University of Virginia Library

3. BOOK III.

1. CHAP. I.

The circumstance of having been at the
levee, and having made a speech in the
beer-house, which had been much approved,
and above all, it being announced
that he was a candidate for state employment,
had made the bog-trotter a pretty
general theme of conversation. Sundry
persons who were expectants upon government,
had procured themselves to be
introduced to him, as supposing that when
in office, by and bye, he might have it in
his power to do them service. Even by
those that were in government, in the
legislative, executive, or diplomatic line,
he was not neglected. Several members
of Congress had left cards. Assistants,
and deputy assistants in offices, foreign
consuls, two or three directors and cashiers
of banks, had waited upon him and paid
him their compliments.

His name became known in the gay
world, and by a gradual introduction, he
had become acquainted in some of the best
families of the city. The ladies, in general,
were much taken with him. They
thought him a plain, frank, blunt spoken
Irish gentleman; not harrassing them with
deep observations, drawn from books, or
an ostentation of learning; but always
saying something gallant, and complimentary
of their persons, or accomplishments;
such as God love your shoul, my dear
cratur, but you are de beauty of de
world. Sleeping or waking, I could
take you to my heart, and ate you wid
de very love o' d' my shoul dat I have
for you. De look o' d' dur face, like
de sun or de moon, run trugh me, and
burn up like a coal o' d' de fire; dat I
am shick and fainting to take du to my
arms, my dear cratur.

Declarations of this nature, made without
any ambiguity, and warm and violent
in their nature, had rendered him, as I
have said, pretty generally a favorite of
the ladies: far indeed beyond any thing
which the Captain, simple and ignorant
of the world, had ever imagined: his
astonishment therefore was not small, a
day or two after this, when walking the

street, he saw a carriage, pass by, with
a gentleman and lady; and on asking
whose carriage that was, and who the
gentleman that was in it; for he was
struck with some resemblance of the bog-trotter;
it was answered, that it was the
carriage of Mr. Haberdasher, a merchant
of the city, whose lady was taking an
airing it would seem with Major O'Regan,
a member of Congress, or Ambassador,
or something that was just come to town.
God Almighty! thought the Captain; is
it possible. I see that I have been a fool,
all my life, and though just going out of
the world, am but beginning to get experience
to live in it. I had been led by
his own confidence, and by the opinion of
others, though with great doubts, on my
part, to suppose it possible that he might
have come to be of some respect in government,
the discharge of an office, requiring
rather solid, than brilliant parts;
but that in so short a time, or indeed, after
any period, he should become a favorite
of females of taste and fashion,
never entered into my head at all: and
forsooth they have given him the appellation
of Major, though he is about as much
a Major as my horse.

Such were the ideas which the circumstance
of Teague in a carriage with a fine
lady, naturally produced in his mind.
Nor indeed should we think them unreasonable,
were it not that we know there
was nothing extraordinary in the case.
For though abstractedly considered, it
would seem improbable that the female
mind of great delicacy, and refinement,
should be captivated by a rough and gross
object; yet we know that the fact is in
nature, and we must leave it to the philosophers
to account for it. Nor will this
be any difficult task, when we consider the
powers of imagination. Here was a new
object, unknown as to its origin, and
high as to its pretensions; and what is novel,
and not fully comprehended, and lofty
in its nature, has a supereminent dominion
over the human mind. Hence the proverb,
“far fetched, and dear bought, is good
for ladies.” But on the present occasion,
a particular principle operated in favour
of the bog-trotter: viz. the taste and
fashion of the day. For, as, in the age of
chivalry, a knight was the only object in
request, and at the beginning of the revolution
in America, a Baron, or a Count
from France or Germany was the ton,
so now, since the adoption of the federal

