University of Virginia Library

4. BOOK IV.

1. CHAP. I.
Containing preliminary Observations.

I AM very happy in the composition of
this work; for though but of a trifling
nature as to sentiment; yet, in what I do
write, no one can attribute to me the least
tincture of satire, or ridicule of individuals
or public bodies. This is what I very much
dislike in others, and would be far from
indulging in myself. I acknowledge, indeed,
that in my earlier years, and in the
course of my academical studies, I had
contracted some taste, and even habit, this
way; owing to my reading the dialogues
of Lucian, in the original Greek. Had I
read them in a translation, they might have

made less impression. But by means of a
difficult language, studying them slowly,
the turn of thought became more deeply
impressed upon my mind. Moreover, afterwards,
when I came to have some acquaintance
with the modern wits, such as
Cervantes, Le Sage, and especially Swift,
I found myself still more inclined to an ironical,
ludicrous way of thinking and writing.
But finding the bad effects of this,
in many respects, leading me into broils
with individuals, and rendering me obnoxious
to public bodies, I saw the indiscretion,
and bad policy of such indulgence;
and have for several years past, carefully
avoided every thing of this kind. It is indeed
acting but a poor part in life, to make
a business of laughing at the follies of others.
It is injurious to one's self; for there
is a great deal more to be gained by soothing
and praising what men do, than by
finding fault with them. It may be said
of satire, what was said of anger by some
philosopher, It never pays the service it requires.
It is your scratching, rump-tickling people, that get into place and power.
I never knew any good come of wit and
humour yet. They are talents which keep
the owner poor. For this reason, I have
taken care to repress all propensity to this
vice; and I believe I can say it with truth,
that since I have come to the years of a
man's understanding, I have carefully avoided
every thing of this nature. Had it
not been for this prudence, I should not
have been in a fair way, as I now am, to
be a member of Congress, or a judge on
the bench, or governor of a commonwealth,
or secretary of state, or any thing
that I may have in view. Had I remained
an admirer of Rabelais, or Sterne, or other
biting, jeering writers, that I at first
met with, I might at this day have been considered
as a wit only, without the least advancement
in state affairs. But I would
sooner see your Juniuses, and your Peter
Pindars, libelling kings and ministers, at
hell, than sacrifice my interest to my passion,
or my vanity, by strokes of wit, which
is but another name for ill-nature.

In this treatise, which is simply a relation
of the adventures of an individual,
I have nothing to do with strictures upon
particular persons, or the affairs of men
in general, and so have no temptation to the
folly I have just mentioned. The reader,
if any body ever reads it, will find nothing

here but philanthropic and benevolent
ideas.

Indeed, as it has been known that I
was engaged in writing something, persons
who either took, or pretended to take,
some interest in my affairs, have urged
me very much to depart a little from my usual
way, and make use of a little irony, by
way of seasoning to the composition; for,
in this case, it would be received better,
and procure more readers; mankind being
naturally delighted with ridicule. But
the truth was, I could see nothing to be
ironical about; owing, perhaps, to my
not being in the habit of looking for the
ridiculous, and so having lost the talent
of discovering it. But my resolution that
I had taken would have fully preserved me
from such a lapse, however numerous the
objects of ridicule might be, that presented
themselves. This will serve as an apology
to those who have solicited me on this
head, and relieve me from such solicitations
for the future.

2. CHAP. II.

DETAINING some time in a village,
there was a great deal said about
a certain Miss Fog, who was the
belle of the place. Her father had made
a fortune by the purchuse of public securities
A garrison having been at this
place, and troops quartered here, he had
been employed as an issuing commissary!
When the commissioners sat to adjust unliquidated
claims, he had a good deal in
his power, by vouching for the accounts
of the butcher, and baker, and wood-cutter, and water-drawer, and waggoner, and
all others of all occupations whatsoever,
whose claims were purchased by himself,
in the mean time, and when the certificates
issued in their names, they were to
his use. The butcher and baker, no doubt,
long before had been paid out of the flesh
killed, or bread baked; because it is a
good maxim, and a scriptural expression,
“Muzzle not the ox that treadeth out
the corn.” But the public has a broad

back, and a little vouching, by a person
interested, is not greatly felt. These
certificates, though at first of little value,
and issued by the commissioners with
the liberality of those who give what is of
little worth, yet by the funding acts of the
government, having become, in value, equal
to gold and silver, the commissary
had a great estate thrown upon him; so
that, from low beginnings, he had become
a man of fortune and consequence. His
family, and especially the eldest daughter,
shared the advantage; for she had become
the object of almost all wooers. The Captain,
though an old bachelor, as we have
said, had not wholly lost the idea of matrimony.
Happening to be in a circle, one
evening, where Miss Fog was, he took
a liking to her, in all respects save one,
which was, that she seemed, on her part,
to have taken a liking to a certain Mr.
Jacko, who was there present; and to
whose attention she discovered a facility
of acquiescence. The Captain behaved,
for the present, as if he did not observe
the preference; but the following day,
waiting on the young lady at her father's
house, he drew her into conversation, and
began to reason with her, in the following
manner:

