University of Virginia Library

1. BOOK I.

1. CHAP. I.

RISING early next morning, the Captain
proceeded, with his man Teague,
on his journey, and having breakfasted at
an inn, where nothing material happened,
we shall pass it over, and come as far
down in the day as eleven o'clock; tho',
by the bye, it might have been more correct
to have said up in the day, because the
sun rises until twelve o'clock, and then
descends: But waving this nicety, we shall
go on to relate what actually took place.
A man was seen before them, driving,
leisurely, a horse with two kegs upon his
back. The Captain took him for what is
called a pack-horse man, that was carrying
salt or sugar to some place of market.

A man of a philosophic turn of mind never
hesitates to enter into conversation
with any character; because human nature
is the field whence he gathers thoughts
and expressions. The Captain therefore
accosting this man, said, Is it salt or molasses
you have in your kegs, countryman?
You are going home from some store, I
suppose, where you have purchased; or
going to set up a small store of your own,
and vend goods. No, said the man,
with a Scotch-Irish pronunciation, there is
an election this day a little way before us,
and I am setting up for the legislature, and
have these two kegs of whisky to give a
dram to the voters. The Captain was
thrown into a reverie of thought, and
began to reflect with himself on the nature
of a republican government, where
canvassing by such means as this, can work
so great an evil as to elevate the most unqualified
persons to the highest deliberative
assemblies. But, in the mean time,
roused a little from his thought, he had
presence of mind to recollect the danger
in which he was about to be involved afresh
with his man Teague; whom, now
looking round, he saw to be about forty
yards behind him. It would have been
adviseable to have diverted from the road,
and taken a circuitous rout, to avoid the
election ground. But as the devil, or
some worse being, would have it, it was
a lane in which they were, with a fence
on each side; so that he could not divert
without leaping like a fox hunter, or one
of your light-horse men, to which the sober
nag on which he rode was not competent.
Besides, if Teague did not leap after
him he would be left exposed in the
lane to the populace, who might solicit
him to be their representative. To turn
directly back would appear indecorous,
and unless he could drive Teague on before
him, which was not customary, and
to which he might not, all at once submit,
his station would of course be the rear,
where he might be picked up as a straggler,
and sent to some public body.

In this quandary of thought, looking up,
he saw the breakers just a-head; that is,
the people met for the purpose of electing,
and that it was now impossible to avoid
them. Depending, therefore, on his
own address, to make the best of circumstances,
he suffered himself to be carried
along towards them, keeping, in the mean

time, an eye upon Teague, who was the
cause of his concern.

Meeting accidentally with a Scotch gentleman
on the ground, whom he knew, he
communicated to him the delicacy of his
situation, and the apprehensions he had on
the part of Teague. Said the Scotch gentleman,
Ye need na gie your sel any trouble
on that head, man; for I sal warrant
the man wi the twa kegs will carry the
elaction: there is na resisting guid liquor;
it has an unco effec on the judgment in
the choice of a representative. The man
that has a distillery or twa in our country,
canna want suffrages. He has his votaries
about him like ane o' the Heathen gods,
and because the fluid exhilerates the brain,
they think he maun be a deity that makes
it; and they fa' down, especially when
they have drank ower muckle, and worship
him, just as at the shrine of Apollo
or Bacchus, among the ancients.

The candidate that opposed the man of
the two kegs, was a person of gravity and
years, and said to be of good sense and experience
in facts. The judgment of the
people was in his favour, but their appetite
leaned against him.

There is a story of one Manlius, a Roman,

who had saved the capitol from the
Gauls, by putting his breast to the rampart,
and throwing them down as they ascended.
When this man afterwards, elated
with the honours paid him, forgot the
duties of a citizen, wishing to subvert the
republic, by usurping the power of a tyrant,
the people, jealous of liberty, were
incensed; and being convicted of the crime,
he was dragged to punishment. It was not
the way, at that time, to hang, as you
would a dog; or behead, as you would
a wild beast: but to throw from a high
rock, which they called the Tarpeian. The
capitol was just in view, and while they
were dragging him along to the place, he
would stretch his hand to this; as much
as to say, There, O Romans, I saved you:
The populace at this would stop a while,
irresolute whether to desist or drag him
on. While they recollected his offence,
they marched a step; but when they cast
their eye on the capitol, they stood still;
and not until some principal men directed
the rout out of the view of the capitol,
could he be brought to justice.

So it was with the multitude convened
on this occasion, between the man with
the two kegs and the grave looking person.