constitution, the appurtenant officers of
government are the only characters in
vogue. And as in the first instance, mere
squires had been taken for knights, and
passed very well, and in the second case,
taylors and barbers, had slurred themselves
for gentry or nobility, what could hinder
the bog-trotter from availing himself of
the whim of the day, and be taken for
a person qualified to fill any place in government,
from the bare pretending to
it? And being once taken for such, what
prodigy was there in his being in request
with the females, and all the first families
of the city, who might be ambitious, and
vie with each other, in having him married
to a niece or a daughter, that so being
raised above plebians by the connection,
they might be considered as of a pratrician
degree? Let the principle be what it
would, whether taste, or ambition, the
fact was, that the bog-trotter was courted
and carressed by all the first people: there
could be no card party without Major
O'Regan. A young lady sitting by a gentleman
in any house, and seeing him
pass by, would start up, and run to
the window and say, O, there is Major
O'Regan. When he was in company,
and would laugh, and put out his tongue,
as if he was about to sing, Lilibullero, the
young ladies would laugh too; not that
there was any jest, in what he or they
said, but just because the Major had laughed.
When he would put out his great
paw to touch the hand of any of them,
O, la! Major, one would say, O, now!
Major, another would say; don't now
Major, a third would exclaim, rather to
attract his attention, than to repress his
advances. The fact was, there seemed to
be a kind of Teagueomania, amongst the
females, so that all idea of excellence,
personal, or mental was centered in him,
and all common lovers, were neglected,
or repulsed on his account. A melancholy
instance of this kind occured to the
Captain the following day, when walking
by the margin of the river on which the
city stood, and towards a grove of wood,
which skirted it on the south, he observed
a man sitting on a tuft of the bank, with
his head reclining forward, in a melancholy
position, and looking down upon the
wave beneath him, in the manner in which
Achilles is described by the poet Homer,
as looking on the purple ocean, and complaining
to the goddess Thetis of the injury
done to him, when the maid Brisfeis had
been taken from his arms by the order of
Agamemnon. Sensibly touched with an
appearance of woe in any case, the Captain
could not avoid advancing, and accosting
him: Sir, said he,----but what
need I take up the time of the reader with
stating particularly the words of the address:
it is sufficient to say, that with all
the necessary delicacy, the captain gave
him to understand that he took a part in
his misfortune, if there was any upon his
mind, and would think himself extremely
fortunate if by language, or acts, he could
alleviate his griefs.

Sir, said the other, it is impossible. I
am an unhappy man, who have been for
some months in love with a young lady of
this city, and whose affections I had conceived
myself to have engaged by the most
unremitting attention. I had counted
upon her, as my wife, and in all my industry
in business, which is that of a merchant,
I had my thoughts directed to the
provision, I hoped, to have it in my
power, to make, in order to support her
with dignity and affluence. Yet within
these few days, her attention is engaged,
and her affections alienated by a certain
Major O'Regan, that is, or, is about to
be engaged in some public employment.

Major O'Regan, said the Captain,
laughing; is it possible!

Do you know him, said the gentleman?

Know him, said the Captain; he is my
bog-trotter; he has been my valet de
chambre this three years; and of late my
hostler and boot cleaner, in my travels to
this city. I believe I could prevail with
him for a pair of breeches, or so, to resign
his pretensions to the lady.

At this, the eye of the inamorato began
to resume its lustre; and the paleness of his
countenance to give way to some freshness
of complexion. Give me your name,
and the name of the lady, said the Captain,
and call upon me to morrow, at
the Indian Queen, about nine o'clock, and
I will endeavor to make such terms on
your behalf with this same Major O'Regan,
that he will give you no farther trouble,
on the score of the lady.

The inamorato expressed his thankfulness
with great animation and fervour;
and accepted the invitation to wait upon
him at the time and place proposed, informing
him, at the same time, that his
name was Williams, and that of the lady,
was M`Cracken, a daughter of an alderman
of the city of that name.

The Captain coming home, addressed
the bog-trotter as follows: Major O'Regan,
said he, for that I find is the title
which they have given you, there is a young
lady of this town of the name of M`Cracken,
whom you have by some means engaged
to think favorably of you, to the
neglect of a former admirer, a Mr. Williams,
a merchant, of this city. This
gentleman had a claim upon her from a
prior attention, and though there is no
municipal law that constitutes it a wrong
in you to interfere; yet humanity will
dictate that it is a wrong. Because it is a
small thing to a man whose affections are
not engaged; and who has yet wasted no
time upon an object, to decline attention
to it, or relinquish it. But to him who
has set his mind upon this or that lady, it
is death to be repulfed, and a man of honor
and delicacy of feeling, who sees the
advances of another which are well received,
will not interfere, even though the
object might be agreeable to him. Much
less will he amuse himself at the expence
of another, by paying attention when it
is his own vanity alone that he consults, in
shewing in what point of view he could
stand if he should think proper to persist.
I hope better things of you Teague, and

that you will conduct yourself on the principles
of honour and humanity; you will
resign this flirt, for such I deem her, who
---- he was going to say, who could be
tickled with you; but having a point to
carry with Teague, he chose to use soft
words; who, continued he, could so
readily change one lover for another.
What security have you of the affections
of one of so versatile a mind, Mr. Williams
is a merchant, and has cloths in his
store: he will give you the pattern of a
pair of breeches to decline your pretensions,
and resign the jade to him who had
first cast his eye upon her.

