University of Virginia Library

2. BOOK II.

1. CHAP. I.

I SHALL pass over the circumstances
of the Captain's dining, and Teague,
reconciled with the hostler, taking his mess
in the kitchen; and go on to what befel
afterwards, when having saddled the horse,
they set out on their further perigrination.
Towards evening, when the shadows of
the trees began to be very long, the Captain
bidding Teague trot along side, addressed
him in the following words:—
Teague, said he, it is true I am none of
your knight-errants, who used to ride about
the world relieving fair damsels, and killing
giants, and lying out in woods, and
forests, without a house, or even foreſts">forests, without a house, or even tent-cloth
over their heads, to protect them
from the night air. Nevertheless, as in some

respects my equipment, and sallying forth
resembles a knight-errant, and you a
squire, would it be amiss, just for a frolick,
to ly out a night or two, that it might
be said that we have done the like. There
is no great danger of wolves or bears, for
while there are sheep, or pigs to be got
at, they will shun human flesh. It will
make a good chapter in our journal, to
describe you lying at the foot of an oak
tree, and me with my head upon my saddle,
under another; the horse, in the mean
time, feeding at a small distance. Teague
thought it would be an easier matter to
write down the chapter in the journal, than
ly under the trees to beget it. It is true,
said the Captain, navigators and travellers,
make many a fiction; and those who
have been in battle have killed many, that
were killed by others, or have not been
killed at all. But it would ill become a
limb of chivalry to deviate from the truth.
It will be but about twelve hours service
lying on our backs and looking up to the
stars, hearing the howling of wolves, and
observing the great bear in the heavens,
the means by which the Chaldeans, the
first astronomers, laid the foundation of
the science. Fait, and I tink, said Teague,
it would be better to be in a good house,
with a shoulder of mutton to ate before we
go to slape, than to have our own shoulders
tarn by the bears, or brused by lying
under great oaks. Of what use is this astranomy?
did any of these astranamers
ever shoot down a bear in the firmament,
to get a joint of mate for a sick person;
and what good comes of lying in de woods,
to be ate up by the snakes; but severs, and
agues, and sore troats, to get a long cough,
and die in a ditch like a dead horse, and
be nothing thought of, but be trown into
ridicule like a black-head that has no sense.
It is better to go to a house and get a bed
to slape in, and warm shates about us, than
be lying in the dew like a frag, crocking
the next day like one of dase, and get no
good by it.

The Captain had made the proposition
merely to divert himself with Teague, and
so did not insist upon it.

Riding one or two miles, the sun was
setting, and a house appeared in view a little
off the road. A lane led up to it with
a meadow on one side, and a pasture field
on the other. On this last, there were cattle
of cows, and sheep grazing. The house
in front, was a frame building, respectable

in appearance, from the height, and dimensions,
but ancient. There was a considerable
extent of clear ground around
it, and an orchard hard by, with at least
five hundred apple-trees.

Having lodged chiefly at inns since his
first setting out, the Captain had the curiosity
to diversify his travels, by lodging
at a private house this evening. Accordingly
riding up to the door, and calling
out Halloa, which is the note of interrogation
which is used when a man wishes the
master or mistress of a family, or some one
of the servants, to come forth, to know
what he wants.

It happened that the mistress herself
came to the door, and seeing a good looking
man, in a green old age, sitting on
horse-back, with his servant ready to take
care of his steed should he think proper
to dismount, she made a low curtsey, as
much as to say, Sir, I should be happy to
know, in what manner I can serve you.

Madam, said the Captain, to tell you
the truth, the night is drawing on, and I
have been reflecting with myself, whether
to lodge in the woods, or take a house.
All things considered, I have thought it
most adviseable to take a house, and the

only question that now remains is, whether
I can get one.

The lady smiling with much complacency,
and inclining her head forward, and
her middle back, replied, I should be happy,
Sir, if this small mansion could afford
you an accomodation worthy of your suite.
Madam, said the Captain, I shall be happy
if the guest can be worthy of the accommodation.

Alight, Sir, said the lady, we shall be
happy to receive you. Having alighted,
he was introduced to a very decent apartment,
where the lady seating herself in a
large cushioned chair, and pulling out her
box, took a pinch of snuff, and laid the
box upon the cushion. She was a good
looking woman, being about fifty-seven
years of age, with gray hairs, but a green
fillet on her left eye-brow, as it seems the
eye on that side was subject to a defluction
of rheum, which made it expedient to-cover
it. It could not be said that her
teeth were bad, because she had none. If
she wanted the rose on her cheek, she had
it on her nose, so that it all came to the
same thing. Nothing could be said against
her chin, but it used her mouth ill in getting
above it. She was not very tall, but

what she wanted in height, she made up in
breadth; so that multiplying one dimension
by the other, she might be considered as a
very sizeable woman. After conversing a
little while, the lady withdrew, to give directions
in the kitchen what to provide
for supper.

