University of Virginia Library

4. CHAP. IV.

THE Presbytery sat a day or two at
this place, on church affairs, and the
Captain delaying with them, lodged at the
same house. Teague, in the mean time,
having an opportunity of ingratiating himself
with the clergymen, by rubing down
their horses, and other menial services.
For it is the national character of the aboriginal
Irish, to give fair words; and
Teague was not deficient in this address.
What with master Prasting, and giving a
great deal of what is called Blarney, he
insinuated himself into their good graces;
and by affecting, now and then, to be seen
at prayers by himself, and to have a sorrowful
countenance, he induced them to
believe that he was in the first stage of conviction,
and likely to become a pious man.
Having made this progress in their good
opinion, he ventured to suggest what was
the ultimate object of his ambition; viz.
the being a candidate for holy orders. The
Presbytery, to whom the matter was represented

by the individuals more particularly
acquainted with him, thought favourably
of the proposition. For though his
common attainments might not be great,
yet if the grace of God had wrought upon
him, he might become a valuable man.

The Captain having got a hint of this,
took the first opportunity of addressing the
Presbytery. Gentlemen, said he, you are
deceived in this ragamuffin. For, notwithstanding
all the pretensions he may lately
have to religion, you may be well assured
that it is all hypocrisy, and that he has no
more religion than my horse.

The Presbytery suspecting the Captain
to be a carnal man, and regardless of the
ministry, gave little heed to what he said,
and seemed disposed to take Teague upon
trials.

The Captain finding the case to stand
thus, and that in spite of all he could do,
he was likely to lose his servant, took his
usual method of addressing the hopes and
fears of Teague himself.

Taking him aside, he began, with all
possible art, to impress such fears and apprehensions,
as the nature of the case suggested.
Teague, said he, do you know
what you are about? You have got into

your vagaries once more. You want to
preach, do you? Are you apprised of the
difficulty of this work? The first thing you
will have to do, is to take a text; and
when that is done, you have to split it into
parts. There are what are called heads;
and these you must divide into firstlys,
and secondlys, and thirdlys, and fourthlys,
and so on, till you come to twentiethlys,
perhaps. Are you furnished with a concordance?
or do you know what a concordance
is? Can you find a text to suit
your purpose when you want it? Can you
explain the scriptures; the meaning of
Daniel's ram and the he-goat, or the seven
trumpets in the Revelations? You are
mistaken if you think your Irish will pass
for Hebrew.

You think it a great honour to preach
now-a days. It was an honour once; but
the thing is now become so common, that
it is of little consequence to preach or not.

But do you know how it will behove
you to conduct yourself, if you take this office
upon you. You will have to compose
the muscles of your face to greater seriousness
than your disposition can afford. You
must quit whoring. How will you like
that, Teague. It would look very ill after

sermon to be catched in bed with a girl at
a tavern.

But do you know why these men are so
anxious to have you of their mess? The
truth of the matter is, they carry on a war
with the devil, and they wish to recruit you
for the service. Do they give you any
bounty-money. Take my word, there
will be but little of this going. Take my
advice then, and let them settle their own
quarrels. It is a silly thing to be drawn into
a party, when there is but little to be
got by it: Nay, worse than little: For it
will be all on the other side. Think you
the devil will forget the mischief you do
him in this world, and not resent it when
he comes across you in a future state?
When you are preaching and praying, do
you think he will not hear all that you
throw out against him. You may rely
upon it, there will be enough to give him
information; and as a story never loses in
the telling, it is ten to one they will make
the matter worse than it was. Take my
advice, therefore, and make no enemies
while you can help it. Steer through life
as smoothly as possible. Keep a good
tongue in your mouth, and let those who
chuse to dispute with Belzebub, dispute. I

never knew any good come of broils and
quarrels, especially with low characters.
And, to say the truth of it, this Satan,
as they call him, is very little of the gentleman.
Even where he is well disposed,
he will do but little good to one; but a
most dangerous creature where he takes a
dislike. When you go to hell, as, one
day, you must, you can expect but little
quarter, after abusing him in this world.
He will make you squeel like a pig; take
you by the throat, and kick you like a
cat. His very scullions will piss upon you,
and give you no better life than a dog among
their feet; while these very clergymen,
that put you forward to blackguard
for them, will stand by laughing in their
sleeves that you could be such a fool.

The representation had the desired effect
upon Teague, and he thought no
more of the matter.