Teague, much more from this last part
of the argument, than from the fine sentiments
of delicacy, &c. which were laid
down in the first of it, consented to relinquish
the dulcinea; and so when Mr. Williams
called at the hour proposed, an order
for the making of a pair of breeches was
given and the bog-trotter pledged his
word, that he neither would laugh, talk,
walk, or ogle with her any more.

Shortly after this, while reading a newspaper,
the Captain heard two men conversing
at the opposite end of the saloon in
which they sat, one of them expressing
his concern that having a cause to be tried

before the court then sitting, his lawyer
Mr. Hardicknute could not attend, being
indisposed, and as it was alledged, from
a disappointment in love, by a Miss Thimbleton,
who was of late, as it appeared,
taken with a certain Major O'Regan, an
Irish gentleman of some note, who had
paid attention to her.

Enquiring the residence of the gentleman,
and being informed, the Captain
ever prompt to do offices of humanity,
immediately calling for Teague, who was
in the bar room with the waiter getting
him to write a love letter for him, set
out on a visit to lawyer Hardicknute, and
being admitted to his chamber, where he
lay languishing in bed, accosted him, giving
him to understand that he knew the
cause of his complaint, not by feeling his
pulse as did the physician of Demetrius,
who was in love with Stratonice: nor by
any power of conjuring; but simply by
hearing it from a client who was interested
in his recovery; and that in consequence
of this information he had come to relieve
him, and had brought the identical Major
O'Regan along with him, who for half a
johannes was ready to resign all pretensions
to the lady. This the Captain presumed,
from his influence with the Irishman,

and from his succeeding on the former
occasion.

The sick lawyer at this sat up; and
having put on on his gown and slippers, expressed
great thanks to the Captain and
the Major, and very readily handed a half
johannes from his bureau, and calling for
pen, ink and paper, for he was not sufficiently
restored to go to his office, he signified
that it would be proper the Major
should give him some instrument of writing
as evidence of the contract. It was
agreed on the part of the Captain and the
bog-trotter; and the lawyer wrote as follows:

This matter being fully settled, the
Captain and the bog-trotter took their
leave and departed. On their way home,
a man was seen to run across the street,
dressed in black, but without hat, coat,
or breeches on. The Captain conceived
it must be some mad sans culotte, or unbreeched
person that had come over from
Paris, and was running through the streets
here in order to bring about a revolution;
but on enquiry, he was informed, that it
was the Revd. Mr. M`Whorter, a young
clergyman, who had been deranged in his
understanding on account of a preference
given by Miss Fiddle to a certain Major
O'Regan, who had seemed to have engaged
her affections; that it was first discovered
on the preceding Sunday, when in
his prayer, instead of saying “give
us this day our daily bread,” he repeated,
give us this day our daily Miss Fiddle, and

instead of saying, “deliver us from evil,”
as he ought to have done, he said, deliver
us from Major O'Regan; that ever since
he had been getting worse, and now had
thrown off a part of his garments, and
exposing himself in public, appeared to be
mad altogether.

The Captain thinking on the subject,
was about to parody that line of the poet
and to say;

But repressing all poetical flights, he
wished to lose no time, but as speedily as
possible to wait upon the unfortunate ecclesiastic,
and by satisfying his mind, remove
his derangement. Accordingly
pursuing the clergyman, and having had
him seized and conveyed to a chamber;
he endeavored to make him sensible that
Major O'Regan, the cause of his misfortune,
who was there present, was ready
to quit claim to Miss Fiddle, and give him
no cause of uneasiness any farther. For
this, on their way, the bog-trotter, in consideration
of an interest in the clergyman's
prayers, had promised to do. But poor
Mr. M`Whorter was too far gone. He
could talk of nothing, but some incoherent
jargon consisting of a mixture of scripture
and profane language, one while about
Miss Fiddle and Major O'Regan; another
while of Daniel in the Lion's den, and
Jonas in the whale's belly, and the Devil
running into swine. He would imagine
sometimes that the devil was in himself,
and would squeel like a pig.