When they looked on the one, they felt
an inclination to promote him. But when
again on the other hand, they saw two
kegs which they knew to be replenished
with a very chearing liquor, they seemed
to be inclined in favour of the other.

But appetite prevailed, and they gave
their votes in favour of the man with the
two kegs.

Teague in the mean time thinking he
had another chance of being a great man,
had been busy, but to no purpose; for the
people gave their votes to the man of the
two kegs. The Captain thought himself
fortunate to be thus relieved, and proceeded
on his journey.

2. CHAP. II.
Containing Observations.

THE perplexity of the Captain, in the
late transaction on account of his man
servant, may serve to put those in mind
who travel with a waiter, not to go much
about at the election seasons, but avoid
them as you would the equinoxes. It
might not be amiss, if, for this reason the
times of electing members for the several
bodies were put down in the almanac, that
a man might be safe in his excursions, and
not have an understrapper picked up when
he could not well spare him.

I mean this as no burlesque on the present
generation; for mankind in all ages
have had the same propensity to magnify
what was small, and elevate the low. We
do not find that the Egyptians, though there
were lions in the kingdom of Lybia, not far
distant, ever made a god of one of them.
They rather chose the cow kind, the stork,
and the crocodile, or the musk-rat, or miresnipe,

or other inferior animal to deify.
The Romans, and the Greeks also, often
worshipped small matters. Indeed we do
not find amongst any nation, that the elephant,
or rhinoceros, or elk, or unicorn,
have been made tutelar divinities. As,
The smaller the objects we take up, and
make them great, the act is the greater;
for it requires an equal art in the formation
of the glass to magnify, as to diminish,
and if the object is not of itself small, there
is no magnifying. Caligula is celebrated
through all history for making his horse a
senator. It would have been nothing to
have made a Roman knight one; but to
endow a mere quadruped with the qualities
of a legislator, bespeaks great strength
of parts and judgment.

3. CHAP. III.

IT was about three o'clock in the afternoon
that the Captain came to an inn,
where unhorseing and unsaddling, Teague
took the steed, and the master went to
sleep on a sopha in the passage. Unless it
is in a very deep sleep, the mind is in some
degree awake, and has what are called
dreams. These are frequently composed
of a recollection of late events. Sometimes
the mind recovers incidents long
since past, and makes comments, but
most usually, out of mere indolence takes
up with what is next at hand. It happened
so on this occasion; for the Captain
thought himself still engaged with the
Scotchman on the subject of the late election.
It seemed to him that he said, Mr.
M`Donald, for that was the name of the
Scotch gentleman, you do not seem to
have a high opinion of our republican form
of government, when the most indifferent
can obtain the people's suffrages.

The Scotchman seemed to answer in his

own dialect, saying, Ye are much mistaken
man, if ye draw that conclusion. I think
there is a worse chance for merit to come
forth where appointments are in the hand
of one than when with many; for it is
much easier to scratch the rump of one,
than tickle the hurdies o' a thousand. Ye
see our executives dinna do much better
in their appointments to judicial and ministerial
offices, than the rabble folk themselves
to the legislative. It all comes to
the same thing in every government; the
wind blaws, and the feathers and the fern
get uppermost.

At this instant he was awakened by a
bustle out of doors. The fact was; a disagreement
had taken place between Teague
and the hostler at the inn, about their skill
respectively in rubbing down and currying
horses. Teague had made use of a single
grab of hay, which he held with both
hands, and impressed the horse, rubbing
him from side to side, and up and down
with all his might. The other with a wisp
in each hand, rubbed; the right hand
passing to the left, while the left hand passed
to the right, in a transverse or diagonal
direction. The hostler valued himself on
having been groom, as he pretended, to

