 | XV. Ekkoes from Kentucky |  |
15. XV.
The Russian Purchase. — How it was done. —
Mr. Nasby really the Originator of the Speculation.
IT'S done! Seward did it — him and me!
The American Eagle hez coz now to screem
with redoubled energy. Ef the Nashnel bird wuz
a angel, I shood remark to it, “Toon yoor harp
anoo;” but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the
Rooshen purchis.
The idea originatid in these massive intelleck.
When I wuz here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz
a crowdin the sainted Johnson for a mishun. Cowan
wantid a mishun, and so did Doolittle; and that day
pretty much all uv the delegates to the Cleveland and
Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin some
kind uv a place; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One
the lobster) betokened long service in the party,
urged that he hed bin a delegate to both Convenshens.
“Thank God!” sed Johnson. “Wood that
both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places
only half ez much ez I am.”
I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. When
the crowd wantin places become too great for human
endoorance, I wood say, in a modrit tone, “Let's go
out and git suthin;” and to-wunst fully half wood
exclaim, “Thank yoo, I don't keer ef I do!” It
wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety,
and solissitood in the gittin uv offises and free
drinks wuz about an ekal thing. The offisis they
wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler
end; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter without
the trouble uv the former, they wuz content.
A good constooshen and a copper-lined stumick
carried me thro this tryin ordeel, until I came across
a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv the perhibitory
law, hed bin for some time on short rashens,
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wellington,
and I succumd. The man's talent wuz
wonderful.
Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair
family pertikerly. He hed did his level best for em.
He hed appinted em to Collekterships and furrin
mishuns; but the crooel Senit, wich hed no respeck
for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by
Montgomery and the old man, I sejestid the purchis
uv the Rooshen Territory, to wich not only they
cood be sent, but a thousand uv others wich we hed
on our hands; and the Sekretary wuz so pleased at
the idea that he wept like a child. With a vigor
wonderful in one so old, he set about gittin testimonials
ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to inflooence
the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to
make. And he wrote to a naval officer about it,
who answered more promptly than I ever knowd a
naval offiser to do, ez follows: —
“It's trooly a splendid country! The trade in the
skins uv white bears kin be, ef properly developed,
made enormous. There is seals there, and walruses
so tame that they come up uv their own akkord to
be ketched.
“P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a
naval stashen will be necessary. May I hope that
my long services on the Floridy Coast would prove
depot? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” &c.
A distinguished Perfessor wrote: —
“The climate is about the style uv that they hev
in Washinton. The Gulf Stream sweeps up the
coast, causing a decided twist in the isothermal line,
wich hez the effeck uv making it ruther sultry than
otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back
uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I
recommend strongly the purchis.
“P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin
expedishen will be necessary. May I hope that my
scientiffik attainments are suffishently well known
to yoo to recommend me as a proper person to head
the expedishen? May I?
“I hev the honor to be,” et settry.
The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He
wuz full uv the old fogy idea that it wuz rather
chilly there than otherwise. He hedn't faith in the
Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about the Gulf
Stream. It wuz his experience that the further
North yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he
him in Virginny and Maryland, last fall, they became
very cold ez he got North. Wher wuz the
Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then?
Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the
isothermal line twisted. He notist that the people
made it ez hot for em ez he wantid it ez fur North
ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary Welles replied, that
it only confirmed him in the opinion that for platin
vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank
any time.
Seward removed the President's objections to-wunst.
He read his letters, wich set forth the
beauties and advantages uv the country twict over.
Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and seals, and
white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sealions,
and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit
ez mild and equable ez the meridian uv Washinton.
The isothermal line wuz more accommodatin ther
than in any other part uv the world. It corkscrewed
through the territory so ez to grow fine
peaches for exportation to the States, and ice to the
Sandwich Islands, side by side. He drawd a picter
uv the white bear a rushin over the line, and disportin
hisself in fields uv green peas! Imagine, he
remarked, the delicacy uv Polar bear meat fattened
must be in which leave their watery lairs to
feed on turnips wich grow above the 60th parallel;
think uv —
“It won't do,” sed the President.
“Think uv,” retortid the Sekretary, with a quicknis
uv intellek remarkable, “think uv gettin rid
uv the Blairs forever!”
“Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?” askt
Johnson, eagerly.
“I converst with many on the subjick, and they
sed ef we cood promise that the Blairs would accept
posishens ther, they wood do it cheerfly. For
sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me, $7,000,000 is
a mere bagatelle.”
“I'll do it,” sed Johnson. “I agree with the Senators
for once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it
out uv Mrs. Cobb's share in our jint spekelashens.
Freedom from the Blair family! Good Hevings!
kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store for
me? $7,000,000! Pish!”
My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez
the vencher is from a commershl stan-pint, in a
politikle pint uv view, the advantagis will be still
heftier. The Rooshn territory will finally be the
chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already
without trouble, and the climit is favorable
to a strickly Democratic populashen. The
trouble with us here is that the amount uv likker
necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills
him afore he hez a opportoonity uv votin many
times, wich keeps us in a perpetooal minority.
Our strength is, for climatic reasons, our weaknis.
Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the happy
native may drink his quart per day — the bracin
atmosphere makin it abslootly nessary for him.
Ther is the troo Democratic paradise. How offen
hev I sighed for sich a country. Then, again, ther
are posishens uv profit. The delegates to Congriss
will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about
$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per
year, $60,000 per term. He cood afford to serve
without the paltry $5,000, wich wood be cheep
legislatin, indeed.
And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz
made by telegraph at a expense uv — I forgit eggsackly
— but I think it wuz summers in the neighborhood
uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely conclooded,
some other little incidentals wuz inclooded
by the Zar, wich run the price up to $10,200,000,
but that wuz nothin for us. Seward went at his
up into six territories (for the number uv delegates
to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all
hed to be provided for), wich wuz named, respectively,
Johnson, Seward, Cowan, Doolittle, Randall,
and Welles. For the one in the extreme North, the
furthest off, Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor;
for the next, Montgomery; and the next, the old
man, and the other three wuz held in reserve for
the pure but unfortunate patriots wich might be
hereafter rejected for the Austrian mishun. A list
wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various convenshuns,
and them ez hed bin martyred by the
Senit; ther names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift
Enterprises, and the Judgeships, Marshalships,
Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by lot. This ijee
was sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the
appintments from his department hed alluz bin
made in this manner, ez it saved time in eggsaminin
petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sich. In this way,
about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent. uv
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin provided
for.
The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The
Administration feelin the releef it hez gin em, are
territory kin, by makin uv em a little smaller, be
divided up into — say, forty — which, by makin a
few more offises for each, and bein libral with
explorin expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to
give places to all who really have claims upon us
and who are pushin us.
The President breathes easier, and the Secretary
is placid ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the
Gordian knot; he hez releeved hisself uv the boa
constrickter wich wuz crushin him in its folds.
Happiness pervades the White House.
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle
& Military Institoot.
| XV. Ekkoes from Kentucky | |