University of Virginia Library

3. BOOK III.

1. CHAP. I.

IT was somewhat late when the Captain
arrived at an inn this evening. There
was there before him, a young clergyman,
who had been preaching that day in
a neighbouring congregation; but had not
as usual, gone home with an elder; but
had come thus far on his way towards another
place, where he was to preach the
next day.

The Captain entering into conversation
with the clergyman, sat up pretty late.
The subject was what might be expected;
viz. the affairs of religion and the church.
The clergyman was a good young man;
but inclining to fanaticism, and being righteous
over much: The Captain on the other

hand, somewhat sceptical in his notions
of religion: Hence, a considerable
opposition of sentiment between the two.
But at length, drowziness seizing both,
candles were called for, and they went to
bed.

It was about an hour or two after, when
an uproar was heard in a small chamber to
the left of the stair-case which led to the
floor on which they slept. It was Teague,
who had got to bed to the girl of the
house. For as they would neither let him
go to Congress, nor be a philosopher, he
must be doing something. The girl not
being apprized, or not chusing his embraces,
made a great outcry and lamentation.
The clergyman, who slept in an adjoining
chamber, and hearing this, out of
the zeal of his benevolence and humanity,
leaped out of bed in his shirt, and ran in
to see what was the cause of the disturbance.
The Captain also jumping up, followed
soon after, and was scarcely in the
chamber before the landlord coming up
with a candle, found them all together.

The maid gave this account of the matter,
viz. That between sleeping and waking
she felt a man's hand lifting up the
bed-clothes; upon which she shouted out

murder. But whether it was any body
there present, or some one else, she could
not tell.

Teague, whose natural parts were not
bad, and presence of mind considerable,
instantly took the resolution to throw the
matter on the clergyman. By shaint Patrick,
said he, I was aslape in my own bed
as sound as the shates that were about me,
when I heard the sound of this young
crature's voice crying out like a shape in
a pasture; and when after I had heard,
aslape as I was, and come here, I found
this praste, who was so wholy, and praching
all night, upon the top of the bed,
with his arms round this young crature's
neck; and if I had not given him a twitch
by the nose, and bid him ly over, dear
honey, he would have ravished her virginity,
and murdered her, save her soul,
and the paple of the house not the wiser
for it.

The clergyman stared with his mouth
open; for the palpable nature of the falshood,
had shocked him beyond the power
of speech.

But the landlady, who in the mean time
was come up, and had heard what Teague
had said, was enraged, could supply speech

for them both. Hey, said she, this comes
of your preaching and praying, Mr. Minister.
I have lodged many a gentleman; but
have never had such doings here before. It
is a pretty story that a minister of the gospel
should be the first to bring a scandal
upon the house.

The Captain interrupted her, and told
her there was no harm done. The maid
was not actually ravished; and if there
was no noise made about it, all matters
might be set right.

The clergyman had by this time recovered
himself so much as to have the use of
his tongue; and began by protesting his innocence,
and that it was no more him that
made the attack upon the maid, than the
angel Gabriel.

The Captain, interrupting him, and
wishing to save his feelings, began by excusing
or extenuating the offence. It is
no great affair, said he, after all that is
said or done. The love of women is a
natural sin, and the holiest men in all ages
have been propense to this indulgence.
There was Abraham that got to bed to his
maid Hagar, and had a bastard by her,
whom he named Ishmael. Joshua, who
took Jericho by the sound of ram's horns,

saved a likely slut of the name of Rahab,
under a pretence that she had been civil to
the spies he had sent out, but in reality because
he himself took a fancy for her. I
need say nothing about David, who wrote
the Psalms, and set them to music; and
yet in his old days had a girl to sleep with
him. Human nature is human nature still;
and it is not all the preaching and praying
on earth can extinguish it.

The clergyman averred his innocence,
and that it was that red-headed gentleman
himself, meaning Teague, who was in the
room first, and had been guilty of the outrage.
Teague was beginning to make the
sign of the cross, and to put himself into
an attitude of swearing, when the Captain
thinking it of no consequence who was the
person, put an end to the matter, by ordering
Teague to bed, and himself bidding
the company good night.

The clergyman finding no better could
be made of it, took the advice of the landlord,
and retired also. The landlady seemed
disposed to hush the matter up, and the
maid went to sleep as usual.