some nobleman in England, and therefore
most be supposed to understand the true
art of currying. Teague maintained his
opinion, and way of working with a good
deal of obstinacy, until at last it came to
blows. The first stroke was given by
Teague, who hit the hostler on the left
haunch with his foot, when he was stooping
down to shew Teague how to rub the
fetlock. The hostler recovering, and seizing
Teague by the breast, pushed him
back with a retrograde motion, until he
was brought up by a cheek of the stable
door. Resting against this, Teague made
a sally, and impelled his antagonist several
yards back, who finding at length behind
him the support of a standing trough where
the waggoners used to feed, recovered his
position, and elanced Teague some distance
from the place of projection. But
Teague still keeping hold of the collar of
his adversary, had brought him along with
him, and both were now on the ground
struggling for victory. But Teague turning
on his belly, and drawing up his knees,
was making an effort to raise himself to his
feet. The other in the mean time, partly
by the same means, and partly by retaining
hold of the Irishman, was in the attitude
of rising with him. They were now
both up, locked fast in the grasp of each
other, their heads inclining in conjunction,
but their feet apart, like muskets stacked
after a review, or like the arch of a bridge.
The head of each supported by the abutment
of the feet. Few blows were given,
and therefore not much damage done. But
the persons present calling out fair play,
and making a bustle in the porch of the
inn, had awakened the Captain, and bro't
him to the door, who seeing what was going
on, took upon him to command the
peace; and the people supposing him to
be a magistrate, assisted to part the combatants;
when the Captain ordering both of
them before him, made enquiry into the
cause of the dispute. Teague gave his account
of the matter; adding, if he had
had a shillelah, he would have been after
making him know that the paple in dis
country, could curry a horse, or a cow,
or a shape, as well as any Englishman
in de world, though he have been hastler
to a great lord, or de king himself, at his
own stable where he has his harse.

Teague, said the Captain, this may be
true; but it was unbecoming a philosopher
to attempt to establish this by blows.

Force proves nothing but the quantum of
the force. Reason is the only argument
that belongs to man. You have been the
aggressor, and therefore in the power of
the law. But as to you, Mr. Hostler, you
have given considerable provocation. I
have had this lad with me several years,
and I say that he curries and rubs down a
horse very well. It is no uncommon thing
for men of your country, to undervalue
other nations, or those retained by them.
You naturally associate your own attainments
with the bulk and populousness of
your cities: But can the looking at a large
building, or a tall spire, add an inch to
your stature? Because Fox is eloquent, is
every one that hears him so too? Is not
human ingenuity, the same here as on the
other side of the water? Our generals have
fought as well, in the late war, as any
Clinton, or Cornwallis that you have. Our
politicians have wrote, and our patriots
have spoke as well as your Burkes, or your
Sheridans, or any other; and yet when
you come here, there is no bearing the
airs of superiority you take upon yourselves.
I wonder if the wasps, that are in
your garrets in London, consider themselves
better than the wasps that are in
these woods? I should suppose they must;
such is the contemptible vanity of an island,
which, taking in its whole extent,
would be little more than a urinal to one
of our Patagonians in South America.
This the Captain said to mortify the hostler;
though, by the bye, there is a good deal
of truth in the observation, that the people
of an old country undervalue the new;
and when they think of themselves, conjoin
the adventitious circumstances of all that
exists where they have lived. I have found
a prejudice of this nature even with the
wisest men. What wonder, therefore, that
a poor illiterate hostler should be subject
to it? But if he did undervalue an American
born, yet he ought to have considered
that Teague, though not born in Britain,
was born near it, and therefore
might considerably approach the same skill
in any handy-craft work.

In natural history, we do not value animals
on account of the place from whence
they are taken, but on account of what
they are themselves; and in things that are
made by hands, not by the manufacturer,
but the quality. We prefer the trout of
the rivulet, to the mullet of the river;
and we judge of the pudding not by the

maker, but the eating. There is a proverb
that establishes this; for proverbs are
the deductions of experience, and to which
we assent as soon as expressed; containing
in them an obvious truth, which the simplest
understand.

4. CHAP. IV.

IT is not for the sake of any moral,
that I have related this scuffle that took
place between the Irishman and the hostler;
but for the sake of shewing in what
manner incidents are to be related; that
is, with great simplicity of stile, and minuteness
of description. That part of Livy
which contains the combat of the Horatii,
and Curatii, is frequently given to the students
at a college to translate, that by this
means they may be taught to imitate the
like delicacy in the choice of words, and
particularity of the recital. The above
may answer the same purpose. It is true
there is not the like incidents in this combat,
as in that described by Livy; nevertheless,
the same art is therein discovered, as
the sound critic will observe. I know it will
be thought by any one who reads it, that
he could use the very same words, and
give the same liveliness of picture, were

he to attempt it. Should he try it, he
will find himself disappointed.——Sudet
multum, frustraque laboret, ausus idem.—

It may be thought, that though stile is
my object, yet I might now and then bring
along a thought to entertain the reader,
and introduce some subject of moment,
rather than the fisty-cuffs of two raggamuffins.
I would just ask this question;
Is not the talent of the artist shewn as much
in painting a fly, as a waggon-wheel. If
this were intended as a book of morals,
or physiology, and not as a mere belles
lettres composition, there might be something
said;—as the case is, critics must be
silent.