The matter being thus hopeless, they
set off to come home. On their way they
fell in with a man who called himself a doctor,
and had a blistering plaister in his
hand, and a gallipot, and a clyster pipe
tyed with a string about his neck, and
hanging down his back, and had alarmed
two or three ladies just before, offering
his services in the way of his profession.
On enquiry, it was found, that it was
the celebrated doctor Cataplasm that had
lost his senses, within three days past, on
account of a Major O'Regan, that was
likely to carry off Miss Blasm, to whom
the doctor had been a suitor for several
years, and with whom he had been just on
the point of marriage. Despairing from
the late experiment of doing any thing
with mad people, the Captain waved any
trouble with the doctor, but looking sternly
at Teague; this will never do, said he:
I cannot reconcile it to myself to be in the
most distant way accessary to so much

mischief; and as, from a deference to the
judgment of others, and to your importunity,
I have suffered myself to be the
means of introducing you to this sphere,
I must take care to repair the injury as
far as may be in my power, or at least
prevent any increase of it as much as possible.
If there is some talismanic charm,
God knows what it is, in your person or
appearance, that makes you thus formidable
to the peace and happiness of others
in giving this success amongst the females,
and if you have not generosity, or moral
sense of duty, to use your advantage consistent
with humanity, it is full time you
should be checked and drawn from this
sphere altogether, and sent to your former
bog-trotting, or put into the state
if you can get there, that honest men may
marry their wenches, whose affections
they had previously engaged.

The bog-trotter was somewhat obstreperous;
or as the vulgar say, obstrapalous,
on the occasion; and seemed to
signify that he would not desist; but would
pay attention to whom he thought proper.

The Captain saw that it was a difficult
matter to lay the devil he had raised; and
his hopes rested in this, that he was but
the bubble of a day, and that though

light-headed young women in the unfortunate
cases mentioned, had given him a visible
preference, yet it was rather to torture
their former lovers with a view to
try the strength of their passion than with
any intention seriously to make choice of
him, and finally accept him for a husband.
For he could not think it possible that a
woman of fashion, and education, would
ultimately be willing to give her hand to
such a raggamussin. If indeed, he could
come to be a judge, or a governor, such
a thing might take place; but as it was, it
seemed to outrage all credibility.

In this he was mistaken; for but the
very next day, he was waited on by Mr.
Mutchkin, a merchant of the city, who
was in the wholesale and retail way as a
grocer, and who had an only daughter,
Miss Mutchkin, to whom the Irishman
had made his most serious proposals. It
was to her, by the assistance of the waiter,
that he had been writing love letters:
Mr. Mutchkin, a cautious man, before
he would give his consent to the match,
thought proper to call upon the Captain,
whom he understood to be the uncle, or
guardian of the young gentleman, with a
view of enquiring into his expectations.

Expectations! said the Captain, why
just this; that if he should chance to get
into office, it is well, and if not he must
return to his bog-trotting. Bog-trotting!
said the merchant. Aye; bog-trotting,
said the Captain: what else would he do.
It is but ten days, or thereabouts, since
he quitted it; and since, by taking him to
levees, and beer-houses, and rubbing and
scrubbing him, and teaching him to dance,
and giving him some lessons of manners,
he has been made fit to appear in the gay
world. He has but that pair of breeches
that you see to his backside, and a pattern
not made up yet, that merchant Williams
gave him; and for my part I have done
all for him that I can do: There is just
the truth Mr. Mutchkin; and if you chuse
to take him for a son-in-law, you are
welcome; but as, thank God, I have
preserved a principle of candour and honesty
all my life, I will not deceive on
this occasion; and if the match should
prove unfortunate, you will not have me
to blame,

Mr. Mutchkin, expressed by the staring
of his eye, his astonishment; and as
soon as he could speak, thanked the Captain
for his candour, and declared his resolution
that if Major O'Regan as he had

the assurance to call himself, should again
come to his house, he would turn him out
of doors; and that if his daughter should
give him the least countenance for the future,
he would disown her entirely: He
had taken the greatest pains with her in
her education; she had been taught all the
polite accomplishments that could become
a lady; dancing, music, painting, reading
French, the Belles Lettres, geography,
&c. and if, after all this, she would
throw herself away on a raggamuffin to
the discredit of the family, he would no
longer take notice of her.