2. CHAP. II.

IT is not the nature of the female tongue
to be silent. The landlady could not
avoid informing her gossips, and even some
of her guests, of what had happened the
preceding evening in her house. The report,
so unfavourable to the clergyman,
had therefore got out; and coming to the
ears of the consistory, was the occasion of
calling him before them, to answer to the
accusation. The clergyman much alarmed,
though conscious of innocence, bethought
himself of applying to the Captain,
to extort from his waiting man a
confession of the truth, and relieve his
character. Accordingly having set out on
a bay horse that he had, he found the
Captain, and addressed him in the following
manner:

Captain, said he, the affair of that night
at the tavern, is like to be of serious consequence
to me. For though I am innocent
as the child unborn, yet the presumption
is against me, and I am likely to fall

under church censure. It may be sport
to you, but it is a matter of moment to
me. Now, as sure as God is in heaven,
I am innocent; and it must have been the
devil, or that red headed Irishman of
yours, that made the disturbance.

The Captain gave him the comfort of
assuring him that he might make himself
easy; for be the matter as it might, he
would take care that Teague should assume
it, and bear the blame. The clergyman
politely thanked him; declaring,
at the same time, that he would not forget
him in his prayers, Sunday or Saturday,
while he had an hour to live. The
Captain, not so much from any mercenary
motive of benefit, by his spiritual
solicitations, as from a real love of humanity
and justice, had determined to do him
essential service in this affair. Accordingly,
when the clergyman had retired, calling
Teague before him, he began in this
manner: Teague, said he, from what I
know of your disposition, I have no more
doubt than I have of my existence, that
it was yourself who made that uproar with
the girl at the tavern where we lodged;
though I could not but give you credit
for your presence of mind in throwing it

upon the clergyman. But whether the
matter lies with you or him, is of no
consequence. You can take it upon you,
and lay up treasure in heaven. It will be
doing a good work; and these people, you
may be assured, have a considerable influence
in the other world. This clergyman
can speak a good word for you when you
come there, and let you into half the benefit
of all the prayers he has said on earth.
It will be no harm to you, for your character
in this respect is as bad as it can well
be.

Teague said he did not care much; but
thought the priest ought to pay a little
smart money; for it was a thankless matter
to do these things for nothing. Said
the Captain, these people are not the most
plenty of money; but I will advance half
a crown towards the accommodation.
Teague was satisfied, and ready to acknowledge
whatever was demanded of him.

Accordingly having come before the
presbytery on the day appointed for the
trial. Teague made confession of the truth;
viz. That being in the kitchen with the
girl, and observing her to be a good looking
hussy —

But suppose we give the speech in his

own dialect. Master prastes, said he, I
persave you are all prastes of the gosple,
and can prach as asily as I can take a chaw
of tobacco. Now the trut of de story is
dis; I was slaping in my bed, and I tought
vid myself it was a shame amonst christian
paple that a young crature should slape by
herself, and have no one to take care of
her. So I tought vid myself, to go and
slape vid her. But as she was aslape, she
made exclamation, and dis praste that is
here before you, came in to save her shoul
from the devil; and as the captain my master,
might take offence, and the devil, I
am shartain that it was no better person,
put it into my head, to lay it on the praste
This is the trut master prastes, as I hope
for shalvation in the kingdom of purgatory,
shentlemen.

On this confession, the clergyman was
absolved, to the great joy of the presbytery,
who considered it as a particular providence
that the truth was brought to light.

3. CHAP. III.
Containing Reflections.

IT must appear from the incident at the
public house, with what caution presumptive
testimony is to be admitted. Our
criminal law admits it, but lays it down
as a rule, that it be admitted with caution.
There is what is called violent presumption;
that is, where such circumstances
exist, as usually attend the fact. Presumptive
proof of this nature is held sufficient
to convict. I doubt much, whether reason
or experience approve the doctrine.
Reason tells us, that there may be all the
circumstances that usually attend the fact,
and yet without the fact itself. Experience
evinces that it has been the case; for
we have heard of persons convicted of a
capital offence; and yet with their last
breath asserting innocence. Nay, in the
case of some who have been convicted of
homicide, the persons who have been supposed

to have been murdered, have afterwards
been found alive.

But on abstract principles, a conclusion
of certainty cannot be drawn from presumptive
proof. Because in cases of the
most violent presumption, there is still a
possibility of innocence; and where there
is a possibility, there must be a doubt; and
will you hang man, woman, or child, where
there is a doubt.

In all cases there ought to be complete
proof; because the convicted person is to
be completely punished; and the jury, previous
to this, must make complete oath of
the guilt.

It is the ground of the doctrine of presumptive
proof, that where you cannot
help suspecting, you ought to be positive;
whereas the just conclusion would be, that
where you cannot help suspecting, there
you ought to suspect still, but no more.

It would be a curious question in arithmetic
how many uncertainties make a certainty?
In mathematics, the three angles
of a triangle, are equal to a right angle.
But these are all angles, that are put
together; that is, they are things of the
same kind, but the greatest angle, and the
longest side will never make a triangle, because

there is no inclusion of space. There
must be a number of things of the same
kind to make an aggregate whole; so that
ten thousand possibilities, probabilities, and
violent presumptions, can never constitute
a certainty.

