and friends who love me. There
is nuthin monotonous here. I hev knowd ez many
ez eight fites per day, though three or four is considered
enuff to break the tedium. And in these
deliteful pursoots, leavin behind me the ambishens
uv wat mite be called public life, with my daily
bread sekoored, with my other sustenance ashoored,
with a frend alluz to share my bottle, or, to speek
with a greater degree uv akkooracy, frends alluz
willin to share ther bottles with me, I am glidin
peacefly down the stream uv time, dodgin the

troubles, and takin ez much uv the good uv life
ez I kin.

The twenty-five cents menshuned in the beginin
uv my letter, you may, ez I remarked, remit either
in postal order or currency.