University of Virginia Library

5. BOOK V.

1. CHAP. I.

NOT long after this, being at a certain
place, the Captain was accosted
by a stranger in the following manner:
Captain Farrago, said he, I have heard
of a young man in your service who talks
Irish. Now, Sir, my business is that of
an Indian treaty-maker; and am on my
way with a party of kings, and half kings
to the commissioners, to hold a treaty.
My king of the Kickapoos, who was a
Welch blacksmith, took sick by the way,
and is dead. I have heard of this lad of
yours, and could wish to have him a while
to supply his place. The treaty will not
last longer than a couple of weeks; and
as the government will probably allow
three or four thousand dollars for the treaty,

it will be in our power to make it worth
your while, to spare him for that time.
Your king of the Kickapoos, said the Captain;
what does that mean? Said the stranger,
it is just this: You have heard of the
Indian nations to the westward, that occasionally
make war upon the frontier settlements.
It has been a policy of government,
to treat with these, and distribute
goods. Commissioners are appointed for
that purpose. Now you are not to suppose
that it is always an easy matter to catch a
real chief, and bring him from the woods;
or if at some expence one was brought,
the goods would go to his use; whereas,
it is much more profitable to hire substitutes
and make chiefs of our own: And
as some unknown gibberish is necessary,
to pass for an Indian language, we generally
make use of Welch, or Low Dutch,
or Irish; or pick up an ingenious fellow
here and there, who can imitate a language
by sounds of his own, in his mouth,
and throat. But we prefer one who can
speak a real tongue, and give more for
him. We cannot afford you a great deal
at this time for the use of your man; because
it is not a general treaty where
20,000, or 30,000, dollars are appropriated
for the purpose of holding it; but an occasional,
or what we call a running treaty,
by way of brightening the chain, and holding
fast friendship. The commissioners
will doubtless be glad to see us, and procure
from government an allowance for
the treaty. For the more treaties, the
more use for commissioners. The business
must be kept up, and treaties made if there
are none of themselves. My Pianksha,
and Choctaw chiefs, are very good fellows;
the one of them a Scotch pedlar that talks
the Erse; the other has been some time
in Canada, and has a little broken Indian,
God knows what language; but has been
of great service in assisting to teach the rest
some Indian custom and manners. I have
had the whole of them for a fortnight past
under my tuition, teaching them war
songs and dances, and to make responses
at the treaty. If your man is tractable, I
can make him a Kickapoo in about nine
days. A breech-clout and leggins, that I
took off the blacksmith that died, I have
ready to put on him. He must have part
of his head shaved, and painted, with feathers
on his crown; but the paint will rub
off, and the hair grow in a short time, so
that he can go about with you again.

It is a very strange affair, said the Captain.
Is it possible that such deception
can be practised in a new country. It astonishes
me, that the government does
not detect such imposition. The government,
said the Indian treaty-man, is at
a great distance. It knows no more of
Indians than a cow does of Greek. The
legislature, hears of wars and rumours
of wars, and supports the executive in
forming treaties. How is it possible for
men who live remote from the scene of
action, to have adequate ideas of the nature
of Indians, or the transactions that
are carried on in their behalf. Do you
think the one half of those savages that
come to treat, are real representatives of
the nation. Many of them are not savages
at all; but weavers, and pedlars, as I
have told you, picked up to make kings
and chiefs. I speak of those particularly
that come trading down to inland towns,
or the metropolis. I would not communicate
these mysteries of our trade, were it
not that I confide in your good sense,
and have occasion for your servant.

It is a mystery of iniquity, said the
Captain. Do you suppose that I would
countenance such a fraud upon the public?

I do not know, said the other; it is
a very common thing for men to speculate,
now a-days. If you will not, another will.
An 100 dollars might as well be in your
pocket as another man's. I will give you that
for the use of your servant, for a week or
two, and say no more about it. It is an
idea new to me entirely, said the Captain,
that Indian princes, whom I have seen
escorted down as such, were no more
than trumpery, disguised, as you mention;
that such should be introduced to
polite assemblies, and have the honour to
salute the fair ladies with a kiss, the greatest
beauties thinking themselves honoured
by having the salutation of a sovereign?
It is so, said the other; I had a red headed
bricklayer once, whom I passed for a
Chippawaw; and who has dined with
clubs, and sat next the President. He
was blind of an eye, and was called blind
Sam by the traders. I had given it out
that he was a great warrior, and had lost
his eye by an arrow, in a contest with a
rival nation. These things are now reduced
to a system; and it is so well known
to those who are engaged in the traffic,
that we think nothing of it.

How the devil, said the Captain, do

you get speeches made, and interpret them
so as to pass for truth. That is an easy
matter, said the other; Indian speeches are
nearly all alike. You have only to talk
of burying hatchets under large trees,
kindling fires, brightening chains; with a
demand, at the latter end, of blankets for
the backside, and rum to get drunk with.