The Captain in the mean time taking
up a pipe, which he saw on the mantlepiece,
amused himself with a whiff.

The old lady in the mean time was in
the kitchen, and the first thing she observed
was Teague, reclining in an angle of
the chimney fast asleep. Considering him
inattentive to his master's horse which had
been sent to the stable, she desired a servant
to give him a jog, and wake him.
Teague, awaking, saw the old lady, and
bespoke her. Dear madam, what a great
happiness it is for poor sharvants to have
gentle folks about them? God bless your
anours ladyship; you are just for all the world
like my cousin Shala Shagney, the honsomest
woman in all Ireland, and was married
to Shan Crossan, who had a great estate,
and a flock of shape into the bargain.
She used to say to me when I was aslape,
Teague are you awake; and when I was
awake, Teague are you aslape, dear honey.

There is something in an Irishman which
has an admirable effect upon the fair; whether
it is owing to that love creating lustiness
of person, and freshness of complexion
which they usually possess; or the delicacy
and quantum of the flattery of which they
are not niggardly; nor need they be so, no
persons having a greater stock to come and
go upon. For so it was, that the language
of the bog trotter, had gained the good
will of this same Hecuba, and she ordered
him a tankard of metheglim, to make himself
merry with the servants.

Returning to the parlour she continued
her conversation with the Captain; but her
mind running upon Teague she could not
avoid introducing his name, with a view
to learn some particulars of his history.
This is a civil young man, said she, that
came with you, and of a conversation above
ordinary persons. The Captain being
an observer of the passions of the
mind, as they express themselves in the
eye and aspect, saw that Teague had made
some impression on the affections of this
goodly old maiden gentlewoman: Nor
was he displeased with it; for his first alarm
was, that she would have fastened
on himself; but her passion taking this

course, would be less troublesome. Framing
his answers therefore to her questions,
with a view to favour what had so fortunately
commenced, he gave her to understand,
that, though in the disguise of
a servant, Teague was no inconsiderable
personage; that he had been a member
of Congress one or two years; though,
by the bye, this was stretching the matter
a little, as he had only had it in his power
to be one. But if it is allowable to strain
a point at all, it is in the recommendation
of one who stands well enough already;
for not being taken on the recommendation,
there is no deception; and it
is but civility to make one more pleased
with their choice, than they already are.

The Captain said nothing of his having
preached, or being about to preach; for
the idea of sermons, and catechisms, impressing
the mind with religious awe, is
unfavourable to love. As to his being a
member of the philosophical society, it
could be neither here nor there with a lady,
and therefore he was silent with respect
to this also.

Supper being brought in, they sat down;
but little conversation passed; the mind
of the enamorata being more in the kitchen

than in the parlour. After supper, the
Captain sitting sometime, and seeming
drowsy, was asked by his hostess, if he
chose to go to bed: Answering in the
affirmative, a servant waited with a candle;
and bidding her good night, he was
lighted to his chamber.

No sooner had he withdrawn, but the
old lady sent her compliments to Teague,
to take a seat in the parlour; where sitting
down to a roasted duck, just brought in,
a few slices of gammon on a plate, a piece
of veal, and a couple of roasted potatoes,
he was desired to partake: the old lady
casting amourous looks at him, in the
mean time. I say looks; for though
she had but one eye to look with, yet
looking often, she might be said to cast
looks. It was a new thing to the Irishman,
to be at a table with a servant at
his back; and he began now to think that
fortune meant to do him justice: and with
an ease, and self-possession, which some
would call affrontery, he did the honours
of the table; helping himself, and talking
as fast as consisted with his disposition
to satisfy his appetite. May it please your
ladyship, said he, I am a poor sharvant
now, but I have seen the time, when I

have ate at as good a table as the Captain
my master, though he rides upon a horse
and I trot on foot. My uncle, by the
mother's side, Shan O'Gan, had a deer
park, and kept race-horses, to go to de
fair, and the city of Cork; and my father's
brother, Phelim O'Regan, was a
justice of the pace, and hung paple for
staleing shape. I might have been a member
of parliament, if I had staid at home
and went to school; but sending a challenge,
and fighting wid my own dear cousin
Denis O'Conelly, I had to fly de kingdom,
and brought noting wid me but my
brogs, and ten guineas in my purse; and
am now noting but a poor sharvant, unless
your ladyship would take pity upon me,
and marry me; for I am wary of this way
of tratting after a crazy Captain, that has
no sense to curry his own harse; and I
have to fight duels for him, and keep him
from being knocked down like a brute
baste; for dis very day, when he had a
quarrel wid a hastler, and was trown upon
his back, I lifted him up, and said,
Dear honey, are you dead? took de hastler
by de troat, and choaked him, and he
could not spake, but said, Dear shentlemen,
spare my life; so dat if your ladyship
will take me to yourself, I will stay
wid you, and take care of de harses, and
cows, and de shape, and plant parates, and
slape wid you, and ask not a farthing, but
your own sweat self into de bargain; for
you are de beauty of de world; and fasting
or slaping, I could take you to my
arms, dear crature, and be happy wid
you.