Miss Fog, said he, you are a young lady
of great beauty, great sense, and fortune
still greater than either.—This was a sad
blunder in a man of gallantry, but the
lady not being of the greatest sensibility
of nerve, did not perceive it.—On my
part, said he, I am a man of years, but a
man of some reflection; and it would be
much more adviseable in you to trust my
experience, and the mellowness of my
disposition in a state of matrimony, than
the vanity and petulence of this young fop
Jacko, for whom you shew a partiality.
The colour coming into the young lady's
face at this expression, she withdrew, and
left him by himself. The Captain struck
with the rudeness, withdrew also, and,
calling Teague from the kitchen, mounted
his horse and set off.

The next morning shortly after he had
got out of bed, and had just come down
stairs at his lodging, and was buttoning the
knees of his breeches, a light airy looking
young man, with much bowing and civility,
entered the hall of the public house,
and enquiring if this was not Captain Farrago
to whom he had the honour to address

himself, delivered him a paper. On
the perusal, it was found to be a challenge
from Mr. Jacko.

The fact was, that Miss Fog, in order the
more to recommend herself to her suitor,
had informed him of the language of the
Captain. The young man, though he had
no great stomach for the matter, yet according
to the custom of these times, could do
no less than challenge. The bearer was
was what is called his second.

The Captain having read the paper, and
pausing a while, said, Mr. Second, for that
I take to be your stile and character, is it
consistent with reason or common sense,
to be the aider or abettor of another man's
folly; perhaps the prompter: for it is no
uncommon thing with persons to inflame
the passions of their frends, rather than
allay them. This young woman, for I
shall not call her lady, from vanity, or
ill-nature, or both, has become a tale-bearer
to her lover, who, I will venture
to say, thanks her but little for it; as she
has thereby rendered it necessary for him
to take this step. You, in the mean time,
are not blameless, as it became you to have
declined the office, and thereby furnished
an excuse to your friend for not complying

with the custom. For it would have
been a sufficient apology with the lady to
have said, although he was disposed to
fight, yet he could get no one to be his armour-bearer
or assistant. It could have
been put upon the footing, that all had
such regard for his life, that no one would
countenance him in risking it. You would
have saved him by this means, all that uneasiness
which he feels at present, least I
should accept his challenge. I am not so
unacquainted with human nature, as not
to know how disagreeable it must be to
think of having a pistol ball lodged in the
groin or the left breast, or, to make the
best of it, the pan of the knee broke, or
the nose cut off, or some wound less than
mortal given; disagreeable, especially to
to a man in the bloom of life, and on the
point of marriage with a woman to whose
person or fortune he has no exception. I
would venture to say, therefore, there will
be no great difficulty in appeasing this Orlando
Furioso, that has sent me the challenge.
Did you know the state of his
mind, you would find him at prayers this
moment, that I would ease his fears, and
make some apology. A very slight one
would suffice. I dare say, his resentment
against Miss Fog is not slight, and
that he would renounce her person and
fortune both, to get quit of the duel. But
the opinion of the world is against him,
and he must fight. Do you think he has
any great gratitude to you for your services
on this occasion. He had much rather
you had, in the freedom of friendship,
given him a kick on the backside, when
he made application to you; and told him,
that it did not become him to quarrel about
a woman, who had, probably, consulted
but her own vanity, in giving him
the information. In that case, he would
have been more pleased with you a month
hence, than he is at present. I do not
know that he has an overstock of sense;
nevertheless, he cannot be just such a fool,
as not to consider, that you, yourself,
may have pretensions to this belle, and
be disposed to have him out of the way
before you. He must be a fool, indeed,
if he does not reflect, that you had much
rather see us fight than not; from the very
same principle that we take delight in seeing
a cock-match, or a horse-race. The
spectacle is new, and produces a brisk current
of thought through the mind; which
is a constituent of pleasure, the absence
of all movement giving none at all.