I much doubt, said the Captain, whether
treaties that are carried on in earnest,
are of any great use. Of none at all, said
the other; especially as the practice of
giving goods prevails; because this is an
inducement to a fresh war. This being the
case, it can be no harm to make a farce
of the whole matter; or rather a profit
of it; by such means as I propose to
you, and have pursued myself.

After all, said the Captain, I cannot
but consider it as a kind of contraband
and illicit traffic; and I must be excused
from having any hand in it. I shall not
betray your secret, but I shall not favour
it. It would ill become me, whose object
in riding about in this manner, is to give
just ideas on subjects, to take part in such
ill-gotten gain.

The Indian-treaty man finding it in vain
to say more, withdrew.

2. CHAP. II.

THE Captain apprehending that he
might not yet drop his designs upon
the Irishman, but be tampering with him
out of doors, should he come across him,
sent for Teague. For he well knew, that
should the Indian treaty man get the first
word of him, the idea of making him a
king, would turn his head, and it would be
impossible to prevent his going with him.

Teague coming in, said the Captain to
him; Teague, I have discovered in you,
for some time past, a great spirit of ambition,
which is, doubtless, commendable
in a young person; and I have checked it
only in cases where there was real danger,
or apparent mischief. There is now an
opportunity of advancing yourself, not so
much in the way of honour as profit. But
profit brings honour, and is, indeed, the
most substantial support of it. There has
been a man here with me, that carries on
a trade with the Indians, and tells me that
red-headed scalps are in great demand with

them. If you could spare yours, he would
give a good price for it. I do not well
know what use they make of this article,
but so it is the traders find their account in
it. Probably they dress it with the hairy
fide out, and make tobacco pouches for
the chiefs, when they meet in council. It
faves dyeing, and besides, the natural red
hair of a man, may, in their estimation,
be superior to any colour they can give by
art. The taking off the scalp will not give
much pain, it is so dextrously done by them
with a crooked knife they have for that
purpose. The mode of taking off the scalp
is this; you lie down upon your back;
a warrior puts his feet upon your shoulders,
collects your hair in his left hand,
and drawing a circle with the knife in his
right, makes the incision, and, with a sudden
pull, separates it from the head, giving,
in the mean time, what is called the
scalp yell. The thing is done in such an
instant, that the pain is scarcely felt. He
offered me an 100 dollars, if I would have
it taken off for his use, giving me directions,
in the mean time, how to stretch it
and dry it on a hoop. I told him, No;
it was a perquisite of your own, and you
might dispose of it as you thought proper.
If you chose to dispose of it, I had no objections;
but the bargain should be of
your own making, and the price such as
should please yourself. I have sent for you,
to give you a hint of this chapman, that
you may have a knowledge of his wish to
possess the property, and ask accordingly.
It is probable you may bring him up to a
half Johannes more, by holding out a little.
But I do not think it would be adviseable
to lose the bargain. An hundred
dollars for a little hairy flesh, is a great
deal. You will trot a long time before
you make that with me. He will be with
you probably to propose the purchase. You
will know when you see him. He is a tall
looking man, with leggins on, and has several
Indians with him going to a treaty.
He talked to me something of making you
a king of the Kickapoos, after the scalp is
off; but I would not count on that so
much; because words are but wind, and
promises are easily broken. I would advise
you to make sure of the money in
the first place, and take chance for the
rest.

I have seen among the prints of Hogarth,
some such expression of countenance as
that of Teague at this instant; who, as

soon as he could speak, but with a double
brogue on his tongue, began to intimate
his disinclination to the traffic. The hair
of his scalp itself, in the mean time had
risen in opposition to it. Dear master, vid
you trow me into ridicule, and the blessed
shalvation of my life, and all dat I have in
the vorld, to be trown like a dog to de
savages, and have my flesh tarn of my head
to give to dese vild bastes to make a napsack
to carry their parates and tings in, for
an 100 dollars or the like. It shall never
be said that the hair of the Oregans made
mackeseens for a vild Indian to trat upon.
I would sooner trow my own head hair and
all in de fire, dan give it to dese paple to
smoke wid, out of deir long pipes.

If this be your determination, said the
Captain, it will behove you to keep yourself
somewhat close; and while we remain
at this public house, avoid any conversation
with the chapman or his agents, should
they come to tamper with you. For it is
not improbable, while they are keeping
you in talk, proposing to make you a
Kickapoo chief, and the like, they may
snatch the scalp of your head, and you
not be the wiser for it.

