University of Virginia Library

24. XXIV.

I HEV alluz hed an incorrect idea uv Boston.
I sposed Boston to be strate-laced, moral to a
degree not to be understood by a Dimocrat, and
Puritanicle. I wuz mistaken. Ther is ez heavy a
per cent. uv men in whom His Eggslency and I kin
take delite ez ther is in any city in the country, ez
the followin incidents, which came under my notice,
will show: —

Ez we wuz a goin through Franklin Street, a man
stepped up to the carriage rather hesitatinly.

“Mr. President,” sed he.

“Well,” sed His Eggslency, turnin full upon
him.

The site uv the nose uv the Step Father uv his
Country reashured him.

“Mr. President, wood yoo like some punch?”

“Punch! Certainly. But hevn't yoo suthin
stronger, to lay a foundashen with?”

“Certinly!” and he pulled a bottle uv brandy
from his right hind-pocket, and the great man took
an observashen uv the sky thro the bottom uv it,
wich lasted a minnit. I never agin will doubt that
the material to make Democrisy uv exists in a country
where they come at yoo with punch, and hev
brandy bottles in their coat-pockets.

Bokays were showered upon us. One old gentleman,
who sot two hours in a chair waitin to present
us with his, finally histed it at us. The fact that
ther wuz a note in it askin fur a posishen fur the
genrous giver, don't detract anything from the valyoo
uv the gift. When we got to the end uv our trip
there wuz a dray-load uv bokays in our carriage,
and in all but three uv em wuz tied-up recommendashens
for the givers for places. It is better to hev
sich missives enveloped in roses, though the most
thorns we git ain't got roses round em.

The most techin incident was the number uv
babies we hed to kiss. The mothers pressed to
our carriage-steps to present their offsprings. Mistakin

me for the President, I kisst half uv em.
The rapcherus expreshun on the upturned faces
uv the anxshus mothers affected the President to
teers, showin, ez it did, the confidence reposed in
him.

“Whisht, Teddy!” sed one uv em, “and howld
yer mug up fer the man to kiss who doesn't kiss the
dirthy nagers!”

“Musha, Phelim, be still. The Presidint, bless
his sowl, won't bite ye!”

“Lind me yer apurn, Peggy, to wipe Terry's face
wid. The Prisidint must kiss the darlin. 'Taint
ivery Prisidint wood do the loike.”

And the President kissed, and I kissed, till our
lips wuz sore.

Sich is position.

That nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram,
in wich he desired me to ascertain whether or no
there wuz eny bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy.
Captain McPelter sed the Northern Dimocrisy wuz
strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky throo, while
Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimocrisy
hed a considerable more to do to carry themselves
than they hed bin able to accomplish for some
time — that in a pullin match a corpse wuzn't uv
much akkount, ef it wuz a big one. With this letter

in my hand I fell asleep, and while asleep,
dreemed.

Methawt I wuz in Noo Orleans at a gathrin uv
the Faithful, who wuz called together for the purpose
of considrin wat to do. Sum few — Longstreet,
Gov. Brown, and Jeff. Thompson — wuz in
favor uv submission, and hed got the majority uv
the Southern people to agree with em that ther wuz
no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist
about to so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood,
Toucey, Morrissey, Voorhees, and a score or two
more uv that kind, rushed in and begged uv em to
hold out. “Why submit?” sed Vallandigham.
“We'll sustain yoo. The Northern Dimocrisy is
a giant wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime,
and strong enuff yit to carry yoo throo twice the
troubles wich threatens yoo. Depend onto us —
we'll carry yoo.”

And the Southerners whopped over to their side
and yelled fiercely, “No submission!” and immejitly
the entire bilin uv em startid North with these
men, to ascertain the strength and carryin capacity
uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the party
travelled and travelled until finally they come to a
vast plain in Kentucky, onto wich wuz extendid
prostrate the form uv a Giant. It was a Giant,

immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last degree.
His limbs hed bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his
trunk massive; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz
pegged out, and a look at its face showed why it
wuz so. Dissipation had redoost him to helplessnis.
His face wuz bloatid and bloo, his eyes wuz sot and
ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken, his legs
like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he
drawd his breath with a effort.

He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz
a tenderly feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled
“Appintments,” which appeared to give him temprary
strength; but the effect of that wuz lost by
President Johnson's dosin him with an offensiv
smellin mixter, labelled “Policy,” every swaller uv
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Gov. English
was rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave
him, and hed succeeded in gettin up a little circulation
in it.

“Wat is this?” askt the Southerners.

“Northern Dimocrisy!” sed English, rubbin
away vigrously.

“Is this the Giant which is to carry us?” said
the Southern gentlemen, viewin the disgustin objick
doubtfully.

“Certainly!” sed Johnson. “Now can't you
git up?” sed he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very
large swaller out uv his bottle. The Giant made an
effort, but flopped down agin like a dish-rag.

“Gentlemen!” said Vallandigham, “we shel hev
to call upon you to assist in settin him onto his feet,
and then it'll be all rite with him. He's bin this
way afore.”

Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around
him to lift him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked
respectively Connecticut and Delaware, and his legs
Maryland and Kentucky, and in them there wuz
strength, for ez soon ez the innocent Southerners
got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em,
and sed, —

“Lift!”

“We can't,” sed they.

“Yoo must,” sed he; “I got into this condishen
fightin yoor battles, and doin yoor work. I was
strong and vigorous until I got to runnin after yoor
harlots; and for yoor sake I wuz druv out uv my
native States into this accussid region. Yoo must
carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist me! hist
me!”

Those caught coodent get away, and the others

generously come to ther aid, and makin a terrible
effort, they raised the half-dead bein onto their
shoulders, holdin their noses meanwhile, and prepared
to start. Ez the percession wuz about to
move, Vallandigham remarked, “Stop a minit, gentlemen!”
and loaded ez he wuz with his war record,
he clambered up ther shoulders and took a seat on
the carkiss. Voorhees, jist ez badly encumbered,
did likewise, and so did the Woods, both uv em,
and poor Jimmy Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey,
and a hundred or so more, the unfortunit bearers
sweatin under this addishnal load.

“Is all ready?” sed they.

“One moment!” sed Johnson, and him and Randall,
and Seward, climbed up.

This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev
staggered off under the carkiss, and them wich
climbed onto it first, but this last addishn to ther
burden wuz friteful. It finisht em. Groanin under
the weight, they swayed like a leaf in the wind, —
like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled
a minit to maintain themselves — but all in vain.
A breef struggle — a desprit gasp — they give up,
and ther knees doublin up, the whole concern come
to the earth with a squashin sound, wich letters can't

express, and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell
apart. Raymond and Thurlow Weed, wich hed
bin hangin round, got out from under jist in time
to save theirselves. The Southerners got out from
under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the
stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv
it, ez they had bin around it. It staggered Johnson
some, but he hed bin accustomed to suthin approximatin
very closely to it in the old times, and
it didn't serously affect him; but poor Randall,
Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died.

I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when
the effort I wuz makin awoke me.

I ain't altogether certain but that that dream
means suthin. When I think of it, it is rather
preposterous for us to hope the Northern Dimocracy
will carry us, when they can't carry a single
State uv their own; jist about ez preposterous ez
it is for them to look to us for help, when all uv
us ez wood jine em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's
remark, — “In a pullin match, a corpse ain't of
much akkount, even ef it is a big one,” — weighs
onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin;
tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come
out uv suthin. Ef we cood git — but, pshaw! we

can't. Thank the Lord, we kin hold the Postoffises
two years yit.