Fair, and softly, said the Captain; I
have a word of advice to give on the subject.
It is true, I have not travelled
much through the world; so as to visit
France, Italy, Spain, or Portugal; nevertheless,
I have some general knowledge
of the principles of human nature; not
only from books, but from my own observations,
of the small circumstances that
have fallen in my way, and reflection upon
them; and have found, that in the intellectual
province, as well as in material
works, art accomplishes more than force;
nay, as in mechanism, the arch is strengthened
by the very weight you put upon it,
so, where the imagination is concerned, the

attachment is fixed by an opposition to it.
Hence, it is, that the dissuasion of parents,
guardians, or friends is often so ineffectual,
with their daughters or wards, in matters
of love. It will behoove you, on this
occasion, in order to accomplish your object,
to conceal your knowledge of the
circumstances communicated; to allow
the bog-trotter free ingress and egress as
usual, and to affect to speak of him with
respect. Leave it to me to say such
things to the young lady, as under pretence
of recommending her lover, will be
effectual to disgust her, and remove her
attachment,

Mr. Mutchkin impressed with the sincerity
and good sense of the Captain, consented
to be guided by him in this business,
and accordingly going home was silent to
the mother and daughter with respect to
the conversation he had with the old gentleman,
who was considered as the uncle
of Teague: and the following day when
the Captain waited upon the family, and
was introduced by Mr. Mutchkin, who
retiring under pretence of business, left
him alone with the daughter and mother
to make use of the means he had proposed.
For Mr. Mutchkin well knew that O'Regan
was a great favorite with the mother;

and that it would be as difficult to convince
her as the daughter, of the imposition in his
character. Nay, as she had promoted
the match, her pride, unless she herself
was the first to detect the imposture,
would hinder her from seeing it, or at least
acknowledging it at all.

Being seated, conversation ensued,
and Mrs. Mutchkin, paid the Captain
many compliments on the fine figure and
address of his nephew. Miss Mutchkin,
hung down her head, and blushed, as being
in the presence of the uncle of her lover
and hearing the name of Major O'Regan
mentioned. Why madam, said the Captain,
I understand that the bog-trotter, has been well received in your family.
It is true I am not his uncle, nor is he a
Major; nevertheless many uncles have
had worse nephews; and there have been
Majors that did not perhaps ever see so
much service: for I have understood from
himself that he was inlisted once when he
was drunk, and was a while in the barracks
in Dublin; but got off when the
matter came to be examined, and it was
found that advantage had been taken of
him. For the Lord Lieutenant had given
strict orders, that in the enlistments the
utmost fairness should be used; nor, indeed

was it necessary in time of peace, to
take advantage; because there were men
enough to be got voluntarily, and deliberately
to enter the service. Nor indeed
had Teague himself any objections to be a
soldier, but that his constitution had not
given him that courage which is necessary
to enable a man to face an enemy with fire
arms: He could cudgel at a fair, or the
like, where he was supported by others
that would take the weight of the battle
off his hands; but except to wrestle at
carnish hug, as he calls it, with a hostler,
now and then, I never knew him fond of
any contention whatsoever. I understand
that he has been fortunate enough to render
himself agreeable to the young lady
your daughter, and I congratulate myself
on the prospect of having so accomplished
a young woman to be the wife of
my domestic. I have had him now these
three years. I bought him out a ship of
Irish servants. He has been always faithful
to me in the offices in which I employed
him, such as brushing boots, and rubbing
down my horse. It is true his manners
were a little rude at first, but I have taken
a good deal of pains to teach him some
of the outlines of a decent behaviour, such
as to blow his nose with a handkerchief,
and keep from breaking wind in company,
a practice to which he was a good deal
addicted at his first setting out; and
though he takes long strides as you may
see, from wearing brogues, and bog-trotting;
yet in the course of time, this
and other habits may be broke, by being
in good company. He has made considerable
improvement in the short time, I
have taken pains with him. Though but
ten days since he was heaved down, and
curried and brushed up for a gentleman,
he has learned to chew food, without
greasing his chin and cheeks. If he should
fall into the hands of a lady of taste, as
he is like to do, she may improve him still
more. It will be of particular advantage
to him to get a woman that can write and
read; as I understand Miss Mutchkin can
do very well; for as he can neither read
nor write himself, it is necessary that there
should be one of a family that can. He
has been fortunate at the taverns where
we lodged to get the waiters to write and
read billets to ladies; but such cannot be
always at hand for these things; but a wife
may. It is true his hopes in government
are uncertain, as to being an ambassador
or consul, but he may get to be a valet
de chambre to one of these: and though
the ambition of Miss Mutchkin may not be
so much flattered, as to be the lady of a
minister, yet true happiness is to be found
in contentment; and the love she has for
his person, may make amends for the
want of rank and honor; much more for
the want of fortune; for riches are but
dross, and the maid of a kitchen may be as
happy as the mistress in the parlour. His
fortune indeed is not much. He has nothing
of his own, but what dress he wears,
and a pattern of a pair of breeches, not
yet made up. My estate is but small,
consisting in a farm, and implements of
husbandry, with a couple of horses, one
of which I have rode from home, while
he bog-trotted by my side. Nevertheless,
if he marries Miss Mutchkin I will endeavor
to do something for him, and for two
or three years to come will engage to
find him in breeches and waistcoats.