Presumptive proof is of the nature of
the semi plena probatio of the Roman law;
going but half-way towards proof, it can
never amount to proof at all. For, as the
saying is, a miss is as good as a mile. I
would, therefore, recommend to all jurors,
to take care that unless the witnesses swear
positively to the fact, they do not find a
verdict, guilty; because, as the current
cannot rise higher than the source, so the
verdict of the juror ought not to be more
absolute than the oath of the witness. In
all cases, therefore, short of positive testimony,
acquit.

These hints may also be of service to
young attornies, and weak judges; so that
honest people may not lose their lives, or
be rendered infamous, without full proof
of the offence. It is hard enough to suffer
when there is full proof; but to be in
the power of a juror's or a judge's imagination,
comparing and construing circumstances,
and weighing possibilities, contingencies,

caprice, wheel, or whim of the brain may
suggest, is inconsistent with that fair trial
which, in a free government, ought to be
enjoyed. Was I a judge or juror, no
one would I condemn without positive testimony
of the fact. For it would not be
in my power to restore that fame or life
which I took away from the innocent.
And if a guilty person should escape, it
was none of my look out; but the business
of Providence to furnish proof, if it
was intended that man should punish; and if
proof is not furnished, let Providence take
the matter on himself, and punish the culprit
either in this life or in a future state.
Invisible things belong to the Omniscient;
and it would seem great arrogance in man
to take upon him to decide in cases of uncertainty.
I hope, therefore, yet to see the
doctrine of presumptive proof, in criminal
cases, wholly, in courts of justice, discountenanced.
I can declare, that in the
course of my experience at the bar, I have
bad one hung, and several others within
an ace of it, who were innocent; and
this on the doctrine of presumption and
probability. The one that was hung was
a tory case, where the popular clamour
was against the man; and light presumption
became violent, under such a charge.

I shall say no more on this subject;
because it seems to me that I have been affecting
to speak sense, whereas my business
is to speak nonsense; this being the
only way to keep out of the reach of criticism;
because critics can say no more
than you yourself allow; so that a charge
of nonsense cannot hurt. It is thus that
persons who have a long nose, or disproportion
of some other feature, take the
laugh upon themselves first, and so escape
ridicule. The truth is, I will not give myself
the trouble to write sense long. For
I would as soon please fools as wise men;
because the fools are the most numerous,
and every prudent man will go with the
majority. I shall return to the adventures
of the Captain.

4. CHAP. IV.

THE Presbytery sat a day or two at
this place, on church affairs, and the
Captain delaying with them, lodged at the
same house. Teague, in the mean time,
having an opportunity of ingratiating himself
with the clergymen, by rubing down
their horses, and other menial services.
For it is the national character of the aboriginal
Irish, to give fair words; and
Teague was not deficient in this address.
What with master Prasting, and giving a
great deal of what is called Blarney, he
insinuated himself into their good graces;
and by affecting, now and then, to be seen
at prayers by himself, and to have a sorrowful
countenance, he induced them to
believe that he was in the first stage of conviction,
and likely to become a pious man.
Having made this progress in their good
opinion, he ventured to suggest what was
the ultimate object of his ambition; viz.
the being a candidate for holy orders. The
Presbytery, to whom the matter was represented

by the individuals more particularly
acquainted with him, thought favourably
of the proposition. For though his
common attainments might not be great,
yet if the grace of God had wrought upon
him, he might become a valuable man.

The Captain having got a hint of this,
took the first opportunity of addressing the
Presbytery. Gentlemen, said he, you are
deceived in this ragamuffin. For, notwithstanding
all the pretensions he may lately
have to religion, you may be well assured
that it is all hypocrisy, and that he has no
more religion than my horse.

The Presbytery suspecting the Captain
to be a carnal man, and regardless of the
ministry, gave little heed to what he said,
and seemed disposed to take Teague upon
trials.

The Captain finding the case to stand
thus, and that in spite of all he could do,
he was likely to lose his servant, took his
usual method of addressing the hopes and
fears of Teague himself.

Taking him aside, he began, with all
possible art, to impress such fears and apprehensions,
as the nature of the case suggested.
Teague, said he, do you know
what you are about? You have got into

your vagaries once more. You want to
preach, do you? Are you apprised of the
difficulty of this work? The first thing you
will have to do, is to take a text; and
when that is done, you have to split it into
parts. There are what are called heads;
and these you must divide into firstlys,
and secondlys, and thirdlys, and fourthlys,
and so on, till you come to twentiethlys,
perhaps. Are you furnished with a concordance?
or do you know what a concordance
is? Can you find a text to suit
your purpose when you want it? Can you
explain the scriptures; the meaning of
Daniel's ram and the he-goat, or the seven
trumpets in the Revelations? You are
mistaken if you think your Irish will pass
for Hebrew.

