University of Virginia Library

10. X.

THE Institoot is, I may say, a success. Contribushens
flow in slowly but shoorly, — fast
enuff indeed to give each uv the Board a noo soot
uv close; and we, speshelly, who hev the fust handlin
uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that
corner-stun troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people
saw that a bottle uv likker and a greenback wuz
deposited under it, and regerly every nite it's bin
overturned by persons in serch uv them relics. At
great expense we built onto it a section uv wall;
but makin no account uv our expenditoor, they overturned
it. We then histed a sign-board bearing this

legend: “The whisky is gone, and the greenback
also,” signed by the Board; but one half uv the
citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't
hev the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the
Board to prevent em from goin for the artikles, tho
the very knowlege uv us wich brot about this state
uv disbelief, shood, wun wood suppose, hev taught em
that the greenback and likker coodent possibly be
there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a
last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and
drawd an iron chain over it. That got em. Force
is about the only thing uv any account in this
country.

The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich,
ontil we git the Institoot built, will be the headquarters
uv the Trustees, to consider the propriety uv
publishin a series uv skool books, adaptid especially
to the Southern intelleck, and calculated partikelarly
to keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths
uv the late Confederacy, wich is unfortunately deceest,
a lively opinion uv themselves and a corresponding
hatred uv Noo England and the North
generally. We hev had serious doubts whether proper
ideas cood be instilled into a yooth from a book
written by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati,
onto paper made in Noo York.

I submitted to the Board a example for a noo
Arithmetic, to wit: —

“A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army
at a cost uv $1,000, passing off onto him two counterfeit
ten dollar notes. To make up the expenditoor,
he to-wunst swindles a innocent Kentuckian out uv
$100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv $200 in
a western land trade, and the balance he makes up
by sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv
basswood at a profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate
moral question is, how many nutmegs must this
ingenius but unprincipled cuss manufaktur, and
how long does it take him, with the improoved machinery,
they hev to do it?

“The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first
Bull Run, captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed
upon his person $12 in greenbax, and tothers $8
each. How many uv Johnson's Postmasters cood
be bought with the proceeds uv the capcher?”

Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples; but
he kept insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire
the Southern heart. The Southern heart wuz a perpetooal
funeral pile wich needid continyooal firin.
Onless fired it wuz a gloomy mass uv very onsightly
black cinders. He proposed that the forthcoming
book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv
the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example:—

“The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain
number uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment
uv Confedrit soljers druv a division uv Fedral mercenaries
into the town. Allowin that each Fedral,
ez well ez Confedrit, hed two legs, how many more
steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chattanooga,
where they wuz comparatively safe from
Confedrit rage and valor, and sich, than it did the
Confedrits to drive em thar?”

Bascom remarkt that he hed one wich he felt it
his dooty to perpose: —

“A strikly conscienshus grosery keeper starts in
biznis worth four hundred dollars in clean cash.
He pays for his whiskey two dollars per gallon in
Looisville, and hez for a reglar customer a Postmaster,
wich drinks forty or sixty times per day, and
alluz tells him to `jist chalk it down.' Required
the length uv time nessary to bust him under them
afflictin circumstances?”

Bascom remarkt that long before the book appears
in print, he wood be able to furnish the anser
to that little problem. Considerin the example a
dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to retort; but
ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto Bascom's
countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin
must be done for Bascom, — I hev lived onter him

too long. The next contribushen I reseeve from
frends North shel be devoted to liquidating, in part,
the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by not givin
him at least cost for his likker; but wat follows?
There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me
credit? Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them
to wich we hevn't bin interdoost.

Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened
in, and heard the last two examples, and remarkt
that he cood furnish us any number uv examples
at site. We never stop Joseph in anythin he perposes
to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a navy
revolver slung to him, and he shoots. Joseph wuz,
therfore, permitted to perceed.

“Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites
four years for em, gittin licked like the devil, how
long after is it advisable for him to continyoo to
pant, pervidid he didn't know at the beginnin wat
his rites wuz?”

I vencherd to remark that a solution uv that problem
wuz impossible, thar bein no pint to work a
departure from, to wich Joseph remarkt that perhaps
it wuz faulty in that partikeler; but he hed
others: —

“Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern
soljers, why in bloody thunder, they hevin hed a

suffishency uv opportoonities uv doin it, didn't the
South gain her independence?

“Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned
cent's worth uv property a man hed wuz profitable
biznis, how many struggles for independence wood
a man uv modrit means be justified in goin thru
with?

“Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky
kin be got from a bushel uv corn, how many Democratic
voters, takin young men ez they run, kin be
manufaktured from the produck uv an aker uv good
land in a modrit year for corn?

“A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years
ago, hed a female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow,
and worth only $800. Her progeny wuz only half
ez black ez a crow, and her female grandchildren
wuz suffishently bleached to sell in Noo Orleans for
$2,500 per female offspring. Required, 1st. The
length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt
by this means. 2d. The number uv years nessary
to bleach the cuss of color out uv the niggers uv
the United States.

“Ef four old gray-headed jackasses, wich ought
to know better, see fit to keep one sucker filled with
whisky, how many suckers cood four iron-gray mules
keep filled, they bein only half jackass?

“A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin number
uv deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward,
all uv wich gave increased majorities agin him.
Required the number uv miles uv travel, and the
number uv repetitions uv the speech, to enable him
to carry out his policy?

“Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suffishent to perdoose
the speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv
March, 1865, how many must have bin slung into
A. J. to perdoose the 22d uv Febrooary effort, and
how many must he hev taken between Washinton
and St. Louis?”

“These examples,” sed Joseph, “I consider nessary
for this book; and ef it is published without
em I shel take it ez a persnel affront, for which I
shel hold the Board persnelly responsible. The
Southern yooth must be properly instructed — my
orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em,
and these examples is necessary to that end. Let
this Board remember that, when this book is publisht,
ef these examples is not in them, they hev me
to settle with.”

And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary.
We dare not publish the book without his examples,
for he alluz keeps his word, and is a ugly cuss to
deal with; and uv course puttin em in coodent be

thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph must
be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and therefore
votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at
his bar for a week, chargin the same upon the account
uv the Institoot. I know that a free run at
his barrels would finish me or any one uv the Board
in that time. Happy Bigler! He hez at least one
satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish
the Board wood try it on me. It would be a short
but glorious career.