University of Virginia Library

2. II.

SQUARE Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Capt. McPelter
and myself wuz in the Post Offis last
nite, wich, next to Bascom's, hez got to be the cheef
resort uv the leading intellex uv the Corners, a talkin
over matters and things, when the Deekin happened
to menshun that next week his second son, Elijer,
who hez intelleck into him, was a goin to start for
Michigan to enter a college.

“Wat!” sed I, “do yoo perpose to send that
noble yooth, Elijer Pogram, to a Ablishn State, to
enter a Ablishn college, to suck his knollege from
a Ablishn mother? Good Heavens! Frailty, thy
name is woman.

[I hedn't any ijee that this last remark wuz appropos,
but it sounds well, and I hev notist that it
don't make much difference wat the cotashun is so
ez yoo end a remark with a cotoshun.]

The Deekin remarked that it wuz painful; but
the fact wuz, Elijer must hev a edjucashen. He
didn't bleeve in edjucashen, generally speekin. The
common people wuz better off without it, ez edjucashen
hed a tendency to unsettle their minds.
He hed seen the evil effex uv it in niggers and poor
whites. So soon ez a nigger masters the spellin
book and gits into noosepapers, he becomes dissatisfied
with his condishn, and hankers after a better
cabin and more wages. He to-wunst begins to insist
onto ownin land hisself, and givin his children
educashen, and, ez a nigger, for our purposes, aint
worth a soo markee. Jes so with the poor whites.
He knowd one melloncolly instance. A poor cuss
up toards Garrittstown, named Ramsey, learnt to
read afore the war, and then commenst deterioratin.
For two years he refoozed to vote the Dimocratic
ticket, then he blossomed out into a Ablishnist and
tried to make the others uv his class discontented
by tellin uv em that Slavery wuz wat kept them
down, and finally, after pashense ceased to be a
virchoo, and we tarred and fethered him one nite

for a incendiary, he went to Injiany. That cuss cum
back here, doorin the late onpleasantniss, kernel of a
rigiment, wich he campt on my farm and subsisted
em off it.

“Sum educashen is, however, nessary. I design
Elijer for Congris, and he must hev it. He's a true
Pogram, and nothin will strike in wich kin hurt
him.”

“Why not,” sez I, “that the Southern yooth may
be properly trained, start a College uv our own?
Why, Deekin, run risks uv hevin the minds uv our
young men tainted with heresy?”

The entire company wuz struck with the idea,
and it wuz earnestly canvassed, and finally decided
upon; and I wuz deppytized to start it, wich I
immejitly did. The name by wich the new college
is to be known is “The Southern Classikle, Theologikle
and Military Institoot uv Confedrit × Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky).”

The college grounds is to comprise one hundred
akers taken from corners uv the farms uv Deekin
Pogram, Elder Slathers and Capt. McPelter, wich
ground they sell the college, seein it's for that purpose,
for $300 per aker.

The faculty will be, ef we kin sekoor em, composed
uv these trooly great minds: —

Genril Forrest, late C. S. A., Professor uv Moral
Philosophy.

Kernell Mosby, late C. S. A., Professor uv Rhetoric
and Belles Lettres.

Capt. McGee, late C. S. A., Professor uv Natural
Sciences.

Genril Magruder, late C. S. A., Professor uv watever
is understood by them ez is posted in college
matters, ez Classics, wich I shel look up ez soon ez
I hev time.

This is a killin two birds with one stun. We not
only pervide educashen, wich is safe for our young
men, but we pervide comfortable places for the
heroes uv the late onpleasantniss.

In addition to these, Deekin Pogram, Square
Gavitt and myself, each pledged ourselves to endow
a Professorship in the Theologikle Department, to
be known by our names, and we to hev the appintin
uv the Professors.

The Pogram Chair uv Biblikle Theology will be
offered to Rev. Henry Clay Dean, uv Iowa, provided
he will stipulate to wash his feet wunst per
quarter and change his shirt at least twice per
annum.

The Gavitt Chair uv Biblikle Literatoor will be
offered to Rev. C. Chauncey Burr, uv Noo York;
and,

The Nasby Chair uv Biblikle Politicks will be
filled by Rev. Petroleum Vesoovius Nasby, whose
eminent fitniss for the place is undispooted.

In the Scientific and Classikle Departments the
text-books will be keerfully revised, and everything
uv a Northern or levelin tendency will be scroopulously
expergated. In the Theologikle Department
speshl attenshun will be given to the highly nessary
work uv preparin the stoodents for comin out strong
on the holinis uv Slavery, and to this end the three
years' course will be devotid thus: —

1st year — To the cuss uv Noer.

2d year — To provin that the Afrikin nigger wuz
reely the descendants uv Ham.

3d year — Considerin the various texts wich go to
show that Afrikin slavery is not only permitted
by the skripters, but especially enjoined.

I shell myself lectur, from time to time, on Ham,
Hager and Onesimus, that the bearins uv these individooals
upon our system may be fully understood,
and also on sich subjects ez the inflooense uv stimulatin
flooids upon the human system, the cat-o'-nine-tails
ez a evangelizer, and sich other topics ez may
from time to time sejest themselves.

The young men confided to our care will receive
not only a solid collegiate educashun, ez it is understood
at the North, but careful attention will be paid
to the accomplishments so nessary to the troo Southern
gentleman. They will be taught draw poker,
pitchin dollars (real Spanish dollars will be provided
for the purpose), spittin at a mark, revolver and
bowie knife practice, tournament ridin at rings (real
injy rubber rings will be provided — this'll be extra),
and cat-o'-nine-tails. The morals uv the stoodents
will be scroopulously looked after. No card-playin
will be allowed afore servis on Sunday, and none
watever with the servants. They will be taught to
respeck themselves.

Uv course, there will hev to be a large outlay uv
money, wich it stands to reason can't be outlayed till
it's inlayed.

We, therefore, formed an Executive Committe,
whose dooty it wuz made to solissit funds for this
purpose, and to inaugerate a series uv Gift Enterprises,
and sich, wich is ez follows: —

Deekin Pogram, President.

Elder Slathers, Vice-President.

Capt. McPelter, Corresponding Secretary.

Myself, Financial Secretary and
Treasurer.

The high standin uv the Board, particklerly the
Treasurer, wich hez the handlin uv the funds, is a
suffishent guarantee that all money subscribed will
be faithfully applied. It wuz resolved, in order that
the Board may present that respectable appearance
wich their posishen demands, that the first funds
reseeved should be applied to the purchis uv each
uv em a new soot uv clothes, a step, I am confident,
the friends uv southern educashen will approve uv
and heartily endorse.

I hev hopes in the course uv a week to report
progress. Every subscriber uv $2.50 and upwards,
will hev a Honorary Professorship named after him,
or will be made a Honorary Member uv the Board
uv Directors, ez he chooses. We regret that we
wuz too late to git Admiral Semmes to fill one uv
the chairs; but we pledge our friends to sekoor his
fust lootenant, or sekkond, at farthest. We hev
high hopes uv a libral support from the Dimocrisy
north. They cannot but realize the dangers uv
sendin their sons to sich institooshens uv learnin
north ez must turn em out Ablishnists, or chill, at
least, the ardoor uv their Dimocrisy.

It is to be hoped that contributions for the buildin
uv the institooshen and its proper endowment will

be commenst immejitly, ez there is a morgage on
Deekin Pogram's farm, and I am in pressin need
uv a substanshel soot uv winter clothes.