What do you suppose I must think of
you, Mr. Second; I, who have read books,
and thought a little on the subject; have
made up my mind in these matters, and
account the squires that bring challenges
from knights, as people of but very small
desert. Thinking men have condemned
the duel, and laws have prohibited it;
but these miscreants still keep it up, by
being the conductors of the fluid. My
indignation, therefore, falls on such, and
I have long ago fixed on the mode of
treating them. It is this: a stout athletic
man calls upon me, with a challenge in his
hand, I knock him down, if I can, without
saying a word. If the natural arm be not
sufficient for this purpuse, I avail myself
of any stone, wooden, or iron instrument
that I cast my eye upon, not just to take
away his life, if I can help it; but to hit
the line as exactly as possible, between actual
homicide, and a very bad wound. For
in this case, I should conceive, a battery
could be justifiable, or at least excuseable,
and the fine not very great; the bearing
a challenge being a breach of the peace,
in the first instance. This would be my

conduct with a stout athletic man, whom
I might think it dangerous to encounter
with fair warning, and on equal terms.
But in the present case, where—(Here
the second began to shew signs of fear,
raising himself, and inclining backwards,
opening his eyes wider, and casting a look
towards the door)—where, continued the
Captain, I have to do with a person of
your slender make, I do not adopt that
surprise, or use an artificial weapon; but
with these fists, which have been used in
early life to agricultural employments, I
shall very deliberately impress a blow. The
second rising to his feet, began to recede
a little. Be under no apprehensions, said
the Captain; I shall use no unfair method
of biting, gouging, or wounding the private
parts. Nay, as you appear to be a
young man of a delicate constitution, I
shall only choak a little. You will give
me leave to take you by the throat in as
easy a manner as possible.

In the mean time, the second had been
withdrawing towards the door, and the
Captain with outstretched arms, in a sideway
direction, proceeding to intercept him.
In an instant, he was seized by the neck,
and the exclamation of murder which he

made at the first grasp, began to die away
in hoarse guttural murmurs of one nearly
strangled, and labouring for breath. The
Captain meaning that he should be more
alarmed than hurt, dismissed him with a salutation
of his foot on the backside, as a
claude ostium, as he went out. You may
be, said he, a gentleman in the opinion of
the world; but you are a low person in
mine; and so shall it be done to every one
who shall come upon such an errand.

3. CHAP. III.

HAVING thus dismissed the secondary
man, he called in his servant
Teague, and accosted him as follows:
Teague, said he, you have heretofore discovered
an ambition to be employed in
some way that would advance your reputation.
There is now a case fallen out, to
which you are fully competent. It is not
a matter that requires the head to contrive,
but the hand to execute. The greatest
fool is as fit for it as a wise man. It is indeed
your greatest blockheads that chiefly
undertake it. The knowledge of law, physic,
or divinity is out of the question. Literature,
and political understanding is
useless. Nothing more is necessary than a
little resolution of the heart. Yet it is an
undertaking which is of much estimation
with the rabble, and has a great many on
its side to approve and praise it. The females
of the world, especially admire the
act, and call it valour. I know you wish
to stand well with the ladies. Here is an

opportunity of advancing your credit. I
have had what is called a challenge sent me
this morning. It is from a certain Jacko,
who is a suitor to a Miss Fog, and has taken
offence at an expression of mine, respecting
him to this female. I wish you to
accept the challenge, and fight him for me.

At this proposition, Teague looked wild,
and made apology that he was not much
used to boxing. Boxing, said the Captain;
you are to fight what is called a duel.
You are to encounter him with pistol, and
put a bullet through him if you can. It
is true, he will have the chance of putting
one through you; but in that consists the
honour; for where there is no danger,
there is no glory. You will provide yourself
a second. There is an hostler here at
the public house, that is a brave fellow,
and will answer the purpose. Being furnished
with a second, you will provide
yourself with a pair of pistols, powder and
ball of course. In the mean time, your
adversary notified of your intentions, will
do the like. Thus apparalelled, you will
advance to the place agreed upon. The
ground will be measured out; ten, seven,
or five steps; back to back, and coming
round to your place, fire. Or taking your

ground, stand still and fire; or it may be,
advance and fire as you meet, at what distance
you think proper. The rules in this
respect are not fixed, but as the parties can
agree or the seconds point out. When you
come to fire, be sure you keep a steady
hand, and take good aim. Remember
that the pistol barrel being short, the powder
is apt to throw the bullet up. Your
sight therefore, ought to be about the
waist-band of his breeches, so that you
have the whole length of his body, and his
head into the bargain, to come and go upon.
It is true, he in the mean time, will
take the same advantages of you. He may
hit you about the groin, or the belly. I
have known some shot in the thigh, or the
leg, or the private parts. The throat also,
and the head are in themselves vulnerable.
It is no uncommon thing to have an arm
broke, or a splinter struck off the nose, or
an eye shot out; but as in that case, the
ball mostly passes through the brain, and
the man being dead at any rate, the loss
of sight is not greatly felt.