The young lady was confounded and
withdrew. The mother was silent, and
with all her heart wished the Captain gone,
that she might digest her mortification in
private. The Captain saw all this; but
without seeming to see it, preserved a
grave countenance, and with some apology
of having an engagement so that he could

not have the honor of a longer conversation,
he took his leave.

The dialogue that took place after this
between the mother and the daughter,
may be more easily imagined than expressed.
It was concluded that when
O'Regan came next to the house, the
porter should be ready with a cowskin to
give him a suitable reception.

Mr. Mutchkin coming in was made acquainted
with the discovery of Major
O'Regan's history. Affecting to be as
much astonished as themselves, he observed,
that it would be however proper
to dismiss him with civility, as he had been
received in the capacity of a suitor. Here
Miss Mutchkin again blushed, not as at
first, with an affected blush of modesty,
when Major O'Regan was at any time
mentioned, but with the blush of confusion
and shame. The mother discovering in
her countenance all the emotions of
wounded pride, and ungovernable resentment,
avowed her determination to have
him received with a cowskin by the porter.
Mr. Mutchkin, affecting to acquiesce,
as these were matters in which he
did not wish to concern, did but confirm
the resolution.

Accordingly, that evening, when the

bog-trotter being on the point of marriage
as he thought, came to take tea with Miss
Mutchkin, ringing the bell, and being
admitted, a stout fellow, an Englishman,
who served in the capacity of Porter,
being prepared with a very heavy cowskin,
made an attack upon him. The
Irishman exclaimed, and called out for
Miss Mutchkin. O! God love your
dear ladyship, Miss Mutchkin; by shaint
Patrick; by de holy apostles, I shall be
kilt and murdered into de bargain! O! I
shall be kilt and murdered. God love
your shoul stop wid your cowskin, till I
say may prayers; and spare my life; O!
I shall be kilt and murdered, O! dis night,
in de house here. Miss Mutchkin, where
is your dear ladyship, to look upon me
wid your eyes, and save me from dis
bateing? O! I am kilt and murdered.

Saying these words the porter had
kicked him out of the house, and shutting
the door, left him to his exclamations in
the street.

Coming home, to the Captain, he made
a woeful complaint of the disaster that had
befallen him; which the Captain took
care not to alleviate, but increase, alledging,
that it must have been some former
lover of the lady, who was exasperated at

the preference given, and took this method
of revenge; that he now saw how dangerous
it was to interfere with men of
spirit in their courtships, and he ought to
be more careful for the future.

2. CHAP. II
Containing Observations.

HAVING given the preceding history, and put my
name to it, there is no man that knows me, will
doubt of the truth of it. For I have always considered
the first character of an historian to be veracity; and in
all my former compositions, have endeavored to preserve
that character. There being therefore no doubt
of the facts, it will remain only to account for them,
and indeed, though we have partly done it already, in
some observations we have made, yet this, and the
like circumstances which occur every day in life, of
Teague O'Regans and bog-trotters, being the favorites
of ladies in preference to the most accomplished men,
is so contrary to what we would expect, that it may
deserve a more minute developement of the causes and
principles. In early times, and even yet amongst simple
and uninformed people, the effect has been attributed
to love potions, or witchcraft; that is, either to
some drug, or draught affecting the nerves, and deranging
the brain; or to some supernatural power
operating on the faculties. But exploding these, we
shall endeavor to explain the phenomenon upon the
common principles of the affections of the heart, and
the power of the imagination. But it must be presumed
that in general, advantage of person, good
sense, and virtue prevail with the females, and where
the opposite is the case, it is to be considered as out of
the common course of choice. Why it ever should be
so, may depend on this; that a Teague O'Regan having
little sensibility of nerve, has all that apathy from
nature which the man of address has from habit, and