The lady was by this time entirely won,
and gave him to understand, that in the
morning, after consulting a friend or two,
the marriage might be celebrated.

I give only a sketch of the courtship that
took place, for a great deal was said; and
it was near midnight before the lovers
could prevail upon themselves to part;
when Teague was lighted to his bed, and
had as good as that in which the Captain
slept, which was a new thing to him; being
accustomed to pig in with hostlers and
servants, at the places where they lodged.

The Captain was up early in the morning,
and astonished not to find Teague stiring,
but enquiring of the servants where
Teague slept, he was shewn up a pair of
stairs, which he ascended, thinking he
had one or two more to ascend before he
reached the garret. But what was his astonishment,

when he was shewn into a
room on the second floor, where he found
Teague snoring on a feather bed with
curtains. Waking him, Teague; said he,
this goes beyond all your former impudence;
to crawl up out of the kitchen, and
get into a feather bed. Please your anour,
said Teague, to ring a bell, and call up a
sharvant, to bring boots, and slippers; for
I am to be married dis marning.

The Captain was thunder-struck; and
comprehending the whole of what had taken
place, saw his faux pas in recommending
him to the hostess; and now it only
remained, to cure the blunder he had
made, if it was at all curable.

We are short sighted mortals; and while
we stop one leak, the water rushes in at
another. The very means that we use to
save ourselves from one evil, leads us to a
worse. The Captain had need on this
occasion of all his address. Composing
himself, he dissembled, and spoke as follows:

Teague, said he, will you that are a
young man, and have great prospects before
you, consign yourself to the arms of an
old woman. Her breath will kill you in
the course of a fortnight. The fact is, she

is a witch, and inchantress; she made the
same proposition to me last night, of marrying
me; but I declined it. The world
is full of these sort of cattle. There was
one Shagnesa Circe, in old times, that used
to gather all she could into her net,
and transform them into hogs. Sir Teague
Ulysses was the only one that had the sense
to keep clear of her music, and avoid her.
Did you see that drove of hogs before the
door, when we rode up last evening. They
are nothing more than stragglers which she
has transformed into swine. I did not sleep
a wink last night, thinking of the danger
to which you were exposed, and indeed I
expected nothing less, than to find you
this morning a barrow, fattened up for a
feast, a day or two hence. Did you think
such an old haridan as this can have any
natural concupiscence for a man; or if she
has, it is for a few days only, until she can
make him fit for slaughter. Then by throwing
a little water on him, or by the bare
blowing of her breath, she makes a beefcow,
or hog-meat of him, and he finds the
knife at his throat, and scalding water taking
off his bristles, and his guts out, and
is into the pickling-tub before he knows
what he is about. Do you think, Teague,
that I have read books for nothing? Have
you not seen me in my study, morning
and night, looking over Greek, and Hebrew
letters, like partridge tracks? All
this to find out what was going on up and
down the world. Many a history of witches,
and conjurers, I have read, and know
them when I see them, just as I would my
own sheep, when I am at home. Better
indeed, for unless my sheep are marked, I
could not know them; but marked or not
marked, I know witches; and if I am not
mistaken, this is the greatest witch that ever
run. She was all night in my room,
in the shape of a cat. It is God's mercy,
that she had not changed herself into an
alligator, and eat you up before the morning.
When I came into the room I expected
to find nothing else but bones, and
particles of hair, the remnant of her repast;
but it seems she has thought you not
fat enough, and has given you a day or
two to run, to improve your flesh, and
take the salt better. The worst thing, after
transformation, is the having you cut,
in order to make you fatter and better
pork, which is generally done the first
day; and castration is a painful operation,
besides the loss of the part. I have
had several of my acquaintances served in
this manner, falling in with old women
whom they took for fortunes; but were
in reality witches, and had dealings with
the devil.

Teague by this time was out of bed, and
had dressed himself in his overalls and short
coat, and was ready for a march. Indeed
he wished to escape as soon as possible;
and descending the stairs, going to the
stable, and saddling the horse, they both
set out, without taking leave. It was in
this manner Eneas quitted Dido, and got
a ship-board, before she was awake; and
the only difference was, that Teague had
left no little Iulus in the hall, to put her
in mind of the father.

2. CHAP. II.

TRAVELLING along, the Captain
could not but observe to Teague, the
injudicious choice he was about to make,
even had the woman not been a necromancer.
For the man who surrenders
himself to the arms of a superannuated female,
for the sake of fortune, acts a part
not less unworthy and disgraceful, than the
prostitute who does the same for half a
crown. While a man has the use of his
limbs and arms, he ought to be above such
mercenary motives; and true happiness
can be found only in congruity, and what
is natural. Teague seemed still to have
some hankering after the supper of ducks,
and the feather bed; but as they proceeded,
the recollection became more faint,
for distance and time, is the cure of all
passions.