You think it a great honour to preach
now-a days. It was an honour once; but
the thing is now become so common, that
it is of little consequence to preach or not.

But do you know how it will behove
you to conduct yourself, if you take this office
upon you. You will have to compose
the muscles of your face to greater seriousness
than your disposition can afford. You
must quit whoring. How will you like
that, Teague. It would look very ill after

sermon to be catched in bed with a girl at
a tavern.

But do you know why these men are so
anxious to have you of their mess? The
truth of the matter is, they carry on a war
with the devil, and they wish to recruit you
for the service. Do they give you any
bounty-money. Take my word, there
will be but little of this going. Take my
advice then, and let them settle their own
quarrels. It is a silly thing to be drawn into
a party, when there is but little to be
got by it: Nay, worse than little: For it
will be all on the other side. Think you
the devil will forget the mischief you do
him in this world, and not resent it when
he comes across you in a future state?
When you are preaching and praying, do
you think he will not hear all that you
throw out against him. You may rely
upon it, there will be enough to give him
information; and as a story never loses in
the telling, it is ten to one they will make
the matter worse than it was. Take my
advice, therefore, and make no enemies
while you can help it. Steer through life
as smoothly as possible. Keep a good
tongue in your mouth, and let those who
chuse to dispute with Belzebub, dispute. I

never knew any good come of broils and
quarrels, especially with low characters.
And, to say the truth of it, this Satan,
as they call him, is very little of the gentleman.
Even where he is well disposed,
he will do but little good to one; but a
most dangerous creature where he takes a
dislike. When you go to hell, as, one
day, you must, you can expect but little
quarter, after abusing him in this world.
He will make you squeel like a pig; take
you by the throat, and kick you like a
cat. His very scullions will piss upon you,
and give you no better life than a dog among
their feet; while these very clergymen,
that put you forward to blackguard
for them, will stand by laughing in their
sleeves that you could be such a fool.

The representation had the desired effect
upon Teague, and he thought no
more of the matter.

5. CHAP. V.
The Conclusion, with Observations.

THE overtures made by Teague, to be
admitted to the ministry, and the simplicity
of the ecclesiastics in listening to his
pretensions, made a great noise through
the neighbourhood; in as much as the
young man laboured under a want of education,
and was not qualified by theological
reading. But I do not see, why it should
be thought blamable; provided the matter
was not too much hurried and hastily
brought forward. For give him a little
time, and he might have been instructed to
preach as well as some that I myself have
heard. Especially if at first setting out,
he had confined himself to historical passages
of scripture; such as the history of
Sampson, and Gideon, and Barak, and the
like: Only he must have taken care that
in pronouncing Barak, with the brogue
upon his tongue, he did not make it Burke;
for that is a patronimic name of his country,

and he might inadvertently have fallen
into this pronunciation.

I acknowledge, that in the regular
churches, such as that of the Presbyterians,
there is still kept up some opinion of
the necessity of literature. But do we not
see that with other denominations; such
as the Quakers, the Methodists, and Anabaptists,
it is totally disregarded and thrown
out? Because when human gifts or acquirements
are absent, that which is supernatural
more evidently appears.

Do not Quakers, and Methodists, and
Baptists, preach very well? At any rate,
they do a great deal of good, and that is the
first object of preaching. Whether such
sermonists, avail themselves most of sense or
sound, I will not say; but so it is they do
good; and that without the aid of any human
learning whatever.

It is very true, that formerly in the infancy
of the church, a knowledge of languages
and sciences, might be requisite.
But the case is quite altered now. The
Scripture has been well explained, and
frequently preached over; every text and
context examined, and passages illustrated.
The Hebrew roots, so to speak, have been
all dug up; and there is scarcely a new

etymology to be made. Are there any new
doctrines to discover? I should think it impossible.
At any rate, I should conceive
it unnecessary. There are enough in all
conscience: The inventing more, would
be like bringing timber to a wood, or
coals to Newcastle.

This being the case, I feel myself disposed
to agree with those who reject human
learning in religious matters altogether.
More especially as science is really
not the fashion at the present time. For
as has been before seen, even in the very
province of science itself, it is dispensed
with; that of natural philosophy, for instance.
In state affairs, ignorance does
very well, and why not in church? I am
for having all things of a piece; ignorant
statesmen, ignorant philosophers, and ignorant
ecclesiastics. On this principle,
Teague might have done very well as a
preacher. But the selfishness of the Captain
prevailed, and obstructed his advancement.