As the Captain spoke, Teague seemed
to feel in himself, every wound which was
described, the ball hitting him, now in
one part, and now in another. At the last

words, it seemed to pass through his head,
and he was half dead, in imagination.
Making a shift to express himself, he gave
the Captain to understand, that he could
by no means undertake the office. What!
said the Captain; you whom nothing would
serve, some time ago, but to be a legislator,
or philosopher, or preacher, in order
to gain fame, will now detract a business
for which you are qualified. This requires
no knowledge of finances, no reading of
natural history, or any study of the fathers.
You have nothing more to do than to keep
a steady hand and a good eye.

In the early practice of this exercise; I
mean the combat of the duel, it was customary
to exact an oath of the combatants,
before they entered the lists, that
they had no enchantments, or power of
witchcraft, about them. Whether you
should think it necessary to put him to his
voir dire, on this point, I shall not say;
but I am persuaded, that on your part,
you have too much honour, to make use of
spells, or undue means, to take away his
life, or save your own. You will leave all
to the chance of fair shooting. One thing
you will observe, and which is allowable
in this battle, you will take care not

to present yourself to him with a full
breast, but angularly, and your head turned
round over the left shoulder, like a weather
cock. For thus a smaller surface being
presented to an adversary, he will be
less likely to hit you. You must throw
your legs into lines parallel, and keep them
one directly behind the other. Thus you
will stand like a sail hauled close to the
wind. Keep a good countenance, a sharp
eye, and a sour look; and if you feel any
thing like a cholic or a palpitation of the
heart, make no noise about it. If the ball
should take you in the gills, or the gizzard,
fall down as decently as you can,
and die like a man of honour.

It was of no use to urge the matter; the
Irishman was but the more opposed to the
proposition, and utterly refused to be after
fighting in any such manner. The Captain
finding this to be the case, dismissed
him to clean his boots and spurs, and rub
down his horse in the stable.

4. CHAP. IV.

ON reflection, it seemed adviseable to
the Captain to write an answer to the
card which Colonel, or Major Jacko, or
whatever his title may have been, had sent
him this morning. It was as follows:

5. CHAP. V.
Containing Reflections.

CAPTAIN Farrago was a good man,
but unacquainted with the world.
His ideas were drawn chiefly from what
may be called the old school; the Greek
and Roman notions of things. The combat
of the duel was to them unknown.
Though it seems strange, that a people who
were famous for almost all arts and sciences,
should have remained ignorant of its
use. I do not conceive how, as a people,
they could exist without it. But so it was,
they actually were without the knowledge
of it. For we do not find any trace of this
custom in the poets or historians of all
antiquity.

I do not know at what period, precisely,
the custom was introduced; or to whom
it was owing; but omitting this disquisition,
we content ourselves with observing,
that it has produced as great improvement
in manners, as the discovery of the load-stone,

and mariner's compass, has at navigation.
Not that I mean to descant, at full
length, on the valuable effects of it; but
simply to observe, that it is a greater aid
to government than the alliance of church
and state itself. If Dr. Warburton had
had leisure, I could wish he had written a
treatise upon it. Some affect to ridicule
it, as carrying to a greater length small
differences, than the aggravation may justify.
As for instance, a man is angry enough
with you to give you a slap in the
face; but the custom says, he must shoot
you through the head. I think the smaller
the aggravation, the nicer the sense of honour.
The heaviest mind will resent a
gross affront; but to kill a man where
there is no affront at all, shews a great
sensibility. It is immaterial whether there
is or is not an injury, provided the world
thinks there is; for it is the opinion of
mankind we are to consult. It is a duty
which we owe them to provide for their
amusement. Non nasscimur nobis ipsis; we
are not born for ourselves, but for others.
Decorum pro patria mori; it is a becoming
thing to die for one's country; and shall
it not also be accounted honourable to
throw one's life away for the entertainment
of a few particular neighbours and
acquaintances. It is true, the tears that
will be shed upon your grave, will not
make the grass grow; but you will have
the consolation, when you leave the world,
to have fallen in the bed of honour.

It is certainly a very noble institution,
that of the duel; and it has been carried
to very great perfection, in some respects.
Nevertheless, I would submit it to the public,
whether still further improvement
might not be made in the laws and regutions
of it. For instance, could it not be
reduced nearer to an equality of chances,
by proportioning the caliber, or bore
or the pistol; the length of the barrel,
also, to the size of the duellist who holds
it; or by fixing the ratio of distance in
proportion to the bulk of combatants.
To explain myself: When I am to fight
a man of a small size, I ought to have a
longer pistol than my adversary, because
my mark is smaller; or I ought to be permitted
to come nearer to him. For it is
altogether unfair that men of unequal bulk
should fire at equal distances, and with
equal calibers. The smaller size multiplied
by the larger space, or larger pistol,
would equal the larger size multiplied by

the smaller space or smaller pistol. If this
amendment of the duel laws should be approved
by men of honour, let it be added
to the code.