Teague thought the caution good, and

resolving to abide by it, retired to the kitchen.
The maid at this time, happening
to want a log of wood, requested Teague
to cut it for her. Taking the ax accordingly,
and going out, he was busy chopping,
with his head down; while, in the
mean time, the Indian treaty-man had returned
with one in Indian dress, who was
the chief of the Killinoos, or at least passed
for such; and whom he brought as having
some recruiting talents, and might
prevail with Teague to elope, and join the
company. I presume, said the Indian
treaty-man, you are the waiter of the
Captain who lodges here at present. Teague
hearing a man speak, and lifting up his
head, saw the leggins on the one, and the
Indian dress on the other; and with a
kind of involuntary effort, threw the ax
directly from him at the Killinoo. It
missed him but about an inch, and fell behind.
Teague, in the mean time, raising
a shout of desperation, was fixed on the spot,
and his locomotive faculties suspended; so
that he could neither retreat nor advance,
but stood still, like one enchained or enchanted
for a moment; the king of the
Killinoos, in the mean time, drawing his
tomahawk, and preparing for battle.

The Captain, who was reading at a
front window, hearing the shout, looked
about, and saw what going on at the woodpile.
Stop villain, said he, to the king of
the Killinoos; you are not to take that
scalp yet, however much you may value
it. He will not take an 100 dollars for
it, nor 500, though you make him king of
the Kickapoos, or any thing else. It is no
trifling matter to have the ears slit in tatters,
and the nose run through with a bodkin,
and a goose quill stuck a cross; so
that you may go about your business; you
will get no king of the Kickapoos here.
Under cover of this address of the Captain,
Teague had retired to the kitchen, and
ensconced himself behind the rampart of
the maid. The Indian treaty-man, and
the Killinoo chief, finding the measure
hopeless, withdrew, and turned their attention,
it is to be supposed, to some other
quarter, to find a king of the Kickapoos.

3. CHAP. III.
Containing Observations.

THE Captain was certainly to be commended
in declining to countenance
the imposition of making Teague a Kickapoo
chief. Had he been disposed to adventure
in a contraband trade of this
kind, he might have undertaken it as a
principal, and not as furnishing an assistant
only. He could have passed Teague
for a chief, and himself for an interpreter.
He might pretend to have conducted this
prince from a very distant nation, and that
he had been several moons in travelling,
and wanted, the Lord knows how much,
goods for his people, that otherwise would
come to war. By this means, the Captain
would have taken the whole emolument
of the treaty, and not have been put
off with a small share of the profit which
another made by it.

I should like to have seen Teague in
an Indian dress, come to treat with the

commissioners. It would be necessary for
him only to talk Irish, which he might pass
for the Shawanee, or other language. The
Captain could have interpreted in the usual
words on these occasions.

The policy of treating with the Indians
is very good; because it takes off a great
deal of loose merchandize, that might otherwise
lie upon our hands, and cuts
away superfluities from the finances of
the government; at the same time, as every
fresh treaty lays the foundation of a
new war, it will serve to check the too rapid
growth of the settlements. The extremities
of a government, like the arm or
ancle of an individual, are the parts at
which blood is to be let.

Struck with the good effects of treating
with the savages, and that our wise men
who conduct affairs, pursue the policy, I
have been led to wonder, that the agricultural
societies, have not proposed treaties
with the wolves and bears, that they
might not clandestinely invade our sheep
and pig folds. This might be done by
sending messages to the several ursine and
vulpine nations, and calling them to a council
fire, to which four or five hundred waggon
load of beef should be sent, and distributed.

If it should be said, that this would
restrain them no longer from their prey
than while they continued to be satiated,
the same might be said of the Potawatamies,
or other Indian nations; and yet
we see that those at the head of our affairs
think it prudent to negotiate with them.

A bear and wolf treaty might seem an
odd thing at first; but we should soon come
to be accustomed to it. I should be sorry
abuses should prevail, by treaty-making
men passing rough water-dogs for bears,
or mastiffs for wolves, upon our secretaries
at war, or subordinate commissioners;
which might be done as in the case of the
savages, where it is pretended that some
tribe that had not been at the general treaty,
now sends a chief to represent them
and to get goods.

If our traders go amongst the wolves in
consequence of a treaty, I could wish they
could check themselves in the introduction
of spirituous liquors. A drunk wolf, or
bear, would be a dangerous animal. It
may be thought, that a bear or wolf chief
would not get drunk, as it would be setting
a bad example to their people; but I
have seen Indian kings lying on the earth
drunk, and exposing their nakedness, like

Noah to Shem, Ham, and Japheth; and
if Indians that are a sort of human creature,
act thus, what might we not expect
from a poor brute wolf or bear.

If treaties with the wolves and bears
should be found to succeed, it might not be
amiss to institute them also with the foxes.
This is a sagacious animal, and particularly
destructive to ducks and other fowls.
It would be a great matter to settle a treaty
with them, which might be done at the expence
of nine or ten thousand dollars laid
out in goods.