more steadily, because the one is nature, the other art:
and coolness in love, is a great secret of success. Sensibility
is irritable, unpersevering, desponding, extravagant;
and hence it is that no man who is deeply
enamoured of a lady before she has conceived some
attachment on her part, has an equal chance to be
acceptable. The fond love of a refined mind, produces
silliness, in proportion to the delicacy of the feelings;
and the contrast being more observable, the wise man
becomes, or appears to be the greater fool. The
Teague O'Regan makes love without any heart at all;
he attends upon a lady as he would tread mortar:
flatters her as he would speak to a parrot, or stroke a
cat, without a single sensation to disturb him. The
appearance of security on the part of the lover, gives
the lady to suppose that he is conscious of advantages,
and of course that there must be such which she does
not yet discover: or conceiving that she has not yet
absolutely engaged him, she makes it an object to inspire
his attachment, and the very exercise of her own passions
kindles a flame; for hopes and fears are the aliments of
love. A Teague O'Regan has no sentiment of his own,
and therefore he approves all the reason, and laughs at
all the wit of the lady; so that putting her in love with
herself, she becomes in love with him. A man of
sense, expresses it; but if contrary to the lady's sense,
she thinks it nonsense, and he becomes the Teague
O'Regan in her judgment.

Again, a Teague O'Regan is repressed by no sense
of honour, or regard to a permanent happiness, from
passing himself for what he is not, and practising imposition,
he imposes; talking of his great relations when
he has none, and of an estate when the right owner, as
the Irish phrase is, keeps him out of it, and provided
he can obtain the lady, he never thinks of the catastrophe
when the deception is discovered.

A Teague O'Regan is less opposed by his rivals;
because no one supposes that he can prevail. He is
assisted by the female acquaintance of the lady, because

they wish her mortified by making a bad choice. In
affairs of love there is no lady has a friend except a father,
an uncle, or a brother; not always a mother,
seldom a sister, but never any one else. Because the
pride of a mother may be hurt by the defect of attention
to herself; the jealousy of a sister is roused, even tho'
provided for, lest it should appear she had not married
equally well; and therefore the greater the fool, the
more friends he has with all the world, in his advances.
But setting all these principles aside, a particular circumstance,
as in the late case of the bog-trotter may
operate for the season, and make it an object to be addressed
by him.

I shall conclude these strictures, by laying down some
rules, for a prudent father, or guardian to correct the
imagination of a young lady, who appears to be facinated
with a bog-trotter; and in doing this, I conceive
I shall render essential service to humanity. It is a
painful thing, having accumulated property, for the
sake of a child; and having taken pains to improve and
polish, to have her thrown away upon a beast; for according
to the expression of the poet, some men are
beasts, compared with others.

Wilmot.

As love then is the offspring of the imagination,
reason has nothing to do with it. Ridicule is the only
remedy. Never let the Teague O'Regan be opposed,
or excluded from the house; but invited, and laughed
at; in the mean time giving the young lady no reason
to suppose that it is suspected she could possibly have
any fancy for such a person. The father or guardian
may engage some persons of both sexes, in confidence,
to join in the ridicule, and relate or invent incidents of his
absurdities; for as the bog-trotter is making an attack
upon the honour and happiness of the family, it is self-defence,
and justifiable to counteract him by stratagem,
when open force will not avail. No object that is made
ridiculous can appear amiable; and as to what is respectable,

we depend much more upon the opinion of
others, than our own. If a lover is opposed, the lady
attributes it to an old musty taste in the father, or to
envy and jealousy in others, and out of pride she will
support him; whereas if he is ridiculed, she becomes
ashamed of him, and gives him up. I have thought it
worth while to give this hint; because the greater part
of our romances and comedies in the English language
are calculated to depreciate the respect which a young
lady ought to have for the opinion of aged and grave
persons; and to confirm her in taking the Teague
O'Regan of her own choice. For all such are usually
represented as old humdrum curmudgeons, or grany's
whose judgment is not worth regarding, and whose
taste, in affairs of love, as in their dress, is antiquated,
unfashionable, and absurd; but the adventurers, and
fortune hunters, are all possessed of taste, and spirit,
and gallantry, and carry off the damsel and make her
happy. They stop just at the marriage, and give no
view of the disgust, repentance, and unhappiness that
ensues.