University of Virginia Library

11. XI.

WASHINGTON agin! What changes hev
been made in the last two years! Not in
Washington, for this deliteful abode uv official purity
hezn't changed a particle, nor never will. From
the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I
did a year ago, the same signs uv “steamed oysters;”
the Capitle, in front, towrin over the trees at
the tother end uv the avenue, and behind, the Patent
Offis and Post Offis buildings; the first the Mecca
uv every Dimokrat and the tother uv every Yankee
who comes here. No! Washington ain't changed,
but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington,
it wuz tite times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel
then ez now. Chadwick, him uv the towerin hite,
rotund abdomen, side whiskers, and round hat, wuz

then, ez now, my landlord. In them days, before
the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put some
thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than
money, and more appetite than small change, into
offis, and, per consekence, into condition to pay
their bills, I wuz a guest at this hotel; which is to
say, I slept on the steps uv the Capitol, and took,
or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's bountiful
board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste; and ez
I wuz foragin for subsistence, I allus made it a pint
to forage on the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to
cheek a first class dinner ez it is a second class; and
besides, I felt that sich a hotel ez Willard's wuz
better able to stand sich boarders ez I wuz than them
of less patronage. I kept away from the tother
hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never
shel I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dininroom
guardian angel for a week, and wuz congratulatin
myself on another week at least, when Chadwick
stopped me hisself, and the follerin conversashen
ensood: —

“My friend,” sed he, in winnin tones.

“Davis, Garret, is my name!” sez I, promptly.

“We hear enuff,” sez he. “Listen! I've let you
run a week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a
hungry look, but by this time yoo ought to be filled

up and able to go at least a week without eatin.
Ez yoo ain't uv no earthly yoose to any body, and
make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git!”
and three well-directed kicks landid me onto the
sidewalk.

But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He
hes confidence in me now, ez I hev paid my board
in advance. It's a rool he hez, he jocosely remarked,
with men of my peculiar cast uv countenance, to hev
em pay in advance. He says it's much the best way.
After payin, sich men ez me feel more comfortable
about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's me
that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills.
Bless the Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and
other luxuries!

But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former posishen
with my present proud one, I hev not time to
dwell upon reminiscences. Life is short; I am a
practical man, and tho it may be pleasant to linger
for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot.
My biznis in Washington is precisely what every
Democrat's biznis here is, to get confirmed. It
ain't no trouble for a Kentucky Dimocrat to git
appintid, for the President hez so far relaxed his
rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez wuzn't
never in the Confederit army; but to get confirmed

is the pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen
Senit to run; and good Lord, wat a knowledge they
hev uv the out-goins and in-comins of the appintees!

The President and Postmaster-General Randall
wuz extremely anxious for my confirmashen, so
much so, that they advised me to resort to the strategy
now so common in the North.

“Go back on me for the time bein,” sed that
trooly great and good man who adorns the sofas in
the Presidenshul Manshen. “Wilcox em. That's
yoor only holt: Wilcox em. I advised him to do it,
and see how it worked.”

“My dear sir,” sed I, carried away by this new
and onexpected development uv greatness, “kin
yoo bear to hev me who bears yoor banner in Kentucky
bend the knee to a ablishen Senit, and repoodiate
yoo, even for a hour? It is safe in my case,
for my nateral affinities are with yoo, but don't, I
beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer
sir, two thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen,
and, ef successful, will forgit to return.”

But the great and good Johnson wood take no
denials. “Draw up,” sed he, “a letter to a conservative
member uv Congress, explainin your connection
with me, and —”

And overkum with emoshen, he burst into tears.

Sadly I undertook the task, and after four hours
uv intense labor, the following wuz completed: —

I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased
to approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited
with it, and to Welles, who, after forcing me to
read it twice over, wantid to know if it had anything

to do with the Navy Department, and then returned
to the President with my mind fully made up that
I never would send that document.

“Wat?” sed he, startin back astonished, “not
send it?”

“Never!” sed I. “Never! Sich things may do
for Postmasters and Assessors wich you took from
the Republican ranks, but not for me. I hev done
many things wich perhaps woodn't hold out sixty
pounds to the bushel — I voted for Peerce and likewise
for Bookannon, and supported em in all their
various dooins, besides other things too tejus to menshun;
but my sensitive soul recoils at this, — my
proud stumick revolts. I leave it for yoor Custers
and Wilcoxes and sich, — no Kentucky Dimokrat
kin. Let them refooze to confirm me at their peril.
I am the only Dimocrat in ten miles who kin write,
and they dare not, by turning me out, deprive Kentucky,
wich never seceded, uv mail facilities.”

“Brave man!” exclaimed Johnson, in a husky
voice, and his eyes suffused with tears, fallin onto
my neck and weepin profoosely down my back,
“let em reject yoo. Ef they do, I pledge yoo my
word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo desire
it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cobb,
or Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post offices.”

I hev allus noticed that virchoo is its own reward.
By bein troo, wot a feeld is now open to me.
Let the Senit do its worst.