University of Virginia Library

17. XVII.

WE are in continyooal trouble down here with
these cussid niggers. They are harder to
manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther pecoolyarities.
Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method
in their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I
reely hev made up my mind that I don't understand
em at all. They cuddle up to us ez kind ez a
bloomin maiden does to her first adored, and they
fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden
does when number two heaves in site. They behave
well for a season, aperrently for no other purpose
than to enjoy our discomfiture when they
finally throw us. I hev bin a gittin a suspishen

thro me that they ain't half ez stoopid ez they look;
and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth
when we say, in our resolooshens, that they are the
ekals uv the whites. Why shoodn't they be? Ah!
why, indeed? Why shoodent the nigger boy, wich
is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's
feechers ez like ez a photograff, hev ez much sense
ez the Deekin? I hev egsamined into the pedigree
uv that nigger, and I find that his mother hed
the hawtiest and best blood uv Virginny coursin
toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the
Pogram mix coodent materially depreciate in one
generashen.

I hed the niggers uv the × Roads very handsomely
in tow up to yisterday. I hed em attendin
services last Sunday at the meetin-house, and by
private arrangement hed em seated miscellaneously
among the awjence. Dekin Pogram hed a wench,
wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise,
atween him and his wife, while four other niggers
ornamentid his pew. Bascom, with alacrity, consented
to three; and Elder Gavitt provided seats
for four. It wuz a pleasant site! White and black
wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board —
niggers and whites wuz spread out together like
the fat and lean in pork; and ez I seed it I cood

hardly restrane my emoshuns. There before me
wuz the regenerashun uv the Democratic party —
there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley
and shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up
on the high ground uv offishel life. I preached
that memrable day from two texts, to wit: “Uv one
blood did he make all the nashens uv the earth,”
and “All ye are brethren;” and I orated a movin
discourse. I demonstrated with great fervor the
loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take
the trouble to create two or more races when one
wood do ez well — wich idea is alluz well receeved
in this region. All men form their idea uv the
Deity somewhat from themselves; and I never
knowd a Confedrit Cross Roader to make two
things when one wood anser. I refuted the theory,
advanced by some writers, that there wuz more
than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich
treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and
demolished the Ham doctrine at site. “Ef,” sed
I, “Noer did cuss Ham, and condemn Canaan to
be a servant unto his brethren, how do we know
that our colored brethren and sistren is the desendants
uv Ham and Canaan? It may be us for all we
know! Is it his color? Is not black jest ez convenient
a color ez white?”

“More so,” murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep,
“more so — it don't show dirt.”

“Is it his shape? O, my brethren, I ain't a
handsome man, nor wood I exactly anser for a
model for Apoller. Ef beauty, or comeliness, or
shape, or style, is to decide the pint, may the Lord
help us! Is it his smell? My brethren, the New
York World asserts that the nigger hain't no smell,
and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev? Standin
under the common flag uv our country, with his
hand upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and
his beamin eye turned exultinly toward our nashnel
emblem, the eagle, shall not our Afrikin brother be
allowed to smell jist ez he chooses? Ef smell must
be uniform, then let our Government establish a
Burow uv Perfoomery to-wunst. Besides, I take
high religious grounds in this matter. Ef he hez
a natural odor, the Lord give it to him. Let us
not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it.
Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the
colored gentleman or lady is the work uv the Lord
— the odor uv yoor unwashed feet is yoor own —
wich shood stand the highest?

“My brethren and sistren, I acknowledge that I
hev not long held these views. I hev showed the
common prejudis, and hev contemned our friends

uv color; I hev despitefully used 'em; I hev gone
for 'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz
becoz I didn't know 'em. I didn't see the kernel
of meat under the rough shell: I didn't recognize
the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal. My eyes
hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite.
Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskivered
many things too tejus to menshun. I hev
mostly found out all these things sence that occurrence.
But let us accept the situashen, and bless
the Lord that it hez resultid in developin excellences
where we didn't expect to find 'em.”

There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz
over. Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder
Gavitt shook hands with em with a degree uv corjality
I didn't expect. Trooly, them are great men.
They develop a degree uv adaptability to circumstances
wich I didn't look for. I really bleeve if
I'd a told em that it wood hev a good effeck to
kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done
it. But I spared em this. There is such a thing
ez laying it on too thick.

But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz
an eggstraordinarily heavy mail that day. In addition
to the paper wich Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper,

takes, ther wuz eight others; and to my surprise
they wuz all directed to niggers. “Wat is this?”
thot I to myself. “Hev the Ablishnists uv the
North determined upon proselytin these men, and
are they goin to flood this country with their incendiary
readin? Ez a Federal officer it's my dooty
to look into the matter!” Jist imagine my delirious
joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers
from Noo York and Ohio! “Thank Heaven!”
sed I, “our people hev awakened to a sense uv the
necessity uv doin suthin;” and I handed the papers
out to em with impressive words, exhortin uv em
to read em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the
trooth.

I ruther think they read em, for from that time
out they avoided me ez though I hed the plague.
Ef I wuz a goin down the street, and one uv em
wuz a comin up, he'd cross the street; and the
pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indicatid
that it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him.
They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers.
Unable to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and
asked why I wuz treated thus?

Delibritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them
cussid Northern papers, and openin it, pintid indignantly

to a editorial article. It wuz perfoosely
headed in this wise: —

Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this
headin, “'Pears like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good
feelin towards us colored men on de part ob de
Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to be. 'Pears
like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no
vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears
like, ef Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de country,
dar's a cussid site ob humbug a goin on down
heah!”

Wat cood I say? Wat cood I do? There it wuz
in black and white; and from papers whose Dimocrisy
could not be questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid.
The nigger stalked hawtily and proudly away in
one direckshen, while I sneaked off ruther sneakinly
in another.

I hev one word to say to our brethren in the
North. Yoo'r doublin our troubles, and makin our

burdens harder to bear. Why can't yoo understand
common sense? Wat hurt wood nigger suffrage do
yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how
much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's
millions uv em? Can't yoo see it? We can't play
the same game on the niggers that we used to play
on the sturdy yeomanry uv Berks County, Pennsylvany,
and other localities. On all questions heretofore
the Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We
hev bin Free Trade in Noo York and Tariff in
Pennsylvany the same year, and we cood do it. Sich
Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoorences from papers,
owin to their inability to perooze em rapidly, it bein
so long afore they got a word spelled out that they
forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the connection,
the continuity uv the narrative, ef I may
so speak, and wat we told em wuz gospel. That
won't do with the nigger down here. He reads, he
does; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some
sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, who reads for him,
and they know wat they know jist ez well ez anybody.
Let em stop hammerin the nigger. It won't
do. Ef he's to be a man and a brother here, he
must be a man and a brother there. Ef the Dimocrisy
must hev a race to look down on, let em turn
their attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but
from this time out the nigger is sacred.